What has Everton boss David Moyes done to piss off West Ham Utd? Moyes has been forced to publicly rubbish claims that star striker Andrew Johnson will be tempted to Upton Park for around a £13m fee: ‘AJ was a top layer at Everton last season and he will be again next season… The West Ham consortium wouldn’t have enough money to buy Johnson or any other Everton player… and for them to think they could shows a real lack of understanding of our game.’

Having come up trumps with the Dirk Kuyt/Hercules axis of blondeness, regular Pies reader Cole continues on a lookalike tip with this sterling effort – Phil Neville (left) and Lurch (right), the butler from the Addams Family, could be father and son.

Ahead of this month’s Champions League final, Milan dynamo Rino Gattuso has taken a pop at Liverpool’s long-ball dinosaurs: ‘All Liverpool try to do is defend together, with everybody behind the ball and just one striker… All they do is play long balls — every ball is a long ball. It is very different to Manchester, who are a real footballing team.’

A few transfer bits and bobs doing the rounds today…

Tributes and flowers for the late Alan Ball, left by Everton fans outside Goodison Park. [Photo: Getty Images]

Put simply, it was a shit weekend for goals in the Premiership, so I won’t post the top five. There were just two half-decent goals scored, both of which you can watch below…

Everton manager David Moyes is suing Wayne Rooney over comments made in the Manchester United star’s autobiography. Moyes issued a writ at the High Court claiming Rooney’s book – My Story So Far -had “injured his professional and personal reputation” and caused him distress. The action relates to Rooney’s account of his transfer from Goodison [...]

One of the funniest things I’ve seen all season. Everton’s defence goes one way, all except poor Joleon Lescott, who forgot he was supposed to be playing the offside trap. Even Phil Neville found it hard not to laugh about it when he was interviewed after the match.

News reaches us that Premiership chairmen are going to be forced into cutting ‘obscene’ ticket prices because fans have just about had enough of being the victims of daylight robbery every weekend, and as a result, football has reached a tipping point. Two top-flight chairmen have expressed the same view, both of whom predict price [...]

Irony. Not something that footballers are great at spotting. Want an example? Well, here is Bolton Wanderers right-back Nicky Hunt offering forthright views on Phil ‘Newly Hatched Bird’ Neville. [Mof Gimmers]

The FA are to launch a second investigation into claims that Newcastle midfielder Emre used racist language. A newspaper report today alleged the  Turkey international, who has already been charged by the FA with using racially-aggravated language during the defeat at Everton on December 30, made a comment to Bolton striker El-Hadji Diouf during a [...]

Former Manchester United winger and all round twinkle toes Andrei Kanchelskis has decided to retire from football. Kanchelskis, now 38-years-old, said: "You need to leave at the right time. Now seems a suitable moment to begin a new chapter in my footballing life," added Kanchelskis, who will be deciding his plans in the coming weeks. [...]

Rafa Benitez referred to Everton as a small club at the weekend and it ruffled some feathers.  The Spaniard said after Saturday’s 0-0 Merseyside derby: "When you play against the smaller teams at Anfield you know the game will be narrow." Everton chief executive Keith Wyness responded on the club website and said: "Benitez is [...]

Fans who have experienced the thrill of an away match will know how addictive it is. The trip down, the pre-match pints in a strange pub, being in a strange ground. It’s like a holiday with a football match stuck in the middle of it! However, loads give it a wide berth because they can’t [...]

When people look back on great players, one name is often omitted. That name is Mark Hughes. ‘Sparky’ had spells at Barca (where they called him Leslie), Bayern as well as spells at Everton, Chelsea, Southampton and Blackburn. However, it’s his time at ManYoo where he’ll be remembered best for his explosive finishes… and curly [...]

When Sylvester Stallone put in an appearance at Goodison Park before Everton‘s game against Reading yesterday carrying a few extra pounds than when his first Rocky film came out in 1976, there was a certain resemblance to a real-life sporting legend with his own weight problems. [Rob Parker]

Everton striker Andy Johnson has accepted the apology of Jose Mourinho over accusations that he dived against Chelsea. The Blues boss – presumably informed by Mrs Mourinho that she would have the forthcoming fine/slander payout spent on her Christmas present – issued an apology over his comments. Mourinho strained himself to state: "Everton, his manager [...]

http://www.arsenal.com/Images/g/ground_everton.jpg The Everton chief exec’ Keith Wyness has spoken in an attempt to calm fans’ fears over plans to move to a new stadium out of Liverpool. The Merseyside club are currently in talks about relocating to Kirkby but Wyness told BBC Five Live the fans’ concerns about moving out of Liverpool would be considered. He added: “This option is a good one, in terms of transport links and the financial package, and it’s something we thought we must explore further. But redeveloping Goodison Park may well be the way ahead in the end.”…

Sneaky Everton are apparently trying to con Fulham into swapping Luis Boa Morte (the Cottagers’ skipper and talisman) for Simon Davies (mediocre Welsh midfielder). The Mirror reports that the Toffees want to exchange £8 million-rated Boa Morte for Davies, a player they paid an over-inflated £4 million for last year. You have to wonder whether [...]

http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/41711000/jpg/_41711308_lescott203x152.jpg There something going wrong at Everton. The results aren’t bad, and the manager seems like a decent chap… so it can only be one thing. A crap haircut. Step up please Joleon Lescott…

This is hilarious! I’m sure everyone is familiar with the ‘yes’ or ‘no’ game (well, everyone except Phil Neville). The very basic concept around which the game revolves is that you are asked questions and cannot use the words ‘yes’ or ‘no’ in your answer. So, contrary to the footage you are about to watch, [...]

When Charlton’s Andy Reid scored against Everton at the weekend he must have been thrilled. By the same token, David Moyes must have been furious when he saw the ball whistle past Yobo’s arse as he lazily tied up his boots whilst an attack was on. Time for a spot of pointing and laughing I [...]

When was the last time you can recall a real proper ding-dong in a Merseyside derby? Well, for those of you who can’t think of loads, here’s probably the best of them all. Everton pluckily came back time and time again against an all concqeuring Liverpool side in a cracking 4-4 draw…

http://eur.news1.yimg.com/eur.yimg.com/ng/sp/empics/2536845 The FA has launched investigations into the two coin-throwing incidents at the West Ham/Arsenal and Fulham/Everton matches that took place over the weekend. On Saturday, Fulham’s Claus Jensen was hit by a coin thrown by an Everton fan in their 1-0 victory at Craven Cottage and Gunners’ striker Robin van Persie was struck by 2p at Upton Park on Sunday during the Gunners’ 1-0 defeat…

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/sport/graphics/2005/01/17/sfnhan17.jpg Arsene Wenger loves the beautiful game. Us fans love the beautiful game too. However, people who support smaller clubs like watching their side beat Arsenal by any means even more. Which is precisely Arsene’s gripe. Wenger has said that he’s becoming bored by…