By Chris Wright

Given the furore at Leeds yesterday, we thought it would be fairly timely to put together Pies’ pick of the ten English-based football managers that, for one reason or another, are almost impossible to foster a begrudging respect for – let alone take to your heart…

This is, quite honestly, the most exciting photo of Bryan Robson I could find

10. Bryan Robson: Yes, Captain Monotone was a great player in his day. He got Boro promoted way back when and his Houdini act with West Brom on the final day of the 2004/05 season is a thing to be cherished but, still, a ’Robson linked with _____ job’ headline is guaranteed to strike an all-encompassing sense of ‘meh’ into the heart of any discerning football fan. The names ‘Curbishley’, ‘O’Leary’ and ‘Ince’ also have noticeably similar effects.

The kind of face only a mother with severe glaucoma and two eye-patches could love

9. Steve Evans, Crawley Town: The scourge of the lower and non-leagues, chiefly due to his successful prosecution for ‘creative accounting’ while manager at Boston United, the fact that he’s employed at the helm of the richest club in the lower echelons of the English football pyramid, his endless barracking of officials and his incorrigible knack of being completely unable to accept defeat with any semblance of grace.

Kean, seen here being interviewed by a giant…again

8. Steve Kean, Blackburn: Bless him. All snivelly and small.

“Give us a smile Roy! Blimey, on second thoughts…”

7. Roy Keane: A walking, talking skulking morale vacuum that got incredibly lucky at Sunderland all those years ago and has been trading off that instant success (as far as his managerial career is concerned) ever since. His teams seem to implode as a result of having the lifeblood glared out of them all day every day. Can you just imagine how utterly joyless it must be to play under him?

“How’s your wife Roberto? Tell her that Phil says ‘Hi’ won’t you?”

6. Phil Brown: The kind of guy that should be head of a ISP call-centre somewhere. Well versed in obtuse, meaningless business jargon with creosote-coloured fake tan on the collar of all his pale pink short-sleeved shirts, several of his employees’ wives’ DNA smeared across the steering wheel of his second-hand silver BMW M3 and, crucially, oblivious to his own meagre worth.

Eck catches wind of one of Emile’s nervous farts

5. Alex McLeish, Aston Villa: There’s only so much enjoyment you can get out of a plate of slightly ‘off’ breaded ham, i.e, none. The appointment of Big Eck signals but one thing in a fan’s mind; the club’s football is about to become about as sexy as an Ann Widdecombe/Sir Patrick Moore/Sarah Jessica Parker ménage à trois.

Seconds later, the cake was gone – candles ‘n’ all

4. Sam Allardyce, West Ham: See No.6, but factor in an a spittle-flecked double chin and an omnipresent cloud of nauseating body odour.

Harry spends the day at his second home

3. Harry Redknapp, Tottenham: Sweet Jesus, where to start? Put it this way; if he gets the England job, I’m officially handing in my passport and going to live among the finches on the Galapagos Islands.

“Only number f**king two? You must be f**king JOKING referee!”

2. Neil Warnock: Has dedicated his entire career to rupturing the eardrums of fourth-officials, assistants, referees, opposition players and anyone within a five-metre radius with his immensely hypocritical and one-eyed yodelling. Recently his prickly post-match demeanour has taken on a strange ‘passive aggressive’ bent (calling the referees by their full name is particularly unsettling) which somehow makes him seem even more venomous than usual. The worst bit? He doesn’t care one jot what you think about him. Which makes him all the more infuriating.

Note to self: Piss off absolutely everybody, refuse to take the blame

1. Gary Megson, Sheffield Wednesday: Being a Forest fan and seeing the club tainted by his appointment a few years back may have biased this appraisal, but Megson is a quiet, squirming, blame-resistant slug of a manager, content to subscribe to baseless conspiracies and paranoid delusions rather than turn the fickle finger upon himself. What’s more, he ain’t half dismal in conversation. His voice sounds like a duck farting in thick fog. My brain aches.

Any suckers we’ve missed? You know the drill…

                          

By Chris Wright

‘Twas a bit of a slow one yesterday as anyone who spent 11-and-a-bit hours ‘glued’ to the live feed will tell you, with the total spending across the English leagues failing to surpass the £50 million that Chelsea spaffed on Fernando Torres this time last year – let alone the ludicrous £225 million that was spent in total in January of 2011.

