In which, during Borussia Monchengladbach’s DFB Pokal quarter-final tie with Hertha Berlin on Wednesday night, Monchengladbach striker Igor De Camargo goes down like a big cheating sack of spuds to get Hertha centre-half Roman Hubnik sent off…

Is he alright? Somebody better call Alessandro Del Piero, stat!

The crowning glacé cherry on the dog turd of fate? After over 100 minutes of goalless toil, De Camargo’s feigned aneurysm won/conned his side a breakthrough penalty in extra-time – with Monchengladbach going on to win 2-0 and book themselves a place in the last four.

What. A. Bastard.

                          

By Chris Wright

Bayern Munich managed the remarkable feat of pissing off nigh-on their entire fanbase yesterday when a ridiculously misguided attempt at social marketing blew up in their Bavarian faces.

Yesterday morning, Bayern started circulating rumours on various social media sites of a ‘big new signing’  that was to be announced at 1pm that very afternoon on the club’s official Facebook site.

Of course, Twitter was then rife with Bayern fans speculating as to which marquee star their club had snagged in the January window – with the likes of Carlos Tevez, Dimitar Berbatov and Xherdan Shaqiri all mentioned prevalently.

They even went ‘method’ with a fake press conference…

After waiting until 1pm, then agreeing to ‘like’ the Bayern Facebook site and accept an invitation, the supporters were left waiting a further hour before a video began rolling of general manager Christian Nerlinger, in which he announced the ‘big signing’ – a Facebook app that lets fans see their own Facebook profile picture and name appear on a Bayern shirt, along with the number eight.

What followed was hundreds and hundreds of messages from jilted Bayern Munich fans, furious with the Bundesliga club for wasting their entire afternoon – and rightly so, the bloody goons…

Image: Metro

                          

By Chris Wright

With the Bundesliga currently ensconced on their mid-season break, Schalke 04 took the opportunity to send their players 1,000 metres below the surface of the Earth on a tour of the Auguste Victoria coal mine in Marl, Germany – what with the club originally being founded by miners back in 1904 and all.

The highlights? Well, Klaas-Jan Huntelaar got to wear a nice white helmet with a super cool torch on the front…

…and Kyriakos Papadopoulos resurfaced looking like he thoroughly enjoyed his day out down t’ pit was ready to force feed coal to the guy next to him until he burst at the – a little mining pun here for you all to enjoy – seams…

Not a happy bunny.

                          

By Chris Wright

This is quite sweet. While making his way into the club’s training ground, Raul is handed a CD by a group of Schalke fans. The CD contains a version of the ‘theme tune’  - a chant titled ‘Señor Raul’ - they had recorded themselves.

Raul then proceeds to play the CD on the short drive through to the pitches, singing along and waving his fingers merrily, before cranking up the volume just before the final turn and cruising into the car park with his own theme song blaring from his car.

Admit it. You’re jealous…

Spotted over on Futbolita.

                          

Like the sulky goth teenager refusing to enter the festive spirit at a family Christmas party, the wonderful St. Pauli will always be on the fringes of football’s more conservative mainstream. And once again, in their 2011 Christmas video, the club has done something different, this time by deciding to kill Santa.  Good on them!

                          

By Chris Wright

Let me list the reasons I hate Arjen Robben with the burning fury of one thousand imploding suns…

1) He doesn’t run, he gingerly minces. So much so, in fact, that I imagine his footsteps sound like that of a dog on a lino floor.
2) He, and you may have noticed this yourselves, feigns career-ending injuries quite regularly only to get up when it suits and keep on gingerly mincing.
3) He will actually coax himself to the point of tears in the pursuit of conning free-kicks.
4) That awful whining, pleading, presumptuous face he makes at referees after ‘having his legs swiped’ by a lesser being.
5) He seems to be ageing at twice the normal human rate.
6) He’s a terrible c**t and a poster child for the selfish on-field arrogance and nefarious con-artist mindset that pervades modern football.
7) This kind of thing…

Lord how I loathe that man.

                          

In which Eintracht Frankfurt midfielder Pirmin Schwegler is struck on the cranium by a wayward till roll, catapulted from the stands by the St. Pauli fans in the 2. Bundesliga last night, only to hit the deck like he’d just been picked off by Vassili Zaitsev as he made his way through the rafters at the Millerntor…

Granted, till rolls are dense, compact little lumps and it doubtlessly would’ve smarted – but a clean knock-out? Even the man himself admitted it didn’t hurt after the game, and that he went down because he was ‘surprised’. Give me strength.

By the way, If this is all sounding a bit familiar and deja vu-y to you, might I suggest you have a butcher’s at this.

Video: 101GG

                          

By Chris Wright

Daniel van Buyten’s ‘Major Ball Blow-Out’ wasn’t actually quite as painful as it sounds, but the Belgian centre-half gave the ball such a thunderous leathering from a set piece that he tore the fabric of the universe Adidas Torfabrik and the match ball’s insides swiftly became it’s ‘outsides’ during Bayern’s 3-0 win over FC Köln last night…

Good of Arjen Robben to dispose of it so efficiently. That’ll serve Adidas right for making it’s sodding football’s out of clingfilm and dried tippex.

                          

By Chris Wright

Love it, love it, love it. Want it, want it, want it…

Not a Hannover fan? Never fear, they’re also available Dortmund, Hertha Berlin and St Pauli flavour…

Spotted over on the truly brilliant 500 Reasons To Love Football. We thoroughly recommend you pop in and give them a visit from time to time.

More Christmas gift ideas on Pies…

No. 1: Small Figurine Of Sergio Ramos/Cesc Fabregas Taking A Dump

                          

“Shit! Did you see that?…”, etc, etc…

(Thanks to Pies fan Gerhard for the nudge!)