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Who ate all the pies

Dip in to scour the latest Deadline Day titbits...

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Just look at Avia keeper Eduardo Martini frantically weighing up his options. He eventually settles on belting it as hard as he can, and I bet he is glad he did now. One of those bizarre kicks of the turf and a loop over the Parana keeper later, and Eduardo is a goalscoring hero.

Ferg for London 2012?

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The Prem’s biggest bottom-lip bearers

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1. Nicolas Anelka
The man who is nicknamed Le Sulk is our inevitable number one. The original master of the enforced transfer saga that we have heard so much about this summer with Robbie Keane, Gareth Barry, Dimitar Berbatov etc. This guy has made a career out of it, playing for nine clubs and rarely moving on without a fall-out of some description.

Commentator discovers hard way that mass loss of life is not particularly funny

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Aside from the fact that his head and/or hair is a very odd shape, the most striking thing about Wigan Athletic’s Paul Scharner prior to watching his side lose against Chelsea was his Elton John hand-me-down specs.

Top Six: Arsene Wenger excuses

August 25th, 2008

With the startling news in the wake of defeat Fulham that Arsene Wenger doesn’t like excuses, we look at six of his best rational explanations

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1.”I did not see it.”

David Beckham took time out from being criticised by journalists on both sides of the Atlantic to overhit a pass to a Chinese Olympic organiser. Becks took part in the handover section of the closing ceremony as part of the London 2012 team. He appeared with Leona Lewis and Led Zeppelin guitarist Jimmy Page.

Schteeve van der McClaren gets some more stick for his phoney Dutch accent and his similarity to the Joker from Batman.

Peroxide Phil

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Summaries from the weekend action

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1. The changed man of the week award goes to Arsene Wenger, who after defeat to Fulham proclaimed: “I don’t like excuses.”
More conclusions after the jump…

Come to Wearside, my pretties

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These days Roy Keane and Sunderland seem to be taking a Panini sticker approach to the transfer market (“got, got, got, need, got”). Either that or they have drafted in Barry Fry to work behind the scenes because the Black Cats seem to be assembling a HUGE squad. If you believe the papers, there is barely a footballer in the Northern Hemisphere who Collector Keane hasn’t got an eye on. And if they are Irish that’s even better.

Love letters from Beijing

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How do you keep your club manager happy when you have missed the start of the Premier League season to play for your country’s under-23 squad on the other side of the world? Easy, you send messages of your undying love for him through the media. Javier Mascherano has been letting Rafa Benitez know that, even though he is in China, his heart is in Liverpool.

An ode to a miserable Bulgar

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Czech stalemate

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1. Fabio Capello needs to stop the rot quickly before he turns into Steve McClaren. Expectations are high, but he has made a few key promises about what he expects from the team which he has not yet delivered on.

Why John Terry is OK by F-Cap

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1. Misses penalties
An essential attribute for a true England leader. How can you fully command respect if you are coolly slotting your spot-kick home when all those around you are missing theirs?

Old-new England captain John Terry looks like he has got a chance of competing in the Olympics even if a Great Britain side do not enter the football tournament. The Chelsea man’s post-Moscow penalty shootout trauma does make him look uncannily like a synchronised diver. For all his flaws on the field, we never thought JT could be accused of being a diver.

Internacional keeper Cleber seems to be angling for a move to Blackburn Rovers as Paul Robinson’s understudy. You see, if Cleber was capable of dealing with a fairly strong knee-high backpass by cleanly volleying the ball upfield, he would probably be a candidate for the Internacional strikeforce. But he can’t and he isn’t. Not a very Cleber boy.

Top Six: First week flops

August 19th, 2008

Who messed up in their opening match?

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1. Manchester United
We are sure Fraizer Campbell will become a very good player in his own right, but he is not ready to lead the line for the champions of Europe. Man Yoo did not look comfortable against Newcastle, and you don’t want to be relying on Darren Fletcher to score your goals all season.

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David James further secured his place in Horror Hair history by starting the new season with terrible chunky cornrows.

The Championship match between Burnley and Ipswich kicked off late yesterday when a parachutist involved in a pre-match jump missed his target and landed on the roof of the Turf Moor stadium. There was more mayhem when the fire engine that came to rescue the stranded parachutist couldn’t get into the ground because of parked cars. Ipswich eventually won 0-3, if you’re interested.

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1. Cristiano Ronaldo in the crowd at Old Trafford in a Real Madrid replica shirt.

The best caption wins a five-disc DVD box set… Poor C-Ron: sat in the stands during Sunday’s Community Shield, all alone and probably wishing he was in Madrid. Oh well, how much sympathy can you have for a man who earns more than £100,000 in a single week? Exactly. Anyway, we want you to come […]

Either that or he has taken off to Holland to become a professional Arsene Wenger impersonator. This is hilarious. At one point he says: “We are what you call underdogs.” No, Steve. You are the one who speaks English as a first language (allegedly); you are what you call underdogs.

Who’s got your back? Pies picks six defenders who will strengthen your fantasy XI 1. Rio Ferdinand (Man Utd) Pros The best central defender in Europe right now, and plays for the team that conceded fewer goals than any other in the Prem last season. In this era of squad rotation, Fergie doesn’t ever think […]