There’s not an awful lot to go at vis-a-vis blockbuster moves, but we thought we’d give all of yesterday’s transfer comings and goings the once over – starting with the five best deals to go through in our eyes…

5. Curtis Obeng, Wrexham to Swansea, undisclosed: We’ve heard good things about 22-year old, Man City academy graduate full-back Obeng though, granted, we’ve never actually seen him play. Non-league to the top flight is an awfully large jump, but put it this way, we’ve ‘earmarked’ young Curtis. One to watch.

4. Sotoris Krygiakos, Wolfsburg to Sunderland, loan: A grizzled, hard-working centre-back that provides a very real threat from set-pieces, playing in a side with Seb Larsson on deadball duties? What’s not to like? Sure to become a fans’ favourite, just as he did at Liverpool.

3. Seb Bassong, Tottenham to Wolves, loan: While he isn’t the man to keep Wolves in the Premier League, Bassong is an adept centre-half desperate to prove his worth. You get the feeling that he could’ve joined a much better-placed side either here or abroad, so it stands to reason that Wolves have pulled off a bit of a coup here.

2. Nikica Jelavic, Rangers to Everton, £5.5 million: I still have my reservations over Jelavic in so far as was ‘free-scoring’…but in the SPL (that added caveat is a bitch) but signing a confident, in-form striker in January is just what Everton needed to do and seeing as though they’ve basically just reinvested the £5 million they recouped for Diniyar Bilyaletdinov – a disenfranchised bench-warmer at best – it’s not a bad little ‘swap’. Getting Steven Pienaar back on loan wasn’t bad business either!

1. Bobby Zamora/Djibril Cisse, Fulham/Lazio to QPR, £8 million: Mark Hughes has gone out and pinched himself a brand-new, Premier League-standard ‘big man, little man’ strike force that is almost certain to work. With Zamora holding and linking and Cisse legging it around like a scalded cock, I foresee goals – important goals. Poor old Heidar Helguson, eh?

And the five worst…

5. Louis Saha, Everton to Tottenham, loan: “If he can keep himself fit…yadda, yadda, yadda…”. History tells us repeatedly that he can’t.

4. Pavel Pogrebnyak, Stuttgart to Fulham, £3 million: Apparently the Russian striker has been told he’ll have to ”bulk up like a beast” by Martin Jol if he’s going to get on in England. Bearing in mind Pog’s reported to have only joined Fulham on an initial six-month contract, how long will that take precisely?

3. Ravel Morrison, Manchester United to West Ham, £600,000: The English Taarabt, i.e, an imploding star waiting to happen at a club where he’ll be surrounded by leeches as soon as you like. In short, if he was going to straighten himself out anywhere, it would’ve been United. As someone (apologies, I don’t remember who it was) put it on Twitter yesterday: “Morrison? Walking around East London? With money in his pocket? What could possibly go wrong?”. A small-scale Apocalypse, that’s what could go wrong.

2. David Pizarro, Roma to Manchester City, loan: I could’ve got excited about Pizarro coming to the Premier League a few years ago. A wily, deep-lying playmaker with an eye for the magnificent – but he wasn’t getting in Luis Enrique’s Roma side for a reason: He’s almost completely immobile these days. We predict a couple of run-outs in the Europa League before he toddles back to Italy in the summer.

1. Wayne Bridge, Manchester City to Sunderland, loan: Pray tell, when is spending any money on former footballer Wayne Bridge ever a good idea?

* * * * *

Any other transfers catch you’re eye yesterday for one reason or another? Here’s the full deadline day list (blatantly copy-and-pasted from the BBC) for you to peruse to your heart’s content…

