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Who ate all the pies

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Horror Hair

Horror Hair: Every so often a hairstyle comes along that is worthy of note and/or scorn. Mostly scorn. This way for a comprehensive run-down of the most baffling follicular arrangements ever attempted by professional footballers.

Has anyone seen this man’s hair? Seems like Stephen Ireland had enough of the wig jokes and decided to break out the clippers. Wise move.

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Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the Premier League the Horror Hair talents of Marvin Emnes. Middlesbrough’s new signing’s receding afro hairline is begging for a keep-it-simple grade one all over. But no, this 20-year-old isn’t going to bald himself before his time. He’s gone for the backcomb, displaying his copious forehead in all its splendour. Fair play to you, lad.

Jens in danger of picking up Curly Monk nickname

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The teeny-bopper centre-back look

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All for one and one for Ballack

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Dutch coach looks mean, talks a language we don’t understand… Van Basten has gone into “boot camp marine” mode, but he still talks in a charming whisper – he’s clearly going for the “speak softly, carry big stick” approach to football management. If only we could understand what he’s saying. Any Pies readers speak Dutch […]

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“Hey, Cristiano, like my new moustache.”
“What new moustache?”
“The one on my top lip. Look closer.”

Not a good look for the Italian midfield terrier There’s nothing like a girly headband for diminishing a player’s hardman status.

The name says Pig farmer, but the hair says skunk-a-like

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Austria didn’t qualify for the 2002 World Cup, which meant Ronald Gercaliu wouldn’t have got his chance to show off his mohican when everyone else was doing it (overlooking the fact that he was still at school in 2002!). So while Becks and co. have moved on, young Ronald wasn’t going to let his time in a major international tournament pass without showing off his own daft hairdo. He has also dyed his longer strip of hair strawberry blond for good measure.

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There could be fresh Horror Hair talent on the way to the Premier League in the shape of Sporting Lisbon midfielder Miguel Veloso. The Manchester United, and now Bolton target has a proven track record of bad barnets. The Portuguese international used to favour the scraped back greasy ponytail look, but his current offering is just as bad. Like a hedgehog with a mullet.

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As Ryan Giggs comes to terms with becoming a double European Cup winner and holder of Manchester United’s record for most appearances we celebrate some classic Horror Hair from the Welsh wizard. Lest we forget, this was the era of the Fresh Prince and Jazzy Jeff (tick, tick, tick, tick, BOOM!) and Giggs has cannily incorporated his wavy locks into this Will Smith-style flat top. A stroke of Horror Hair genius.

If the cap Vids

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It seems Manchester United star Cristiano Ronaldo was the victim of a practical joke at the weekend. While the 40 goals a season winger was supposed to be conducting an interview with Match of the Day, some prankster had obviously misled C-Ron into believing he was attending an audition for a New Kids On The Block tribute band. Our money is on Rio Ferdinand being the culprit – the boy’s got form. Keep Hangin’ Tough, C-Ron. Chav-tastic!

This must be one of the worst looks we’ve seen Beckham rock, ever. He has more hair on his face than on his head, lending him a macho, “big gay bear” look that is a million miles away from his usual metrosexual image. At least things are looking up for the LA Galaxy, who thrashed […]

A lookalikes/horror hair 2-for-1 mega deal, starring Cristiano Ronaldo and a crime-fighting robot Manga boy. As suggested by Pies reader Stacy S – thanks Stacy, a fine example of the genre. More shit lookalikes

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While you would normally expect teenage boys to copy the style of their Premier League heroes, in a strange role reversal Liverpool’s John Arne Riise seems to have taken inspiration for his new barnet from a kid on a rough Merseyside estate. The Norwegian’s sun-kissed new look is what top salon stylists might call The Ginger Badger look.

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Some excellent Horror Hair potential in the first leg of the FA Youth Cup final last night. Chelsea youngster Miroslav Stoch presumably went into his barber and asked for a long back and short sides. His nouveau mullet puts ‘Nando Torres’ to shame. The 18-year-old Slovakian is rumoured to be on the verge of a first-team appearance.

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The young Dinamo Tblisi and Georgia keeper wears his hair tall and proud (even when conceding four goals against Northern Ireland). The tight, wiry curls really set off that Screech from Saved By The Bell chic look.

Pies celebrates a team made up of Premier League carrot tops (with a dubious guest appearance from David James!).
David James

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These pictures show Paul Scholes and David Beckham in (left to right) 1998, 2000, 2002, 2004, 2006 and 2008. While Becks changes his hair as often as he changes his designer socks, modest professional Paul Scholes has stuck with the same combed forward ginger hair for the past decade (and probably longer than that). Unless… wait a cotton pickin’ minute – is that an application of hair gel on Mr Scholes’ 2006 photograph? That flash so and so…

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Colorado Rapids goalkeeper Justin Hughes has truly terrible hair. He looks like a poodle in a headband. Looking at Hughes’ curly barnet for too long might also make you want to start humming the theme tune to Jonathan Creek!

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Arsenal striker Emmanuel Adebayor has been branded Samson by The Sun because he has lost his goalscoring powers since having his haircut. The Togolese forward ditched his trademark beaded hairstyle last month and has not scored a Premier League goal.

Horror Hair – Glen Johnson

March 11th, 2008
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The Horror Hair afro is back, folks! Emmanuel Adebayor was featured on Pies a couple of weeks ago, and now we are showcasing the beautifully burgeoning afro of Portsmouth’s Glen Johnson.