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Horror Hair

Horror Hair: Every so often a hairstyle comes along that is worthy of note and/or scorn. Mostly scorn. This way for a comprehensive run-down of the most baffling follicular arrangements ever attempted by professional footballers.

Horror Hair: Joachim Loew

August 21st, 2007

loew.jpgLast summer I very cruelly mocked up Joachim Loew’s face on a box of Just For Men. A year down the line and the Germany boss does now have a few grey hairs sneaking through. The barnet remains equally as dodgy though. His thick mop-mit-side-parting is Paul McCartney-meets-Lawrie Sanchez-meets-emo-kid.

Horror Hair: Garry O’Connor

August 16th, 2007

o%27connor%20hair.jpgBirmingham City’s Garry O’Connor is getting all geographical with his disastrous barnet. On top he has been building mountains, but down below there are waves. O’Connor was born in Edinburgh, which also happens to be the hometown of the Bay City Rollers. Coincidence? We think not. Could we be on the verge of a mullet revival? Let’s hope so, Horror Hair fans!

Horror Hair: Andriy Voronin

August 14th, 2007

Voronin%20Hair.JPG
Is it a My Little Pony? Is it Emmanuel Petit’s greasy brother? Is it Fabien Barthez in a wig? No, it’s Liverpool’s summer signing Andriy Voronin. The Ukrainian first came onto our Horror Hair radar when we picked up reports of a ponytail thrashing around pitches in Germany during the 2006 World Cup. And here he is in the Premier League and, indeed at Anfield, the rightful home of Horror Hair.
(Photo by MN Chan/Getty Images)

Juan%20Toja.JPGAh, the Latin American mullet – a Pies favourite. Some of the finest exponents include Luis Gonzalez and Marco Etcheverry. Keeping this classic Horror Hair look alive is FC Dallas midfielder Juan Carlos Toja. The 22-year-old Colombian claims his barnet is in homage to Doors singer Jim Morrison. We don’t see it ourselves, but if it makes him happy…

Domenechtash.jpgAs Raymond Domenech has been mouthing off today, Pies thought it was worth remembering the days when he didn’t have a mouth. Here is the France boss showing that, before his time as a Paul O’Grady-alike, he was in fact a proto-Graeme Souness. But look at the thickness of that ‘tache! It looks like his balancing a small rodent on his top lip.

Horror Hair: Bakary Sagna

July 12th, 2007

Sagna%20hair.JPGNew Arsenal signing Bakary Sagna will certainly light up the Premiership with his peroxide barnet, even if we do have to wait until the Eboue is away at the African Nations Cup to get a proper look at him. Looking like the lovechild of Taribo West and a Backstreet Boy, Sagna is the latest in a series of black footballers who seem to believe that Premiership managers prefer blonds. Someone ought to tell him he needs his roots doing though!

Kaboul.JPGFresh Horror Hair talent arrived in the Premiership today as Spurs wrapped up the signing of French under-21 captain Younes Kaboul. The £8 million-rated centre back seems to be going for some sort of thatched cottage effect. Pies is not sure what the sticky stuff holding his hair in place is, but there is every chance it originated from Martin Jol if the spherical Dutchman’s gushing quotes are anything to go by. He said: “If you ask people in France who is seen as the hottest prospect in defence they will say Younes Kaboul. It’s important to have quality players in defence and with him, we have that.”

Horror Hair: Cesc Fabregas

June 22nd, 2007

Fabregas.JPGWell, well, well. What have we here? Cesc Fabregas – who has played it safe since finding the limelight with his short dark hair and quiff – a Horror Hair candidate. Who would have thought it? And yet here is the young Spaniard sporting a truly horrific mullet at the start of the 2004-05 season. It just goes to show, there is Horror Hair potential within all footballers. Hopefully we’ll have lots of new Horror Hair to report on when the players return from their summer jollies sporting the latest style!

mostovoi_m.jpgFollowing the Great Alexander Mostovoi Search © last week, Pies came across this tremendous Horror Hair effort from Mostovoi during his Soviet Union days. We are not sure whether Queen were big in the USSR, but there is more than a hint of Freddie Mercury about the young Mostovoi’s appearance. You also sense that he would like the hair to be more like Brian May if only he could get those curls.

