Roma tried to take a very cheeky corner against AC Milan on Saturday. David Pizarro taps the ball with his foot as he places the ball and therefore takes the corner. Pizarro then pretends he doesn’t fancy taking the corner anymore and jogs off into the penalty area. Simone Perrotta runs over to the ball and, knowing the corner has already been taken, starts dribbling the ball towards the box. Very crafty, but unfortunately it was so sneaky that even the linesman missed it and Roma were pulled up!

Surely up there with the shittest of our Shit Lookalikes? One is bald psychopath who lives in hope of one day ruling the world, the other is a bald psychopath who lives in hope of one day ruling the midfield.

1 English side dominates against international opposition before losing on penalties. In the words of Morrissey: “Stop me if you think that you’ve. Heard this one before.” I have been talking Phil Jagielka up for an England call-up and it looks like his penalty-taking is already at the required level.

HEROES
Benjani Mwaruwari Scoring the winning goal in the Manchester derby is not a bad debut in anyone’s books, even if you are only there for the money!

Have you seen Yakubu? Because his club Everton haven’t. The Nigerian striker should have returned to training on Wednesday, but he hasn’t showed up. Team-mate Joseph Yobo did make it back in one piece, which makes Yakubu’s mysterious absence look even worse. Yakubu will reportedly be fined £80,000, the maximum permitted under PFA rules, when [...]

Football is a team game, but it’s amazing how much of an effect one individual can have on his ten team-mates. Witness Jimmy Bullard’s match-winning performance for Fulham against Aston Villa at Craven Cottage yesterday afternoon. His return from a long-term injury has lifted everyone at the club; it’s no coincidence that Fulham struggled in Bullard’s absence.

West Ham 1-0 Liverpool An injury-time penalty by Mark Noble denied Liverpool a point that they didn’t deserve anyway. West Ham had the best chances, whereas Liverpool looked flat, as if their players were painfully aware that any chance of winning the league had disappeared several weeks ago. Rafa Benitez’s team are now 17 points behind both Man Utd and Arsenal. Fourth place is the best they can hope for now, and even that is no certainty.
Man of the match Mark Noble. On this form, the England U21 star must be close to a full England call-up.
Photo Getty Images

Joe Cole scores the only goal of the Carling Cup semi Final, second-leg match between Everton and Chelsea at Goodison Park. Everton have not beaten Chelsea since November 2000, a hoodoo of Arsenal vs Spurs proportions. Incidentally, Petr Cech played last night despite his wife giving birth to their first child – who said the [...]

Has a ball ever been struck more sweetly? Perhaps not. Big Al’s greatest goal in a black-and-white shirt (and there are a few to choose from). More wonder goals

Not only did G. Neville last 45 minutes for Man Utd’s reserves against Everton last night, before being replaced at half-time, but he also scored a goal! Most un-Neville like behaviour, although it wasn’t exactly a wonder goal by all accounts, involving at least two deflections. Still, it is good to see the miserable old [...]

John Obi Mikel is sent off by referee Peter Walton after a wild, studs-up challenge on Phil Neville during the Carling Cup semi final 1st leg between Chelsea and Everton at Stamford Bridge on January 8, 2008 in London, England. Photo Phil Cole/Getty Images

Everton have named 16-year-old defender Jack Rodwell in their squad to face AZ Alkmaar in the Uefa Cup tonight. The former England under 16s skipper, who can also play in midfield, is tipped to become the next Rio Ferdinand (a backhanded compliment you might say). The youngster is said to be strong, quick and have excellent composure on the ball.

There were some great goals scored at the weekend – Fernando Torres touch of class from the sub’s bench and Ronaldo’s finish from an exquisite Tevez pass come to mind – but we’re suckers for an overhead kick.

As requested, here’s Roo’s wonder goal that announced him to the world. He was just a few days shy of his 17th birthday at the time – scary. I didn’t think Clive Tyldesley’s voice could go any higher, but it goes off the scale here, like some parodic, Spitting Image version of himself.

January 2003 Wayne Rooney, then aged 17, poses in front of a portrait of Everton legend Dixie Dean at Goodison Park, following the signing of his first professional contract on January 17, 2003. Photo Getty Images

A solid home win for David Moyes’s men. Tim Cahill, who lasted 65 minutes before being substituted, scored on his return from a long-term injury. It’s hard to underestimate just how much Everton have missed the combative Aussie since he last played for them in March. He’s their key player, their talisman, their heartbeat. Mikel [...]

What’s with the inflated carrier bags? I guess it’s a dig at Everton’s new stadium plans, which also include high street shops, a hotel and a giant Tesco supermarket. Anyway, I’m sure you can come up with a fine caption for this pic…

Yet another nomination from Pies reader Chringle. There’s definitely an element of shitness to this one, but I see where he’s coming from. Personally, I think Mikel Arteta looks more like a Mediterranean Michael Vaughan.

Aston Villa 1-0 West Ham
Craig Gardner won the match for Villa, but Dean Ashton is now a doubt for England after picking up a knee injury.

Right Pies fans, you’ve spent all week in front of this computer and it is about time you worked off a bit of that excess. We were going to get Mr Motivator in to give you a workout but he was already booked. So we got the next best thing: David Moyes. All together now: you put your left leg in…

Birmingham 0-1 Manchester United
Crissy Ronaldo (© Pies) pounced early in the second-half to give United victory and keep up with Arsenal.

Everton keeper Stefan Wessels finished last night’s Carling Cup victory over Sheffield Wednesday looking like a cross between Bjorn Borg and Mr Bump after a collision with former Toffee Francis Jeffers.

Arsenal 5-0 Derby
Emmanuel Adebayor scored a hat-trick and Cesc Fabregas stole the show as the Gunners hit top gear.

Everton striker Andy Johnson might not be able to command a regular place in the England team, but his skills might be appreciated in the misfiring England rugby union team judging on his penalty of Chris Waddle proportions last night. Johnson, having already had a penalty saved, sent his spot-kick to row Z against Metalist Kharkiv in the Uefa Cup. The match ended 1-1.

Arsenal 1-0 Manchester City
Cesc Fabregas finally found a breakthrough, despite an excellent performance from Manchester City goalkeeper Kasper Schmeichel. The young Dane made a string of saves, including Robin van Persie’s 65th minute penalty.