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Horror Hair

Horror Hair: Every so often a hairstyle comes along that is worthy of note and/or scorn. Mostly scorn. This way for a comprehensive run-down of the most baffling follicular arrangements ever attempted by professional footballers.

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Whilst watching Match Of The Day at the weekend, I was shocked at how football is able to still surprise after all these years. I’m not talking about the match between Pompey and Reading that finished 34 – 12, but rather, the horrific thatch sat atop Peter Walton’s cranium. Refereeing the Blackburn/Sunderland match, Walton’s wild receder left me completely distracted from the action. Great stuff… if horrendous…

stefan%20wessels.jpgEverton keeper Stefan Wessels finished last night’s Carling Cup victory over Sheffield Wednesday looking like a cross between Bjorn Borg and Mr Bump after a collision with former Toffee Francis Jeffers.

ronaldo%20pro%20evo.JPGCristiano Ronaldo is the face Pro Evo 2008 (due out next month), but we are more interested in his hair than his face. To be fair, that is exactly where your eyes will be drawn when you look at the picture on the game’s box. His perfectly sculpted quiff defies gravity. Whether he fancies David Beckham’s old Brylcreem contract we don’t know, but some serious quantities of hair gel have gone into extending his forehead to that length.

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This has to be one of my favourite Shit Lookalikes for a while, so many thanks to Dave Harris (who edits his own fine Fulham blog, The Hammy End Chronicle) for sending it in. For younger readers, DeBarge is an RnB singer who was big in the 80s. If DeBarge played football, he’d also be a shoo-in for his own Horror Hair entry.

aaa76550779.jpgLaughing at Germans has always been fun. With their love of the sausage, massive moustaches, and fondness of invading France, they’re not only easy targets, they haven’t a clue at why you’re chortling at them due to the fact most German’s lack laughing genes. Which is why we took such pride in poking gentle fun at their lady football star’s terrible mullet earlier in the week. As our sides reached splitting point looking at her gingery Barnet, we started getting comments. Apparently England’s very own Sue Smith has worse hair. A few phone calls and a google search confirmed this. Not only is it a bleached mullet. She’s tried to squeeze it into bunches. There’s litterally three hairstyles happening at once here. None of them good…

aaaaa76630948.jpgJust because you’re a talented female footballer, and the Women’s World Cup is currently rocking China, doesn’t mean you escape the clutches of Who Ate All The Pies Horror Hair shaming.
Look at the state of the mullet of Germany star Melanie Behringer. At a guess we’d rate it at 15% ginger, but all of it is ill advised. Could this be the worst hair cut in female football? Let us know if you’ve seen a bigger shocker…

beard5.jpg Call this a little fluff piece, but has everyone seen Alan Hansen’s foray into facial hair on last weekend’s Match of the Day?

Horror Hair: Dean Ashton

September 4th, 2007

dean%20ashton%20horror%20hair.jpgLast time we saw Dean Ashton he was going bald gracefully, but things change. He has returned from his long injury lay-off with this bleached blond barnet (because a healthy dose of peroxide was just what his dying hairs needed). All of this means the West Ham striker has been left looking like a born-again monk who gave up his life on the early 1990s rave scene to spend his days in the monastery.

Horror Hair: Jose Mourinho

September 3rd, 2007

76476527.jpgWhen he arrived, Jose Mourinho was seen as the king of Continental cool – the sharp suits, trademark Armani overcoat, and perfectly coiffured hair all made him look more like a matinee idols than a Premier League manager.

Paul%20Scharner%20Horror%20Hair.jpgWigan’s Austrian man might have been on the scoresheet against West Ham at the weekend, but his barnet is definitely off target. Pretty much anything you could want to be wrong with his hair is incorporated into this look. The fluffiness of the mohican gives a hint of baby duckling chic. The shaved section of the hair reveals a worryingly bumpy head. The mohawk thins towards the crown and – to top it all – has a ginger tinge. Good work, Paul.

Horror Hair: Joachim Loew

August 21st, 2007

loew.jpgLast summer I very cruelly mocked up Joachim Loew’s face on a box of Just For Men. A year down the line and the Germany boss does now have a few grey hairs sneaking through. The barnet remains equally as dodgy though. His thick mop-mit-side-parting is Paul McCartney-meets-Lawrie Sanchez-meets-emo-kid.

Horror Hair: Garry O’Connor

August 16th, 2007

o%27connor%20hair.jpgBirmingham City’s Garry O’Connor is getting all geographical with his disastrous barnet. On top he has been building mountains, but down below there are waves. O’Connor was born in Edinburgh, which also happens to be the hometown of the Bay City Rollers. Coincidence? We think not. Could we be on the verge of a mullet revival? Let’s hope so, Horror Hair fans!