Nicky Ajose  [Peterborough - Chesterfield] Loan
Keith Andrews   [Blackburn - West Brom] Free
Kwesi Appiah  [Margate - Crystal Palace] Undisclosed
Patrick Bamford  [Nottingham Forest - Chelsea] £1.5 million
Sebastien Bassong  [Tottenham - Wolves] Loan
Ryan Bennett [Peterborough - Norwich] Undisclosed
Wayne Bridge  [Man City - Sunderland] Loan
Kevin de Bruyne  [Genk - Chelsea] £6.7 million
Clarke Carlisle  [Burnley - Northampton] Loan
Michael Chambers  [Dulwich Hamlet - Crystal Palace] Undisclosed
Djibril Cisse   [Lazio - QPR] £4 million
Jorge Claros [Motagua - Hibernian] Loan
Billy Clarke  [Blackpool - Crawley] Undisclosed
Matthew Connolly  [QPR - Reading] Loan
Vedran Corluka  [Tottenham - Bayer Leverkusen] Loan
Lee Cox  [Inverness - Swindon] Undisclosed
Graham Cummins  [Cork - Preston] Undisclosed
Stephen Dawson  [Leyton Orient - Barnsley] Undisclosed
Matt Doherty [Wolves - Hibernian] Loan
Robbie Gibbons  [Unattached - Scunthorpe]
Ben Harding  [Wycombe - Northampton] Free
Karl Hawley   [Notts County - Crawley] Loan
Martin Hansen [Liverpool - Viborg FF] Undisclosed
Danny Higginbotham   [Stoke City - Nottingham Forest] Loan
Kallum Higginbotham   [Falkirk - Huddersfield] Undisclosed
Will Hoskins  [Brighton - Sheffield United] Loan
Gonzalo Jara Reyes   [West Brom - Brighton] Loan
Nikica Jelavic  [Rangers - Everton] Undisclosed
Andy Keogh  [Wolves - Millwall] Undisclosed
Neal Kitson   [Rochester Rhinos - Northampton] Free
Pa Saikou Kujabi [unattached - Hibernian]
Sotirios Kyrgiakos  [Wolfsburg - Sunderland] Loan
Alex MacDonald  [Burnley - Plymouth] Loan
Ben Marshall  [Stoke - Leicester] Undisclosed
Joe Mattock   [West Brom - Brighton] Loan
Nicky Maynard   [Bristol City - West Ham] Undisclosed
Paul McCallum   [West Ham - Rochdale] Loan
Donal McDermott  [Huddersfield - Bournemouth] Undisclosed
Jordan McMillan [Rangers - Dunfermline] Undisclosed
Anthony McNamee  [MK Dons - Wycombe] Free
David Mirfin   [Watford - Scunthorpe] Loan
Ryo Miyaichi  [Arsenal - Bolton] Loan
Ravel Morrison  [Manchester United - West Ham] Undisclosed
Oliver Norwood  [Manchester United - Coventry] Loan
Curtis Obeng   [Wrexham - Swansea] Undisclosed
Luke O’Brien  [Bradford - Exeter] Undisclosed
Roy O’Donovan [Coventry City - Hibernian] Loan
Marcus Olsson  [Halmstads - Blackburn] Free
Bradley Orr  [QPR - Blackburn] Undisclosed
Jon Parkin  [Cardiff - Scunthorpe] Loan
Jim Paterson  [Unattached - Bristol Rovers]
Steven Pienaar [Tottenham - Everton] Loan
David Pizarro   [Roma - Manchester City] Loan
Pavel Pogrebnyak  [Stuttgart - Fulham] Undisclosed
John Potter [Dunfermline - Queen of the South] Loan
Scott Rendell  [Wycombe - Oxford] Loan
Liam Ridgewell  [Birmingham - West Brom] Undisclosed
Fabien Robert  [FC Lorient - Doncaster] Loan
Chris Robertson  [Torquay - Preston] Undisclosed
Louis Saha   [Everton - Tottenham] Free
Paul Slane  [Celtic - MK Dons] Loan
Louis Saha [Everton - Tottenham] Free
Adam Smith  [Tottenham - Leeds] Loan
Akpo Sodje [Hibernian - released]
Marvin Sordell [Watford - Bolton] Undisclosed
Michael Symes   [Bournemouth - Rochdale] Loan
James Tavernier  [Newcastle - MK Dons] Loan
Juvhel Tsoumou  [Preston - Plymouth] Loan
Daniel Uchechi [Dender - Aberdeen] Free
Ricardo Vaz Te  [Barnsley - West Ham] Undisclosed
Frederic Veseli  [Manchester City - Manchester United] Undisclosed
Murray Wallace  [Falkirk - Huddersfield] £300,000
Murray Wallace  [Huddersfield - Falkirk] Loan
Matty Whichelow  [Watford - Wycombe] Loan
Ryan Williams  [Portsmouth - Fulham] Undisclosed
Lewis Wilson   [Newport Pagnell Town - Northampton] Free
Mark Wilson  [Doncaster - Oxford] Free
Scott Wootton  [Manchester United - Nottingham Forest] Loan
Bobby Zamora  [Fulham - QPR] Undisclosed

