It’s like Chris Kamara’s shirt collar is so stiff that he can hardly turn his head to see what’s going on. For some reason, this clip makes me laugh out loud.

Cue Denis Norden with clipboard/pithy comment. Taken from a regional news show when Jimmy was playing for Peterborough United.

I miss Jimmy Bullard, but not as much as Fulham have missed him. Football’s cheekiest chap is due to return from injury next month for Fulham. By the way, for our younger readers, Paul Nicholas is a former TV star/stage actor/pop star type, best-known for his roles in Just Good Friends, famous for being one [...]

Go on Volzy, my son. Pies hero, superstar diarist and Fulham player, Moritz Volz, has been using his column on the Times’ website to voice his distaste for Sepp Blatter – a distate shared by Pies and most right-minded football fans. The issue particularly concerning Volzy, though there are many to choose from, is Blatter’s plans to limit the number of foreign players in starting line-ups.

It’s sort of a rhetorical question, because to my mind he is definitely the worst player in the top flight. I’ve seen him in the flesh a couple of times this season and he’s been truly shite, of a standard you’d expect of players in League One or worse. Quite why Lawrie Sanchez bought him, [...]

Aston Villa 1-0 West Ham
Craig Gardner won the match for Villa, but Dean Ashton is now a doubt for England after picking up a knee injury.

Birmingham 0-1 Manchester United
Crissy Ronaldo (© Pies) pounced early in the second-half to give United victory and keep up with Arsenal.

Whilst looking for something entirely different, I stumbled across this image of Fulham chairman, Mohammed Al Fayed. Thing is… what the bloody hell is going on…

Arsenal 5-0 Derby
Emmanuel Adebayor scored a hat-trick and Cesc Fabregas stole the show as the Gunners hit top gear.

Arsenal 1-0 Manchester City
Cesc Fabregas finally found a breakthrough, despite an excellent performance from Manchester City goalkeeper Kasper Schmeichel. The young Dane made a string of saves, including Robin van Persie’s 65th minute penalty.

Portsmouth 1-1 Manchester United
Cristiano Ronaldo grimaces after being shown a red card for violent conduct.

Yet another of Pies’ hugely popular barrel-scraping doppelgangers series, Shit Lookalikes, for your viewing pleasure. Fulham’s Anglo-Ecuadorian-Northern Irish manager Lawrie Sanchez and his new specs are a dead ringer for Anglo-Chinese Channel 4 presenter Gok Wan, star of the WAG must-watch How To Look Good Naked.

Volzy, Volzy, Volzy. What are you going to get up to next? The crazy Fulham utility man had to be rescued by a handyman after locking himself in his toilet. The German was preparing to leave his house for the pre-season friendly with Brighton when the incident happened. Volzy nipped to the loo before leaving, but found the door had jammed when he tried to get out.

The big kick-off is nigh and we don’t have a thing to wear. Well, we do now. This is part one of a bumper Kit Parade Special from Pies.
Arsenal
This looks a little familiar… wait a cotton picking minute! Yes, Arsenal have retained last season’s home kit for a further season. It makes my job a bit harder because you have all seen it before, but I’d be delighted if I was a Gooner. Comiserations to the parents of young Arsenal fans who will have to think a bit harder about birthday presents this year! Click here to buy it from Kitbag.

New Fulham signing Lee Cook has donated his £250,000 signing-on fee to former club QPR. Boyhood Rangers fan Cook knew QPR were struggling for cash and thought they had been paid under the odds by Fulham for his services. He said: “It goes through your mind the club might go into administration but I heard new investors are coming.”

Meet Cork City striker Roy O’Donovan who is likely to link-up with his namesake Keane in the near future. Sunderland and Fulham are both interested in the 21-year-old striker who they believe could be the next Kevin Doyle. The Reading striker forged the route from Cork City to scoring regularly in the Premier League. O’Donovan scored 21 goals in the Eircom League last season, and both Keane and Lawrie Sanchez seem happy that he can make the step up to the Premiership.

Welcome once again to Friendly Watch. It’s like the pre-season version of Springwatch, but with less Bill Oddie and more goals. This is possibly – unless anyone can think of another example – the first all-Premiership clash of the season. Portsmouth defeated Fulham 1-0 in the Barclays Asia Trophy with this goal from Benjani (although you are more likely to be struck by the eerily anti-Prem walking pace of the game).

Pies’ favourite nutcase Moritz Volz, the wackiest player in the Prem, has been taking in the tennis at Wimbledon. As per usual, this was an excellent opportunity for an exciting entry in the Fulham man’s online diary (one day this will be printed and become a bestseller, Pies is sure). And, as per usual, the diary entry was packed with the kind of crazy quotes we have come to expect from the German.

Until now if you had told Pies that Chris Coleman had an interest in Basques we would have envisaged the ex-Fulham boss creeping round Ann Summers trying not to draw too much attention to himself. But – perhaps even more shocking than that image – it seems the Welsh whinger is being primed for a return to management at recently relegated Spanish side Real Sociedad.

With the unfortunate news that Jimmy Bullard will not be fit for the start of the season, we are in dire need of a Bullard fix. Here is one of his finest moments: Jimmy leapfrogging a goalmouth scramble while playing for Wigan Athletic. We have no idea why, but that’s Jimmy Bullard for you!

One of Pies’ favourite Premiership players, Fulham midfielder Jimmy Bullard, is to miss the start of next season. The former Wigan man is still having problems with the knee ligament injury which wrote off last season’s campaign for him. The 28-year-old has not played since September last year when a tackle with Newcastle’s Scott Parker dislocated his knee and put paid to his all-action start to the season.

Chelsea Phone Chargers and Fulham Fridge Floggers are pushing each other around while arguing over who loves South Korean international Lee Chun Soo the most. The West London rivals are both eager to keep their Korean sponsors happy by signing a player who could warm their bench with the efficiency of a Korean microwave warming your dinner.

We haven’t taken a peek at Moritz Volz’s diary for a while, but a recent visit is full of tremendous information on his summer holiday to America – like how he took all six of his ‘heavy biology books’ to revise for his exams, but that he hasn’t yet got around to opening any of them, because he’s ‘relying on being asked the right questions’ – a cunning exam trick which Pies tried on many occasions.

A solid performance from our American cousins, featuring goals from Man City’s DaMarcus Beasley and Fulham’s Clint Dempsey. Big Gooch Onyewu, formerly of Newcastle United, also scored, with a well-directed header.

Fulham have signed a lucrative four-year kit deal with Nike (the American influence paying off?), which in addition to the club’s shirts sponsorship deal with electronic giants LG, is a sign that the club means business for next season.