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Chelsea

Chelsea: All the latest Chelsea flavoured news, views, rumours and other assorted bits and bobs

76892365.jpg“Chelsea Football Club and José Mourinho have agreed to part company today (Thursday) by mutual consent” There it is. Chelsea official statement on the departure of their talismanic manager José Mourinho. Get the feeling it took them by surprise as much as it did to us…

1 The Shaddap Your Face song Just a great impression from Gift Grub. Always makes me smile.

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Granted he may have been at that age when his looks would start to go a bit when he took over as Chelsea manager, but Jose Mourino’s one-man crusades against referees, opposition managers and, well, pretty much anyone daft enough to get in his way have certainly accelerated the ageing process.

‘What a shocking end of an era. Who would have thought that the words “mutual consent” would ever cause heartbreak? And the timing couldn’t have been worse… Abramovich wanted fantasy football, but Jose was never going to fit into that mould. Trophies weren’t enough for the big boss.’ Chelsea Pies ‘You win the league twice […]

Why are Chelsea’s fans so crap?

September 19th, 2007

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Last night saw Chelsea’s first Champions League game of the season at Stamford Bridge (capacity: 42,055). Worryingly for Roman Abramovich, Jose Mourinho and all concerned, just 24, 973 fans attended the 1-1 draw with Rosenborg, a frankly pathetic turn-out for a club that claims to be one of the biggest in Europe.

Is that the sound of wheels coming off at Stamford Bridge? Not exactly, but I really expected Chelsea to win this game with relative ease. Ironically, but somehow predictably, it was misfit Andriy Shevchenko who saved face, with an equaliser early in the second half. If we learned one thing from last night’s game, it’s that Chelsea are half the team without Dider Drogba and Frank Lampard.

Chelsea vs Rosenborg, Tues 18 Sept (ko 7.45pm BST) With no Didier Drogba and Frank Lampard in the team, you have to wonder where the goals will come from for Chelski. Andriy Shevchenko has scored 46 times in the Champions League, but only three of those goals have been in a blue Chelsea shirt. Jose […]

When we told you that Didier Drogba was to sing a song on the big stage, it got you Pies readers thinking. Pies regular, Chringle thought that he might ‘Live and Let Dive’, ‘Fall At Your Feet’, ‘Going Down In A Blaze Of Glory’ or ‘Get Up, Stand Up’ (much funnier than anything we could […]

Thanks to Stacy S for sending in this top quality Shit Lookalike. One’s a bald-headed goon who is part of a dysfunctional family… and the other – you’ve guessed it – is Uncle Fester (groan).

Here’s the first of our daily round-ups of some of the best posts on our excellent array of club sites dedicated to the big five (don’t laugh, but the big five does include Spurs), as well as Kickster, our new blog devoted to women’s football: Gunners rolling in cash (not unlike Demi Moore in Indecent […]

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Against Blackburn at the weekend, Chelsea forward Salomon Kalou had a perfectly fair goal disallowed by a linesman (Peter Kirkup) who didn’t seem to realise you can’t be offside if you are behind the ball.

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There was a lot to frighten a football fan at Stamford Bridge this weekend. Flying boots leaving players hospitalised? Check! Ranting Portugueser? Check! Shocking linesman? Check! Shevchenko playing like a Rushden & Diamonds part timer? Check check check!
All frightening, but what the hell spooked Robbie Savage here? Let us know what you think, and we’ll post some kind of answer just as soon as Mr Savage’s agent picks up his phone…


It was with much sadness that the yellow breaking news Sky Sports scrolly thing delivered us the news that Ian Porterfield had died last night. The double-hard Scotsman was probably best known for his time as a player at Sunderland, but he was also an international and Premier League manager.
Here, then as a mini tribute to the chap, are his top 10 sporting achievements as we see it. If you have any memories of Porterfield’s reign at your particular club / country please let us know…

73755757.jpgHe’s gone from being one of the so-called ‘Untouchables’ to virtually an unmentionable at Stamford Bridge this season – is there any way back for Michael Ballack?

This is a little scary! This appears to be Chelsea legend Gianfranco Zola starring in the video to Bonnie Tyler’s Total Eclipse of the Heart (click here if you want to put yourself through the entire video). What’s the Italian for Turn around, Bright Eyes?!

Horror Hair: Jose Mourinho

September 3rd, 2007

76476527.jpgWhen he arrived, Jose Mourinho was seen as the king of Continental cool – the sharp suits, trademark Armani overcoat, and perfectly coiffured hair all made him look more like a matinee idols than a Premier League manager.

So there are six (count ‘em!) clubs in the group stages of this season’s Champions League: the big four in England, plus Celtic and Rangers. The English clubs can’t meet each other, because they are all amongst the top eight seeds, but there’s a very strong chance that we’ll see another so-called ‘Battle of Britain’, […]

Arsenal 1-0 Manchester City
Cesc Fabregas finally found a breakthrough, despite an excellent performance from Manchester City goalkeeper Kasper Schmeichel. The young Dane made a string of saves, including Robin van Persie’s 65th minute penalty.
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73757653.jpgHe’s gone from the country’s most expensive signing to a misfiring misfit who’s struggling to command a transfer fee, but Andriy Shevchenko still has his admirers.

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Thanks to Pies reader Leean Pindar, who spotted this glaring error in last weekend’s Sunday Times Style supplement.

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Chase me, chase me, chase me! … oh, they’ve buggered off. Sevilla, the little teases, have apparently failed in their bid to get Roman Abramovich to part with almost £25m for a right-back/Star Trek character. They should really have accepted Chelsea’s reported bid of £21.5m, which is still way over the odds for Alves, who is very good, but not that good.

76175753.jpg‘I think I have a naive team. They are naive because they are pure and they are clean.’ Jose Mourinho, exceeding himself in the ‘they said what!?’ stakes.
‘If Chelsea are naive and pure then I’m Little Red Riding Hood.’ Rafa Benitez disagrees with Jose Mourinho’s assessment of his own side.

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Does Roman call Jose ‘Hunny Bunny’, I wonder? Probably not, but the thought makes me chuckle. Thanks to Egyptian Gooner for the spot.

John Terry is Tommy Cooper

August 20th, 2007

John Terry discusses England’s defensive options ahead of the Germany game. Just like that!

[Via FanBanta]