Horror Hair: Andriy Voronin

August 14th, 2007

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Is it a My Little Pony? Is it Emmanuel Petit’s greasy brother? Is it Fabien Barthez in a wig? No, it’s Liverpool’s summer signing Andriy Voronin. The Ukrainian first came onto our Horror Hair radar when we picked up reports of a ponytail thrashing around pitches in Germany during the 2006 World Cup. And here he is in the Premier League and, indeed at Anfield, the rightful home of Horror Hair.
(Photo by MN Chan/Getty Images)

Juan%20Toja.JPGAh, the Latin American mullet – a Pies favourite. Some of the finest exponents include Luis Gonzalez and Marco Etcheverry. Keeping this classic Horror Hair look alive is FC Dallas midfielder Juan Carlos Toja. The 22-year-old Colombian claims his barnet is in homage to Doors singer Jim Morrison. We don’t see it ourselves, but if it makes him happy…

Domenechtash.jpgAs Raymond Domenech has been mouthing off today, Pies thought it was worth remembering the days when he didn’t have a mouth. Here is the France boss showing that, before his time as a Paul O’Grady-alike, he was in fact a proto-Graeme Souness. But look at the thickness of that ‘tache! It looks like his balancing a small rodent on his top lip.

Horror Hair: Bakary Sagna

July 12th, 2007

Sagna%20hair.JPGNew Arsenal signing Bakary Sagna will certainly light up the Premiership with his peroxide barnet, even if we do have to wait until the Eboue is away at the African Nations Cup to get a proper look at him. Looking like the lovechild of Taribo West and a Backstreet Boy, Sagna is the latest in a series of black footballers who seem to believe that Premiership managers prefer blonds. Someone ought to tell him he needs his roots doing though!

Kaboul.JPGFresh Horror Hair talent arrived in the Premiership today as Spurs wrapped up the signing of French under-21 captain Younes Kaboul. The £8 million-rated centre back seems to be going for some sort of thatched cottage effect. Pies is not sure what the sticky stuff holding his hair in place is, but there is every chance it originated from Martin Jol if the spherical Dutchman’s gushing quotes are anything to go by. He said: “If you ask people in France who is seen as the hottest prospect in defence they will say Younes Kaboul. It’s important to have quality players in defence and with him, we have that.”

Horror Hair: Cesc Fabregas

June 22nd, 2007

Fabregas.JPGWell, well, well. What have we here? Cesc Fabregas – who has played it safe since finding the limelight with his short dark hair and quiff – a Horror Hair candidate. Who would have thought it? And yet here is the young Spaniard sporting a truly horrific mullet at the start of the 2004-05 season. It just goes to show, there is Horror Hair potential within all footballers. Hopefully we’ll have lots of new Horror Hair to report on when the players return from their summer jollies sporting the latest style!

mostovoi_m.jpgFollowing the Great Alexander Mostovoi Search © last week, Pies came across this tremendous Horror Hair effort from Mostovoi during his Soviet Union days. We are not sure whether Queen were big in the USSR, but there is more than a hint of Freddie Mercury about the young Mostovoi’s appearance. You also sense that he would like the hair to be more like Brian May if only he could get those curls.

Rodrigo%20Palacio.JPGOur latest Horror Hair candidate is Boca Juniors’ Rodrigo Palacio, as nominated by Pies reader David Keyes. We thought the rat-tail look had been once again confined to Horror Hair heaven following a brief outing by Sweden’s Christian Wilhelmsson at last summer’s World Cup.

Horror Hair: Andy Gray

June 4th, 2007

Andy%20Gray%20Horror%20Hair.JPGWhile Andy Gray is taking a slating in the red tops, it is worth considering that the bald Sky Sports pundit was once an excellent Horror Hair ambassador. It may be hard to imagine as the studio lights bounce of his shiny forehead, but Gray once sported this candy floss perm. I suspect the crazy blond barnet is hiding a multitude of sins and that the hairline was already receding at this stage.

Right, it’s time to settle it once and for all. Who is David Beckham’s best Shit Lookalike with his new barnet?

74348193.jpgYes, this shiny faced youth shares a name with Germany’s most famous ginger racketeer. Becker junior (he’s not related to Boris snr, as far as we know) is a defender, and currently on the books of FC Kaiserslautern.

chris%20blackburn.JPGGracing the Football League next year following Morecambe’s promotion is the greasy Horror Hair of defender Chris Blackburn. The Shrimps are in the League for the first time after beating Exeter in the Conference play-off at the weekend. And joining them in League Two next season will be Blackburn’s grunge-tastic locks.