Rodrigo%20Palacio.JPGOur latest Horror Hair candidate is Boca Juniors’ Rodrigo Palacio, as nominated by Pies reader David Keyes. We thought the rat-tail look had been once again confined to Horror Hair heaven following a brief outing by Sweden’s Christian Wilhelmsson at last summer’s World Cup.

Horror Hair: Andy Gray

June 4th, 2007

Andy%20Gray%20Horror%20Hair.JPGWhile Andy Gray is taking a slating in the red tops, it is worth considering that the bald Sky Sports pundit was once an excellent Horror Hair ambassador. It may be hard to imagine as the studio lights bounce of his shiny forehead, but Gray once sported this candy floss perm. I suspect the crazy blond barnet is hiding a multitude of sins and that the hairline was already receding at this stage.

Right, it’s time to settle it once and for all. Who is David Beckham’s best Shit Lookalike with his new barnet?

74348193.jpgYes, this shiny faced youth shares a name with Germany’s most famous ginger racketeer. Becker junior (he’s not related to Boris snr, as far as we know) is a defender, and currently on the books of FC Kaiserslautern.

chris%20blackburn.JPGGracing the Football League next year following Morecambe’s promotion is the greasy Horror Hair of defender Chris Blackburn. The Shrimps are in the League for the first time after beating Exeter in the Conference play-off at the weekend. And joining them in League Two next season will be Blackburn’s grunge-tastic locks.

73639862.jpgI once shaved a line in one of my eyebrows. Don’t ask me why I did it – I was young and dumb. And yes, it made me look like an utter twat.

Horror Hair: Chris Eagles

May 10th, 2007

Eagles.JPGPies is always eager to see young up-and-coming Horror Hair candidates breaking into the first-team. Manchester United youngster Chris Eagles is an excellent example of this.

Although we love to slag him off for his vanity, Becks hasn’t had that many dreadful hair styles over the years. At least he has the option of a style – Pies is sadly afflicted with male pattern baldness and is in no position to pass judgment…

He’s got a pineapple on his head. Nottingham Forest striker Jason Lee and his pineapple haircut were the victims of endless ribbing from David Baddiel and Frank Skinner in the early 1990s.

Beckham.JPGAfter yesterday’s tribute to Horror Hair legend David James, it seems fitting that today another maestro of bad barnets should reveal his latest masterpiece.

In the week that Portsmouth keeper David James broke the record for the most number of Premiership clean sheets, Pies acknowledges one man’s outstanding contribution to the art of Horror Hair.
david%20james.JPG1 The Fun Boy Three
Despite this picture, Pies can confirm that James in fact spent the late 1980s and early 1990s as a Watford player and not as a member of Fun Boy Three.
Horror Hair-o-meter rating: 7 out of 10

Talking of big, tough centre backs with girlie hair, keep you eyes peeled for Sevilla’s Javi Navarro playing against Tottenham tonight. The Spanish side’s captain is hard as nails, yet there is more than a hint of Mexes about his choice of haircut. In the first leg, Navarro wore his hair in the sort of […]

There is something wrong, almost contradictory, about an uncompromising centre-back with a girl’s haircut. The surftastic barnet of Roma’s Philippe Mexes is no exception. The Frenchman’s normally assured performances (although he horrendously lacked any sort of assurance last night) and sunkissed highlights have earned him the nickname Laurent Blond. Anyway, as is his hair wasn’t […]

David Beckham collected an Outstanding Contribution to British Sport award (there is a message of hope to all Real Madrid benchwarmers) at the Sports Industry Awards 2007 last night sporting his new haircut. There is definitely a touch of the Tintins about his new strawberry blond short-back-and-sides-avec-quiff. No murmurs about them both having a faithful […]

Ralph Coates, formerly of Spurs and Leyton Orient was the king of the combover. He rivalled Bobby Charlton, not only in the barnet department, but also on the pitch. What this cracking goal he scored for the O’s and also, watch what happens when Mark Lawrenson is faced with a "good, honest, earthy shoulder charge…"