                          

By Chris Wright

Eng-lish Pre·mi·um/ing’liSH ˈprēmēəm/Noun: An amount to be paid on top of any given football transfer fee to recognise the paltry significance of said footballer hailing from these sceptred isles and will hopefully therefore play with ‘bags of passion’, etc…

In no particular order, a ten-some of English footballers that, through no fault of their own, have suffered at the hands of the cursed ‘English Premium’ transfer fee…

Connor Wickham: £8.1 million (potentially rising to £12 million), Ipswich to Sunderland, 2010: Granted, the first pick is a little specious as Wickham is still only 18-years old and a fair old distance from being the finished article. That said, after seeing him play a couple of times for both Ipswich and Sunderland and, barring that goal against Sheffield United, I just cannot see for the life of me what all the fuss is supposed to be about.

Wickham just looks very ‘meat and potatoes’ to mine eye, a money pit waiting to happen – though, of course, I’d be more than happy to be proved wrong.

Seth Johnson: £7 million, Derby to Leeds, 2001: As you can probably fathom from the fee involved, Johnson moved to Elland Road during that heady period in Leeds’ history that almost no-one refers to as the club’s ‘willy-nilly’ years.

The story goes that, after agreeing with his agent beforehand to accept nothing less than £13,000-a-week during contract negotiations with Peter Ridsdale, the pair gasped in tandem when the Leeds chairman offered Johnson a whopping £30,000-a-week. Ridsdale took this as a sign that his opening offer had been far too low and slung another few thousand on top. One imagines the contract was hurriedly signed shortly thereafter.

A hard-working-bordering-on-bog-standard English clatter-merchant if ever there was, Johnson played a little over 50 times for Leeds in four years (largely due to injuries) before returning to Derby where he suffered a career-ending knee knack in the 2007 Play-Off Final at Wembley.

Carl Cort: £7 million, Wimbledon to Newcastle, 2000: A yomping centre-forward who wreaked havoc up top for Wimbledon in his early days, it’s fair to say that Sir Bobby Robson fluffed a relative fortune on Cort – who made next to no impact at Newcastle due to a string of debilitating injury problems and a crippling lack of consistency.

Moved to Wolves in 2004 after making 22 league starts in four years at St James’ Park and enjoyed moderate success in the Old Gold.

Kevin Davies: £7.25 million, Southampton to Blackburn, 1998: After making a name for himself during Chesterfield’s incredible run to the FA Cup semi-finals the year previous, Davies moved to Southampton for £750,000 and continued to turn heads as he blustered through centre-backs hither and thither.

The very next summer, Blackburn hastily threw shed-loads of cash at the Saints for a 21-year-old, largely-unproven target man and got sod all out of him – one league goal in nearly 30 appearances to be precise. Davies burgeoning reputation was shot in the space of a season and to make matters all the worse, Rovers were also relegated.

Davies moved back to Southampton for a few years, where he found himself continuously in and – to a much more frequent degree – out of the side before eventually jumping ship to Bolton where, belatedly, he finally got his act together.

David Bentley: £15 million, Blackburn to Tottenham, 2008: Bentley was integral at Blackburn for a couple of glorious years, whipping in endless ream of sumptuous crosses in for Roque Santa Cruz from the right flank and, at one point, looked like the natural successor to David Beckham in the England set-up.

Moved onwards and upwards to Spurs for far too much, found himself knocked down the pecking order almost immediately by the emerging Aaron Lennon and, consumed by his own ego, hung around for far too long as his career lost all momentum. Now a spent force and, amazingly, still on Tottenham’s books.

