So, it was Luis Suarez who refused Patrice Evra‘s offer of a handshake at Old Trafford earlier this afternoon…

The mascot is seen here at the exact moment he realises he’s not the most immature man on the pitch

Evra grabbed Suarez, then Rio Ferdinand also refused to shake his hand.

Manchester United eventually won 2-1, and Evra ran around the pitch over-celebrating; beating his chest, whooping and kissing his badge – making a point of gravitating toward Suarez in the process before being shepherded aside by referee Phil Down and a clutch of stewards.

Children. The pair of them. Neither comes out of this with their dignity intact.

                          

In which, during Borussia Monchengladbach’s DFB Pokal quarter-final tie with Hertha Berlin on Wednesday night, Monchengladbach striker Igor De Camargo goes down like a big cheating sack of spuds to get Hertha centre-half Roman Hubnik sent off…

Is he alright? Somebody better call Alessandro Del Piero, stat!

The crowning glacé cherry on the dog turd of fate? After over 100 minutes of goalless toil, De Camargo’s feigned aneurysm won/conned his side a breakthrough penalty in extra-time – with Monchengladbach going on to win 2-0 and book themselves a place in the last four.

What. A. Bastard.

                          

By Chris Wright

‘The Hart Fart’ appears to be a phenomenon that most Man City fans are aware of already, being as though their official in-house television channel has already produced an in-depth analysis package to accompany the video.

For the unenlightened, the clip is taken from City’s 2011 blooper reel and sees Joe Hart letting go of a little bum toot in the back of a taxi, with captain Vincent Kompany trying desperately to keep a straight face in order to admonish young Joseph and his rogue sphincter, while Micah Richards just explodes in fits of howling laughter…

Yep. They roped in Noel Gallagher to pundit a fart.

Via Dirty Tackle

                          

By Alan Duffy

Who Ate All The Pies indeed…

A fine striker in his time, and a winner of four Scudettos with Internazionale, Adriano Leite Ribeiro was always dazzled by the bright lights of the big city. Indeed, if it wasn’t for his penchant for partying, he could have gone on to become one of his country finest exports of recent times. Instead, his star has been dimming for some time, in direct correlation to his growing girth.

Now back at Corinthians in his home country, Adriano’s weight has become such a ‘big’ issue for his club, they have decided to lock him in his hotel room and only give him food okayed by the club’s medical staff. Desperate times call for desperate measures and all that.

Fabio Mahseredjian, Corinthians fitness (not fatness) trainer, said:

“In the hotel we have more control over him. He knows we’re trying to do the best for him. All of us are dedicated, but it depends on him. Weight loss comes only through diet: you cannot lose weight through physical activity alone.”

Fellow fatty Ronaldo presents Adriano with a big box of chocolates on his arrival at Corinthians

I see a reality TV show in the offing – Celebrity Footballer Fat Camp, with Adriano, Ronaldo, Frank Lampard et al fighting it out to become the biggest loser. (Actually to be fair to Frankie Lamps, I’ve never quite got the ‘Fat Frank’ taunts. He has always seemed quite trim to me. )

                          

It’s been a heavy old day so far, what with the situation at the top of the England tree and everything, so here’s the perfect antidote – a truly pathetic own-goal to watch, savour and enjoy.

The guilty party is one Ashraf Soliman of Israeli club Maccabi Umm al-Fahm who, with his side 2-1 up in the 89th minute of an domestic cup tie against Hapoel Afula, panicked under pressure and duly farted a dreadful poke past his own keeper to level the score at two apiece…

The dozy tart’s night’s work wasn’t finished there though. After his ridiculous last-minute bollock-drop took the game to extra-time, Soliman went and scored the winner at the right end in the 97th minute!

It’s just as well he did really, as there was probably a distinct possibility that he may have woken up without a club this morning had he not redeemed himself for his earlier howler.

Video: 101GG

                          

By Chris Wright

As you no doubt remember, former Italy battering ram Christian Vieri is appearing on the Italian version of ‘Strictly Come Dancing With The Stars On Ice-Factor’ at the moment – with his latest routine, a Brazilian Capoeira (a dance based on a strain of martial arts, made famous by Tekken’s Eddie Gordo), showcasing all the grace and mobility he displayed on the football pitch during his last few years as a pro, i.e, absolutely none…

Judges, can we have your scores please?

Ah.

                          

By Chris Wright

In which the majestic, graceful, honest and British Gareth Bale is unfortunate enough to run headlong through a hotspot of intensely strong gravity caused by solar flares reflecting off the twin moons of Tatooine at Anfield on Monday night.

Poor Gareth…

It may well have looked like a pathetic dive to those too ignorant to spot the atmospheric disturbance, but I can assure you that honest, British players like Gareth would never stoop so low as to associate with such a devious practice – not like Luis Suarez, of whom it should be expected. He is a horrible foreign oik after all.

Bale, as I mentioned previously, is British.

                          

Gary Lineker may himself exude a certain charm-free smugness but next to the high king of smug gobshitery that is Piers Morgan, the Match Of The Day host is a crisp-promoting little sweetie bum.

Morgan took on Lineker on Twitter today, as he continues to cultivate his contrived “Mr Nasty” image. This time, Lineker destroyed him with a fine, measured Tweet. Well done Mr Lineker…

Boom! There’s no coming back from that.

Via @MarioBaloteLAD

                          

By Chris Wright

After serving his eight-game ban for being a devious little shit to the Nth degree, Luis Suarez returned for Liverpool last night and duly picked up where he left off – giving Scott Parker a sly kick in the ribs.

He’s obviously spent the eight games dutifully reassessing his conduct, mulling over lessons learnt and bettering himself as a person. Gah…

Before anyone argues to the contrary, there is absolutely NOTHING accidental about that. Fully fledged and fully intended.

Kick in the gut not doing it for you? How about a wild Alaskan, line-caught sustainably-farmed eye gouge?…

THERE IS NO NEED TO ACT LIKE THIS ON A FOOTBALL PITCH!!

I’d like to state now that I’m by no means anti-Liverpool, just whole-heartedly anti-Suarez. Here’s hoping that the FA see fit to give the little shit another eight games on the sidelines, the feral little swine.

I want him to go and never come back, preferably from some God-forsaken Siberian Gulag.

                          

By Chris Wright

In which, an hour or so into Milan’s slumber-inducing goalless draw with Napoli yesterday, Almighty Zlatan provides the game’s sole ‘highlight’ by unfurling an arm around Antonio Nocerino’s shoulder in order to expertly disguise an elaborate ’round the houses’ slap to Salvatore Aronica’s face…

Unsurprisingly, Zlatan saw a straight red card and is now due to be slapped – metaphorically of course – with a three-match ban, should the Italian FA deem his black belt finger waggling to be a ‘violent gesture’.

Something tells us they probably will.