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Who ate all the pies

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Horror Hair

Horror Hair: Every so often a hairstyle comes along that is worthy of note and/or scorn. Mostly scorn. This way for a comprehensive run-down of the most baffling follicular arrangements ever attempted by professional footballers.

Remember when curtain hair was all the rage? It was the Premier League of all hairstyles. Pies travels back in time to that very era (let’s call it the Nineties), to enjoy some of the very best curtains ever seen (and not an undercut in sight). Enjoy… 1. David Seaman Look how attractive the curtains […]

Ah, you’re probably not looking at his hair though, are you? Becks’ hairdo here looks remarkably like one of David James’ previous efforts (no prizes for guessing which one). [Dave spotted in his pants @ Kickette] Bonus video Watch Beckham unveil his latest line of underwear…

Everton’s big hair bear won’t cut his locks Hair are your aerials. They pick up signals from the cosmos and transmit them directly into the brain As the photo on the right shows, Marouane Fellaini didn’t always have enormous hair - and look how much happier he looks with a big-ass Afro! Fellaini’s hair has become […]

This hairstyle was all the rage in 1975 A perfectly executed combover by the former Abedeen & Scotland forward. Got any Panini classics for Pies? We need them. Email me with the details.

Don’t stare at this photo for too long, it will damage your eyes Apparently, it was acceptable in Germany to look like this in the Eighties. Shocking stuff. Apart from an albino silverback gorilla, Kahn really reminds me of someone here, but I can’t think who. Any suggestions for Retro-Kahn lookalikes most welcome. More Horror […]

This made the news in Italy Milan’s Brazilian prodigy now has a Stephen Ireland-esque bonehead, thanks to the hairdressing skills of his girlfriend’s brother. According to the clip below, Pato says he’d wanted to shave his head for a while, even though his girlfriend, the exotically named Sthephany (correct spelling), didn’t like the idea. What, […]

Horror Hair: Glen Johnson

September 1st, 2008

The Palm Tree Afro


Perm + big nose = twins

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Horror Hair: Anderson

August 27th, 2008

Should have got a Brazilian


Peroxide Phil

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David James further secured his place in Horror Hair history by starting the new season with terrible chunky cornrows.

Fab Horror Hair stylings from the curly Argentine

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Coach judges dreads too distracting

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Has anyone seen this man’s hair? Seems like Stephen Ireland had enough of the wig jokes and decided to break out the clippers. Wise move.

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Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the Premier League the Horror Hair talents of Marvin Emnes. Middlesbrough’s new signing’s receding afro hairline is begging for a keep-it-simple grade one all over. But no, this 20-year-old isn’t going to bald himself before his time. He’s gone for the backcomb, displaying his copious forehead in all its splendour. Fair play to you, lad.

Jens in danger of picking up Curly Monk nickname

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The teeny-bopper centre-back look

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All for one and one for Ballack


Dutch coach looks mean, talks a language we don’t understand… Van Basten has gone into “boot camp marine” mode, but he still talks in a charming whisper – he’s clearly going for the “speak softly, carry big stick” approach to football management. If only we could understand what he’s saying. Any Pies readers speak Dutch […]

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“Hey, Cristiano, like my new moustache.”
“What new moustache?”
“The one on my top lip. Look closer.”

Not a good look for the Italian midfield terrier There’s nothing like a girly headband for diminishing a player’s hardman status.

The name says Pig farmer, but the hair says skunk-a-like

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Austria didn’t qualify for the 2002 World Cup, which meant Ronald Gercaliu wouldn’t have got his chance to show off his mohican when everyone else was doing it (overlooking the fact that he was still at school in 2002!). So while Becks and co. have moved on, young Ronald wasn’t going to let his time in a major international tournament pass without showing off his own daft hairdo. He has also dyed his longer strip of hair strawberry blond for good measure.

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There could be fresh Horror Hair talent on the way to the Premier League in the shape of Sporting Lisbon midfielder Miguel Veloso. The Manchester United, and now Bolton target has a proven track record of bad barnets. The Portuguese international used to favour the scraped back greasy ponytail look, but his current offering is just as bad. Like a hedgehog with a mullet.