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Who ate all the pies

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Chelsea

Chelsea: All the latest Chelsea flavoured news, views, rumours and other assorted bits and bobs

Thanks to Stacy S for sending in this top quality Shit Lookalike. One’s a bald-headed goon who is part of a dysfunctional family… and the other – you’ve guessed it – is Uncle Fester (groan).

Here’s the first of our daily round-ups of some of the best posts on our excellent array of club sites dedicated to the big five (don’t laugh, but the big five does include Spurs), as well as Kickster, our new blog devoted to women’s football: Gunners rolling in cash (not unlike Demi Moore in Indecent […]

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Against Blackburn at the weekend, Chelsea forward Salomon Kalou had a perfectly fair goal disallowed by a linesman (Peter Kirkup) who didn’t seem to realise you can’t be offside if you are behind the ball.

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There was a lot to frighten a football fan at Stamford Bridge this weekend. Flying boots leaving players hospitalised? Check! Ranting Portugueser? Check! Shocking linesman? Check! Shevchenko playing like a Rushden & Diamonds part timer? Check check check!
All frightening, but what the hell spooked Robbie Savage here? Let us know what you think, and we’ll post some kind of answer just as soon as Mr Savage’s agent picks up his phone…


It was with much sadness that the yellow breaking news Sky Sports scrolly thing delivered us the news that Ian Porterfield had died last night. The double-hard Scotsman was probably best known for his time as a player at Sunderland, but he was also an international and Premier League manager.
Here, then as a mini tribute to the chap, are his top 10 sporting achievements as we see it. If you have any memories of Porterfield’s reign at your particular club / country please let us know…

73755757.jpgHe’s gone from being one of the so-called ‘Untouchables’ to virtually an unmentionable at Stamford Bridge this season – is there any way back for Michael Ballack?

This is a little scary! This appears to be Chelsea legend Gianfranco Zola starring in the video to Bonnie Tyler’s Total Eclipse of the Heart (click here if you want to put yourself through the entire video). What’s the Italian for Turn around, Bright Eyes?!

Horror Hair: Jose Mourinho

September 3rd, 2007

76476527.jpgWhen he arrived, Jose Mourinho was seen as the king of Continental cool – the sharp suits, trademark Armani overcoat, and perfectly coiffured hair all made him look more like a matinee idols than a Premier League manager.

So there are six (count ‘em!) clubs in the group stages of this season’s Champions League: the big four in England, plus Celtic and Rangers. The English clubs can’t meet each other, because they are all amongst the top eight seeds, but there’s a very strong chance that we’ll see another so-called ‘Battle of Britain’, […]

Arsenal 1-0 Manchester City
Cesc Fabregas finally found a breakthrough, despite an excellent performance from Manchester City goalkeeper Kasper Schmeichel. The young Dane made a string of saves, including Robin van Persie’s 65th minute penalty.
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73757653.jpgHe’s gone from the country’s most expensive signing to a misfiring misfit who’s struggling to command a transfer fee, but Andriy Shevchenko still has his admirers.

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Thanks to Pies reader Leean Pindar, who spotted this glaring error in last weekend’s Sunday Times Style supplement.

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Chase me, chase me, chase me! … oh, they’ve buggered off. Sevilla, the little teases, have apparently failed in their bid to get Roman Abramovich to part with almost £25m for a right-back/Star Trek character. They should really have accepted Chelsea’s reported bid of £21.5m, which is still way over the odds for Alves, who is very good, but not that good.

76175753.jpg‘I think I have a naive team. They are naive because they are pure and they are clean.’ Jose Mourinho, exceeding himself in the ‘they said what!?’ stakes.
‘If Chelsea are naive and pure then I’m Little Red Riding Hood.’ Rafa Benitez disagrees with Jose Mourinho’s assessment of his own side.

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Does Roman call Jose ‘Hunny Bunny’, I wonder? Probably not, but the thought makes me chuckle. Thanks to Egyptian Gooner for the spot.

John Terry is Tommy Cooper

August 20th, 2007

John Terry discusses England’s defensive options ahead of the Germany game. Just like that!

[Via FanBanta]

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With a combined cost of around £250m, even Roman’s roubles would be stretched to afford this team consisting of the most expensive players (in their position) in the Premier League.

Portsmouth 1-1 Manchester United
Cristiano Ronaldo grimaces after being shown a red card for violent conduct.
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Lampard%20Chair.jpgAs previously reported on Pies, midfield barndoor misser and KD Lang lookalike, Frank Lampard, has his own TV channel dedicated to him. Orange announced the launch of Frank TV, a mobile channel dedicated to England and Chelsea star, and will be available exclusively to the 1.3 million Orange 3G customers on its mobile phone TV service. Orange mobile TV channels also include BBC, Channel 4, Sky and FHM…

The big kick-off is nigh and we don’t have a thing to wear. Well, we do now. This is part one of a bumper Kit Parade Special from Pies.
Arsenal
Arsenalhomekit.JPGThis looks a little familiar… wait a cotton picking minute! Yes, Arsenal have retained last season’s home kit for a further season. It makes my job a bit harder because you have all seen it before, but I’d be delighted if I was a Gooner. Comiserations to the parents of young Arsenal fans who will have to think a bit harder about birthday presents this year! Click here to buy it from Kitbag.

cmlotto.jpgHe may well be a born leader of men but that doesn’t mean Fergie wears the trousers at home. Apparently, the United manager has been grounded tonight and will miss United’s final pre-season friendlies while he helps his missus move house.

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Chelsea’s squad for last weekend’s Community Shield match was so bare that they played without a recognised striker for most of the match. And it looks like they’ll have to make up the numbers when their Premier League kicks off on Sunday.

1 Chelsea’s reserves have pretty much got their league sewn-up already.
2 Thomas Kuszczak and Ben Foster (when he is fit again) will have their work cut out ousting Edwin van der Sar.
3 Wayne Rooney is back! Was he ever away? Anyway, Fergie has predicted a big season from the England star and he made a promising start as he ran at defenders in a way he didn’t seem confident enough to do at times last season.

Edwin van der Sar was the star of the show as Manchester United lifted the first silverware of the season. The Dutch keeper saved three consecutive Chelsea penalties to win the Community Shield for his side in a shootout. The game had finished 1-1, with Ryan Giggs giving United the lead and Chelsea new boy Florent Malouda equalising with a neat finish. Van der Sar then saved from Claudio Pizarro, Frank Lampard and Shaun Wright Phillips in the shootout.