June 1994 Alexi Lalas shows off a hand-drawn gift received from a fan after the USA’s World Cup victory over Colombia at the Rose Bowl in Pasadena, California. The U.S. won the game 2-1. Photo Mike Powell /Allsport

Q. Does Abel Xavier’s hair get better with time?
A. No.
LA Galaxy’s other ex-Prem man turned up for pre-season training sporting what appears to be a conehead. There is also something distinctly Tina Turner about this look.

Check out some of the horrific coiffs on Italian journeyman defender Milanese, who played for QPR not so long ago. He prefers a variation on a single theme – and that theme is: ‘my hair is indisputedly shit’. Thanks to Zekky for the heads-up.

Herr Ballack (or should that be Herr Lip) donned this moustache for a Mercedes ad, in which he was cast in the role of intrepid adventurer. Not the first time that Germany’s captain has taken the corporate dollar. Watch the making of the Mercedes ad after the click…

Clash of the white afros alert! You just don’t see players with this much hair today, which is a shame – Rio Ferdinand sported the look in pre-season a couple of years ago, but he didn’t have the balls to keep it for the real season. Breitner (he’s the one with the scary wolfman beard) [...]

Jermain Defoe played in Tottenham’s Carling Cup semi-final against Arsenal last night sporting some kind of cranial G-string. Pies is not sure what is more shocking, the haircut or the fact that Defoe played a game. Dressing up as the planet Saturn is one way of attracting the attention of other clubs during the transfer window, I suppose.

Back in July we alerted you to the Latin American mullet of FC Dallas’s Juan Carlos Toja. The Colombian’s hair – his tribute to Doors singer Jim Morrison – is so popular with his team-mates that they all want to copy him. That is why the players made sure they had a Toja wig on hand while recording their player introductions for ESPN2!

This American youngster has been banned from playing for his high school football team for getting a mohawk haircut (and not a very good one). Apparently the soccer field is not the place for individuality.

Marvel at the versatility of David’s tresses. Via The Offside

What’s all this about then? It was one thing for Big Sam Allardyce to insist on playing a striker in midfield, but now he appears to have taken to playing a porcupine in midfield. Alan Smith has rekindled his love affair with peroxide. Unfortunately there wasn’t enough left in his last bottle to do a full head of hair.

Sporting Lisbon midfielder Miguel Veloso was one player especially hoping to catch Sir Alex Ferguson’s eye when he played against Manchester United last night, and he certainly picked a haircut to do just that. The 21-year-old holding player is reportedly a target for Fergie who wants to add him to the Old Trafford Portuguese contingent before next season.

Pies’ love of Horror Hair is well-documented, so what better for Santa to bring us than this cool t-shirt dedicated to some of the beautiful game’s most infamous barnets.

I though that Ronaldo was bald by default rather than choice, but that was before dude grew a ‘fro. It seems that the rotund one has hit the bottle and resorted to hair regrowth products.

We first noticed something different about Gallas’ bonce last week but couldn’t be sure. It’s not even conclusive in this picture but we think that the Frenchman has gone all punk with a mohican – is he trying to act the trendy dad to Arsenal’s young stars?

Two sets of ginger locks blowing in the breeze. Two pairs of ginger eyebrows and puffy eyes beneath them. One is Irish, the other is German. One plays in the red-and-white of Sunderland, the other played surrounded by the red-and-white of strawberries and cream!

Bolton midfielder Gavin McCann favours the balding badger look these days, so much so that he only just made it into the Horror Hair category and was almost a Shit Lookalike for Pepe Le Pew! He has always had a receding hairline, but it has now receded so far that it is practically in-growing. Against Middlesbrough yesterday, McCann was shamed into covering his hair in a bandage (OK, the clash of heads might have influenced his decision slightly).

A slight variation on our usual Horror hair theme but Dean Leacock’s ghetto fabulous attempt makes him look more like a boy ‘in a hood’ – we only hope that what’s underneath is even worse.

Spurs self-styled ‘Ghetto Kid’ made his debut at the weekend but had a bit of a stinker – not least for his Pepe Le Pew haircut.

The Dynamo Kiev defender has obviously attended the Didier Drogba school of style – step away from the straighteners!

When we gave Stephen Ireland our usual Horror Hair treatment last week we thought we were just indulging in a little harmless mickey-taking at the expense of a guy who had clearly had some sort of baldness treatment/hair transplant. When we linked the mystery of his reappearing hair to the mystery of his reappearing grandmothers it was purely in jest. However, it now seems that Ireland’s hair could be the real reason for his departure from the Republic of Ireland squad.

Congratulations to Stephen Ireland’s hairdresser who seems to have found a cure for baldness. Last season the Manchester City midfielder sported a hairline not to dissimilar to that of Monty Burns. And yet this season the occasional Republic of Ireland international has a fringe The Beatles would be proud of.

Meet Jo (full name: Joao Alves de Assis Silva), a Brazilian striker who plays for CSKA Moscow, sporting the ‘windswept crackhead’ look during a league game against FC Vladivostok at the weekend. Tame that hair Jo!

Roma’s uncompromising central defender trapped in the body of a beach bum, Philippe Mexes, has Horror Hair at the best of times. The Frenchman’s greasy, peroxide-tinted long locks have been featured on Pies before. But last night’s match against Manchester United revealed a cheeky little addition to his barnet, which pushes him further up the Horror Hair stakes: pig-tails. Yes, Philippe now has little tiny girls pig-tails.

Whilst watching Match Of The Day at the weekend, I was shocked at how football is able to still surprise after all these years. I’m not talking about the match between Pompey and Reading that finished 34 – 12, but rather, the horrific thatch sat atop Peter Walton’s cranium. Refereeing the Blackburn/Sunderland match, Walton’s wild receder left me completely distracted from the action. Great stuff… if horrendous…

Everton keeper Stefan Wessels finished last night’s Carling Cup victory over Sheffield Wednesday looking like a cross between Bjorn Borg and Mr Bump after a collision with former Toffee Francis Jeffers.