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Who ate all the pies

Dip in to scour the latest Deadline Day titbits...

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Chelsea

Chelsea: All the latest Chelsea flavoured news, views, rumours and other assorted bits and bobs

On the left is Tom Hicks Jr, son of Liverpool co-owner Tom Hicks (funny that). On the right is Foster Gillett, son of Liverpool co-owner George. Both heirs attended last night’s Champions League semi final at Anfield; both men were seen wearing a Liverpool scarf – Hicks Jr even waved his about like a proper […]

Good to see that Thommo, an ex-Liverpool stalwart, is professional enough to retain his composure when things don’t go his way… If this childish petulance represents the level of punditry in this country, we’re in serious trouble. Desperate stuff. Chaps, you’re not down the pub.

LIVERPOOL Jose Reina Had little to do. Some decent distribution out of hand, and could do nothing about Riise’s own goal 6/10 Alvaro Arbeloa Not one of his best games. Sloppy in possession. 5 Jamie Carragher A typically committed performance from a player who thrives on nights like this. Not pretty, but very effective. 7 […]

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1 If John Arne Riise had a sensible haircut he probably wouldn’t have diverted Salomon Kalou’s cross into his net.

Pies’ gang of “experts” (cough) calls tonight’s CL semi: Ollie, Pies Ed. “The red team will score first, then the blue team will equalise. Either that, or it will happen the other way around. This is a nailed-on 1-1 draw. Again.” Prediction 1-1 Lee, Chelsea Pies Ed. “Nothing (literally nothing) will happen for 60 minutes, […]

God, who apparently is like “the referee on life’s big pitch”, has not revealed the correct score of this Chelsea vs Liverpool encounter. At least not to this preaching loon, who seems a little startled when a Chelsea fans confronts him. The fence-sitting Jesus freak, as I believe they are called, goes for a 2-2 […]

Ooh… erm… let me see. There must be something – they’ve played four Champions League semi-finals matches against each other in the past three years. Surely this series of matches must have generated at least one memorable moment. Well, erm… did Steven Gerrard have a shot at some point? I can’t remember – I think I was must have drifted off at that point. Oh! There was Luis Garcia’s goal, but then again that wasn’t really a goal… Hmm… what about Stephen Warnock’s chewing gum prank on John Arne Riise.

Chelsea’s Frank Lampard and Liverpool captain Steven Gerrard should both be fit for tomorrow night’s Champions League semi-final at Anfield. Which is nice. F365 Jose Mourinho has finally agreed to manage Inter Milan. Not only that, but he wants to snatch Frank Lampard and Didier Drogba from Chelsea. The traitor. The Sun Striker Samuel Eto’o […]

Sir Alex Ferguson is getting on, Arsene Wenger hasn’t won anything for three seasons, Rafa Benitez seems pissed off at the whole Hicks vs Gillett/Parry circus (can you blame him?) and Avram Grant can do no right, even when he does no wrong. So which of the big four’s gaffers do you think will leave […]

Liverpool must repay £31.5 million to banking institutions in little more than a year or risk having to sell Fernando Torres and Ryan Babel! Yeah, can’t see that happening. The Times Avram Grant gives the silent treatment to newspaper journalists after Chelsea’s win at Everton. Daily Mail Hicks vs Gillett, round 1,268: George Gillett issued […]

EVERTON 0-1 CHELSEA Chelsea goal Essien 41 The title race is still alive, thanks to a gritty performance by Chelsea. Winning at Everton is no easy feat, so Avram Grant’s team deserves a lot of credit for scratching out a result, especially without Didier Drogba, Michael Ballack or Frank Lampard in the line-up. Everton, for […]

How will Manchester United win the Premier League title? Just like that. Avram Grant was coming over a bit Tommy Cooper on the touchline last night as Chelsea picked up three points with a 0-1 win at Everton.

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If you believe the newspapers, Roman Abramovich has set aside a £100m transfer fund to bring in new players in the summer. That can buy at least five or six world-class talents (or one Cristiano Ronaldo). Which players should Avram Grant (or Frank Rijkaard, or whoever’s in charge of Chelsea then) have at the top […]

The crime ‘Heyyyyyyyy! It’s me, Frankie Boy!’ Here’s Lamps, strolling through the set of West Side Story Fulham, clad in black leather jacket – with collar up, naturally – and 1980s shades. He also seems to be rocking a hideous, XXL-sized watch with yellow (yellow!) strap. The punishment Being forced to watch every single episode […]

Today’s top football stories… Manchester City owner Thaksin Shinawatra (pictured) will conduct a review of the club as speculation mounts about manager Sven-Goran Eriksson’s future. Thaksin has revealed he is unhappy with City’s showing in the second half of the Premier League season. BBC Sport David Villa is ready to snub Chelsea and move to […]

Liverpool striker Fernando Torres believes that the Primera Liga is stronger than the Premier League. “In England the top four are better than the ones in Spain, above all when it comes to consistency,” Torres told Radio Marca. “Apart from that, the rest of the teams in the Primera Liga are stronger as they have […]

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Just look at the state of poor Petr Cech. He has been a pretty forlorn character ever since his horrific collision with Stephen Hunt forced him to wear his protective cap. But looking like the kid in PE class with the overprotective mum still hasn’t keep him out of trouble. Despite his training ground clash with Tal Ben Haim, with Carlo Cudicini also injured Cech has been rushed back to action to avoid Portuguese keeper Hilneverbegoodenoughfortoplayio being left to his own devices.

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It ain’t going to be Avram Grant, and that is fo’ sho’. As Chelsea’s form dips once again, it seems likely that this summer Roman Abramovich will present the Israeli with a shiny new badge saying ‘director of football’, or ‘general manager’, or ‘general manager of club shop’. While Grant is unlikely to be given the sack – Abramovich’s pride probably wouldn’t allow for that – a new man will probably be brought in to take over the first-team reigns. The question is, who will it be?

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Premier League and Champions League football is a high-pressured workplace for any player. If you are not accustomed to the rigours of first-team action it can come as a shock to the system. Chelsea’s serial benchwarmer, Carlo Cudicini, has been thrown in at the deep end with a run in the Chelsea first-team which must have taken its toll. It looks like the news that Petr Cech is out for the rest of the season has tipped Carlo over the edge. Look at him! He has flipped out! Crazy!

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Some excellent Horror Hair potential in the first leg of the FA Youth Cup final last night. Chelsea youngster Miroslav Stoch presumably went into his barber and asked for a long back and short sides. His nouveau mullet puts ‘Nando Torres’ to shame. The 18-year-old Slovakian is rumoured to be on the verge of a first-team appearance.

Arsenal vs Liverpool (7.45pm BST)
The battle of Britain commences with the first of three games in succession between these two teams. Arsenal will have to decide whether to move Eboue back into defence in place of the injured Bacary Sagna while Liverpool will continue with their latest system of using Gerrard in the hole behind the in-form Fernando Torres.

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Meet professional Ashley Cole lookalike Leon Knight. Last time we checked Leon Knight was a Wycombe Wanderers striker who began his career with Chelsea. But this Leon Knight’s only connection with the Blues is the fact that he is paid to impersonate Ashley Cole.

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Four-goal Frank Lampard is getting a bit too big for his boots and Didier Drogba doesn’t like it one bit. What he needs is a good shove in the back to bring his Messiah-like celebrations to an abrupt end and leave him flat on his face (or at least flat on his belly with his face hanging dangerously close to the pitch).

You are England so you have to speak English.” No wonder Lassana Diarra couldn’t wait to quit Chelsea. Just look at this relentless bullying. Apparently Geremi is Diarra’s father!