By Chris Wright

The Evra/Suarez handshake kerfuffle in GIF form, on endless repeat for the rest of time…

*Squidge squidge squidge*

Can you hear that? That’s the sound of Pies milking this thing dry.

GIF via @patricksp71

                          

By Chris Wright

In which the majestic, graceful, honest and British Gareth Bale is unfortunate enough to run headlong through a hotspot of intensely strong gravity caused by solar flares reflecting off the twin moons of Tatooine at Anfield on Monday night.

Poor Gareth…

It may well have looked like a pathetic dive to those too ignorant to spot the atmospheric disturbance, but I can assure you that honest, British players like Gareth would never stoop so low as to associate with such a devious practice – not like Luis Suarez, of whom it should be expected. He is a horrible foreign oik after all.

Bale, as I mentioned previously, is British.

                          

By Chris Wright

After serving his eight-game ban for being a devious little shit to the Nth degree, Luis Suarez returned for Liverpool last night and duly picked up where he left off – giving Scott Parker a sly kick in the ribs.

He’s obviously spent the eight games dutifully reassessing his conduct, mulling over lessons learnt and bettering himself as a person. Gah…

Before anyone argues to the contrary, there is absolutely NOTHING accidental about that. Fully fledged and fully intended.

Kick in the gut not doing it for you? How about a wild Alaskan, line-caught sustainably-farmed eye gouge?…

THERE IS NO NEED TO ACT LIKE THIS ON A FOOTBALL PITCH!!

I’d like to state now that I’m by no means anti-Liverpool, just whole-heartedly anti-Suarez. Here’s hoping that the FA see fit to give the little shit another eight games on the sidelines, the feral little swine.

I want him to go and never come back, preferably from some God-forsaken Siberian Gulag.

                          

By Chris Wright

Whereas I’m pretty sure it would have still gone in on the other side of Joe Hart’s goal, Darron Gibson’s heavily deflected winner against Man City last night saw his old club Manchester United go level on points with their rivals at the summit of the Premier League – pretty much making his goal last night the best thing he ever did for United, indeed they were chanting his name 30 miles away at Old Trafford when the news broke…

Gibbo’s goal has gone down so well with his former teammates that Rio Ferdinand has tweeted him this morning to genuinely offer the Everton midfielder a free dinner at his Rosso restaurant (the food’s lovely, though the herbs are a little strong).

How nice.

                          

By Chris Wright

Here is my solemn promise to you Pies fans; this will be the greatest thing you see on the internet this week…

Via @davidkeywood

                          

We’ll have a few more bits and bobs from last night’s second-leg El Clasico shenanigans over the course of the morning, but for now you’ll have to make do with this – Dani Alves’ angled, first-time, top-corner screamer to put Barca two goals up on the night and three up on aggregate…

Considering we’re talking about Dani ‘just twat it’ Alves here, that was the last place I thought the ball was going to end up.

It’s worth having another little glimpse at that celebration…

Hey Carles, enjoy your trip? LULZ

                          

By Chris Wright

I know this is in incredibly poor taste, but a) it’s ‘Off-Shore Harry’ and, b)  it made my snort boiling tea all over my lap – so I don’t care…

Thanks to Pies fan Neil for the nudge.

                          

By Chris Wright

In which, shortly before scoring the winning penalty in Man City’s at-the-buzzer victory over Tottenham yesterday afternoon, Mario Balotelli – for reasons unknown – quite obviously rakes his studs down Scott Parker’s Tibetan Fox face…

Not our Mario’s finest moment. In fact, it’s pretty disgusting on his part. Needless, opportunistic, completely intentional and potentially incredibly dangerous – not to mention a nailed-on red-card offence.

We don’t want to go all Daily Mail on you, but Parker could have been blinded given the angle and venom behind the stamp. Balotelli had no idea where he was planting those studs as he raked at his prone opponent. Could’ve been cheek, could’ve been forehead, could’ve been eye socket.

Couple this with Joleon Lescott’s forearm crack across Younes Kaboul’s jaw…

…going completely unpunished and it seems that the FA may have a fair bit of retrospective work to get through this week.

                          

What we have here is Arsenal trio Mikel Arteta, Laurent Koscielny and Robin van Persie posing in a clutch of brilliant but slightly creepy ‘moving photographs’ (or ‘cinemagraphs’ to give them their proper name) for Citroen.

The effect is really quite weird – an otherwise static photo, just with the slightest hint of movement here and there…

So strange, but undeniably cool.

Via Mirror

                          

By Chris Wright

He may be a bit of a luxury player at times, but when Michael Carrick gets it right it’s usually a treat to watch – just look at the arc on this beauty, putting Danny Welbeck through on goal with a sumptuous 25-yard needle-threading pass against Bolton yesterday…

Carrick’s deft, clipped goal against Bolton wasn’t half bad either. You can see it here if you wish.

GIF: Twitpic