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Who ate all the pies

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Horror Hair

Horror Hair: Every so often a hairstyle comes along that is worthy of note and/or scorn. Mostly scorn. This way for a comprehensive run-down of the most baffling follicular arrangements ever attempted by professional footballers.

Horror Hair: Alan Smith

December 3rd, 2007

What’s all this about then? It was one thing for Big Sam Allardyce to insist on playing a striker in midfield, but now he appears to have taken to playing a porcupine in midfield. Alan Smith has rekindled his love affair with peroxide. Unfortunately there wasn’t enough left in his last bottle to do a full head of hair.

horror%20hair%20veloso.JPGSporting Lisbon midfielder Miguel Veloso was one player especially hoping to catch Sir Alex Ferguson’s eye when he played against Manchester United last night, and he certainly picked a haircut to do just that. The 21-year-old holding player is reportedly a target for Fergie who wants to add him to the Old Trafford Portuguese contingent before next season.

Copa%20Classic%20Hair%20t-shirt.JPGPies’ love of Horror Hair is well-documented, so what better for Santa to bring us than this cool t-shirt dedicated to some of the beautiful game’s most infamous barnets.

Horror Hair: Ronaldo

November 20th, 2007

77979972.jpgI though that Ronaldo was bald by default rather than choice, but that was before dude grew a ‘fro. It seems that the rotund one has hit the bottle and resorted to hair regrowth products.

We first noticed something different about Gallas’ bonce last week but couldn’t be sure. It’s not even conclusive in this picture but we think that the Frenchman has gone all punk with a mohican – is he trying to act the trendy dad to Arsenal’s young stars?
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Two sets of ginger locks blowing in the breeze. Two pairs of ginger eyebrows and puffy eyes beneath them. One is Irish, the other is German. One plays in the red-and-white of Sunderland, the other played surrounded by the red-and-white of strawberries and cream!
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Horror Hair: Gavin McCann

November 12th, 2007

76772182.jpgBolton midfielder Gavin McCann favours the balding badger look these days, so much so that he only just made it into the Horror Hair category and was almost a Shit Lookalike for Pepe Le Pew! He has always had a receding hairline, but it has now receded so far that it is practically in-growing. Against Middlesbrough yesterday, McCann was shamed into covering his hair in a bandage (OK, the clash of heads might have influenced his decision slightly).

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A slight variation on our usual Horror hair theme but Dean Leacock’s ghetto fabulous attempt makes him look more like a boy ‘in a hood’ – we only hope that what’s underneath is even worse.

Spurs self-styled ‘Ghetto Kid’ made his debut at the weekend but had a bit of a stinker – not least for his Pepe Le Pew haircut.
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Horror Hair: Pape Diakhate

October 24th, 2007

The Dynamo Kiev defender has obviously attended the Didier Drogba school of style – step away from the straighteners!
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When we gave Stephen Ireland our usual Horror Hair treatment last week we thought we were just indulging in a little harmless mickey-taking at the expense of a guy who had clearly had some sort of baldness treatment/hair transplant. When we linked the mystery of his reappearing hair to the mystery of his reappearing grandmothers it was purely in jest. However, it now seems that Ireland’s hair could be the real reason for his departure from the Republic of Ireland squad.

Horror Hair: Stephen Ireland

October 9th, 2007

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Congratulations to Stephen Ireland’s hairdresser who seems to have found a cure for baldness. Last season the Manchester City midfielder sported a hairline not to dissimilar to that of Monty Burns. And yet this season the occasional Republic of Ireland international has a fringe The Beatles would be proud of.

Horror Hair: Jo, CSKA Moscow

October 8th, 2007

Meet Jo (full name: Joao Alves de Assis Silva), a Brazilian striker who plays for CSKA Moscow, sporting the ‘windswept crackhead’ look during a league game against FC Vladivostok at the weekend. Tame that hair Jo!

Roma’s uncompromising central defender trapped in the body of a beach bum, Philippe Mexes, has Horror Hair at the best of times. The Frenchman’s greasy, peroxide-tinted long locks have been featured on Pies before. But last night’s match against Manchester United revealed a cheeky little addition to his barnet, which pushes him further up the Horror Hair stakes: pig-tails. Yes, Philippe now has little tiny girls pig-tails.

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Whilst watching Match Of The Day at the weekend, I was shocked at how football is able to still surprise after all these years. I’m not talking about the match between Pompey and Reading that finished 34 – 12, but rather, the horrific thatch sat atop Peter Walton’s cranium. Refereeing the Blackburn/Sunderland match, Walton’s wild receder left me completely distracted from the action. Great stuff… if horrendous…

stefan%20wessels.jpgEverton keeper Stefan Wessels finished last night’s Carling Cup victory over Sheffield Wednesday looking like a cross between Bjorn Borg and Mr Bump after a collision with former Toffee Francis Jeffers.

This is a classic middle-aged German woman’s haircut – bleached, slightly spiky, and, most importantly for this look, the hint of a mullet. I like it. For more entertaining stuff on women’s football, check out sister site Kickster

ronaldo%20pro%20evo.JPGCristiano Ronaldo is the face Pro Evo 2008 (due out next month), but we are more interested in his hair than his face. To be fair, that is exactly where your eyes will be drawn when you look at the picture on the game’s box. His perfectly sculpted quiff defies gravity. Whether he fancies David Beckham’s old Brylcreem contract we don’t know, but some serious quantities of hair gel have gone into extending his forehead to that length.

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This has to be one of my favourite Shit Lookalikes for a while, so many thanks to Dave Harris (who edits his own fine Fulham blog, The Hammy End Chronicle) for sending it in. For younger readers, DeBarge is an RnB singer who was big in the 80s. If DeBarge played football, he’d also be a shoo-in for his own Horror Hair entry.

aaa76550779.jpgLaughing at Germans has always been fun. With their love of the sausage, massive moustaches, and fondness of invading France, they’re not only easy targets, they haven’t a clue at why you’re chortling at them due to the fact most German’s lack laughing genes. Which is why we took such pride in poking gentle fun at their lady football star’s terrible mullet earlier in the week. As our sides reached splitting point looking at her gingery Barnet, we started getting comments. Apparently England’s very own Sue Smith has worse hair. A few phone calls and a google search confirmed this. Not only is it a bleached mullet. She’s tried to squeeze it into bunches. There’s litterally three hairstyles happening at once here. None of them good…

aaaaa76630948.jpgJust because you’re a talented female footballer, and the Women’s World Cup is currently rocking China, doesn’t mean you escape the clutches of Who Ate All The Pies Horror Hair shaming.
Look at the state of the mullet of Germany star Melanie Behringer. At a guess we’d rate it at 15% ginger, but all of it is ill advised. Could this be the worst hair cut in female football? Let us know if you’ve seen a bigger shocker…

beard5.jpg Call this a little fluff piece, but has everyone seen Alan Hansen’s foray into facial hair on last weekend’s Match of the Day?

Horror Hair: Dean Ashton

September 4th, 2007

dean%20ashton%20horror%20hair.jpgLast time we saw Dean Ashton he was going bald gracefully, but things change. He has returned from his long injury lay-off with this bleached blond barnet (because a healthy dose of peroxide was just what his dying hairs needed). All of this means the West Ham striker has been left looking like a born-again monk who gave up his life on the early 1990s rave scene to spend his days in the monastery.

Horror Hair: Jose Mourinho

September 3rd, 2007

76476527.jpgWhen he arrived, Jose Mourinho was seen as the king of Continental cool – the sharp suits, trademark Armani overcoat, and perfectly coiffured hair all made him look more like a matinee idols than a Premier League manager.