In which, during Borussia Monchengladbach’s DFB Pokal quarter-final tie with Hertha Berlin on Wednesday night, Monchengladbach striker Igor De Camargo goes down like a big cheating sack of spuds to get Hertha centre-half Roman Hubnik sent off…

Is he alright? Somebody better call Alessandro Del Piero, stat!

The crowning glacé cherry on the dog turd of fate? After over 100 minutes of goalless toil, De Camargo’s feigned aneurysm won/conned his side a breakthrough penalty in extra-time – with Monchengladbach going on to win 2-0 and book themselves a place in the last four.

What. A. Bastard.

                          

By Chris Wright

I think I may have an idea why Chelsea are stuttering a bit this season; if this video is anything to go by, their training sessions are utter chaos!

Firstly we see some assorted slapping from everyone present, then Fernando Torres exacts revenge on John Terry for an earlier buffeting by wrestling him to the ground. It’s quite something to behold, like Shadowfax trying to mount some kind of man-sized rodent.

What follows is some lovely dancing, Josh McEachran struggling to get into a Horrible Histories book (quite literally), a bit of long-range buttock bruising, a Norman Wisdom-esque Juan Mata dropping his phone and to top it all off – full of confidence after downing his captain with a suplex - Torres attempting to repeat the feat on poor Raul Meireles, duly nicking his luminous yellow handkerchief in the process…

Will the fun never end?!

Video: Chelsea TV

                          

By Chris Wright

After serving his eight-game ban for being a devious little shit to the Nth degree, Luis Suarez returned for Liverpool last night and duly picked up where he left off – giving Scott Parker a sly kick in the ribs.

He’s obviously spent the eight games dutifully reassessing his conduct, mulling over lessons learnt and bettering himself as a person. Gah…

Before anyone argues to the contrary, there is absolutely NOTHING accidental about that. Fully fledged and fully intended.

Kick in the gut not doing it for you? How about a wild Alaskan, line-caught sustainably-farmed eye gouge?…

THERE IS NO NEED TO ACT LIKE THIS ON A FOOTBALL PITCH!!

I’d like to state now that I’m by no means anti-Liverpool, just whole-heartedly anti-Suarez. Here’s hoping that the FA see fit to give the little shit another eight games on the sidelines, the feral little swine.

I want him to go and never come back, preferably from some God-forsaken Siberian Gulag.

                          

By Chris Wright

In which, an hour or so into Milan’s slumber-inducing goalless draw with Napoli yesterday, Almighty Zlatan provides the game’s sole ‘highlight’ by unfurling an arm around Antonio Nocerino’s shoulder in order to expertly disguise an elaborate ’round the houses’ slap to Salvatore Aronica’s face…

Unsurprisingly, Zlatan saw a straight red card and is now due to be slapped – metaphorically of course – with a three-match ban, should the Italian FA deem his black belt finger waggling to be a ‘violent gesture’.

Something tells us they probably will.

                          

By Chris Wright

Just Tottenham midfielder Sandro, half-naked, going through a few of his Zumba moves in the Spurs dressing room while shouting ‘PAY!’ and ‘FISH!’ every couple of seconds to enhance the effect…

Note to self: Don’t piss off Sandro any time soon.

Via @Danny25Rose

                          

By Chris Wright

Ladies and Gentlewinkles, I give you the “Future of Sport”, ULTIMATE TAZER BALL – which is, essentially, just 4-a-side football match but with the added jeopardy of suffering a massive, tazer-induced heart attack…

The future is here people, and just in time for the Olympics too!

                          

By Chris Wright

It’s not often you find yourself left in the unenviable position of having to sympathise with Mark van Bommel, but during AC Milan’s 3-1 Coppa Italia victory over Lazio last night one such instance occurred.

With Lazio 2-1 down and defending a late corner, Brazilian centre-back Dias took an almighty swing at Van Bommel’s temples and caught the Milan midfielder with a cowardly blow to the side of the head that left him sprawled on the turf for a couple of minutes.

Unfortunately for the Dutchman, both officials missed the assault and, rather than a penalty and a straight red, Dias was free to scamper off without any punishment whatsoever…

Of course, it’s hard to feel sorry for Van Bommel given his entire career to date, but at least his thuggery and gamesmanship usually has a gossamer-thin footballing pretence. What Dias did was just vicious, pure and simple.

Video: 101GG

                          

By Chris Wright

Hands up. We’ve been a bit lapse with our coverage of the African Nations so far. That’s going to change as soon as the group stages are over but, for now, you’ll have to make do with dribs and drabs – including this startling piece of cheatery spotted during co-host nation Equatorial Guinea’s dramatic late win to send much-fancied Senegal tumbling out of the tournament yesterday.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you…Narcisse Ekanga…

First bout of hammy play-acting didn’t register with the referee? Give it another whirl! Jesus wept, what an utter prannet.

(Thanks to Pies’ very own Greg Evans for the nudge)

                          

Hallelujah! Saint Pepe has apologised for crushing Lionel Messi’s fingers on Wednesday night and guess what? He didn’t mean it, honest guv…

Here it is again in good ol’ fashioned ‘written down’ format for posterity’s sake using the PA’s translation:

“I wish to say yesterday’s incident with Leo Messi was unintentional, but I nevertheless want to apologise to him if he was offended because all I do is defend my team and this institution.

“I try and defend my team to the limit, give my heart and soul, and the thought of hurting a colleague has never entered my mind.”

To be fair, it probably never entered his mind because he is – to all intents and purposes – mindless.

Video: Liga BBVA

                          

In which, during last night’s Copa del Rey quarter-final first-leg El Clasico in Madrid, Real Madrid’s in-house butcher Pepe indulged in a spot of what he loves to do the bestest – stamping on Lionel Messi’s hand as the Barca tyke sat on the turf after being barrelled over by Jose Callejon…

Not content with mashing Leo’s digits into paté, Pepe also found time to for a bit of diving on the touchline when the advances of Cesc Fabregas sent air particles crashing into his face and knocked the poor lamb clean of his feet…

Yet more proof (if more proof were needed) that Pepe is, by some considerable distance, the most despicable, detestable player in world football today.

For the record, Barcelona won 2-1 in the Bernabeu – we’ll have photos and highlights up shortly.