Andy Johnson: £10.5 million, Everton to Fulham, 2008: A transfer fee that’s only really applicable if you happen to value winning penalties ad infinitum above any other aspect of a professional footballer’s skill set. Johnson’s a perfectly serviceable striker, capable of odd flashes of exceptional technique, but he’s never been able to live up to the mantle of being Fulham’s joint second-most expensive signing of all time.

(There’s two points available if you can the name the chap at the top of the list?)

Francis Jeffers: £8 million, Everton to Arsenal, 2001: Made a fine old start to his career after coming through the youth ranks at Everton, poaching a fair few goals over a couple of seasons before getting all uppity, demanding a pay-rise and subsequently finding himself frozen out of the side by then-manager Walter Smith.

Arsene Wenger, famously sounding out a ‘fox in the box’ to put the finishing touch on his side’s fancy approach play, spaffed a King’s ransom on Jeffers who, along with looking like that ankle-tagged 16-year old father-of-four from the council estate, actually played like him as well.

After three almost entirely void years at Arsenal (including a goalless season-long loan return to Goodison) Jeffers became the butt of the joke and his stock plummeted. Indeed, he was last seen struggling to convince Australian A-League side Newcastle United Jets that he was worthy of a flutter.

(Franny Trivia: Jeffers is one of two men to have a 100% goal-to-game ratio for the England national side, the other being David Nugent. Both players scored on their debuts, never to play again.)

Steve Daley: £1.74 million, Wolves to Man City, 1979: City made Daley the most expensive British player to date when they nigh-on trebled the transfer record to sign midfielder Daley from Molineux. The fact that the deal is almost unilaterally referred to as “the biggest waste of money in football history” to this day by those who concern themselves with that kind of thing should tell you all you need to know.

Emile Heskey: £11 million, Leicester to Liverpool, 2000: Often derided as a Liverpool flop after Gerard Houllier broke the club’s transfer record t0 lift him from Leicester all those years ago – the fact remains that his goal-per-game ratio at Anfield is slightly better in comparison to his record at Leicester, i.e, his free-scoring heyday (in staunchly relative terms).

The problem was that gargantuan fee, somewhere equatable to £32.9 million in today’s money (with the Premier League’s spiralling, law-unto-itself financial inflation taken into account).

Now, I’m a resolute Heskey advocate and I appreciate the under-lying benefits of what he does/did for a side in his role as a human bulldozer, but even I am willing to admit that he’s just never been an £11 million-man and never will be.

Shaun Wright-Phillips: £21 million, Man City to Chelsea, 2006: Man City’s Young Player of the Year for four times on the spin, Wright-Phillips (with the benefit of hindsight) peaked early, genuinely impressing during his first stint at the club.

Then came the beginning of the end. Chelsea paid vastly over the odds such was their wont at the time and Wright-Phillips was duly found out as the insanely limited winger he truly was. He hit his talent wall and he hit it hard.

After two years playing second fiddle to everyone at the Bridge, SWP returned to City for a fraction of his last fee and pootled along as before right up until the point Roberto Mancini turned up.

Special mention: Andy Carroll: £35 million, Newcastle to Liverpool, 2011: Not a victim of the English Premium as such, as it was other market forces that engorged his price tag when Liverpool came a-sniffing – but it would be remiss to list over-priced Englishmen and not list Carroll, who cost as much as a small Pacific island.

(Please note that the over-priced likes of Glen Johnson, Ashley Young, James Milner, Joleon Lescott, Stewart Downing, Jordan Henderson, Darren Bent, etc have not been included because they haven’t really suffered any detriment to their careers at the hands of their respective transfer fees – as massively over-inflated as they may well be.)

Any vastly over-pwiced and wubbish Englanders we’ve missed? Tell us all about it ‘down below’?

                          

By Chris Wright

Does exactly what is says on the tin; The top 100 goals of 2011 all tethered together in a neat little video package. You may well disagree with the ordering, but it’s best to enjoy it for what it is – a thorough retrospective of a great year for great goals…

Video: Lorma96

                          

By Chris Wright

After being genuinely taken aback by some stunning ‘Pablo Zabaleta’s year of birth’-related trivia in the pub last night (more on that later), Pies have cobbled together a list of ten currently active footballers that just look far, far too old for dates on their birth certificates…

Jay Spearing, Liverpool (supposed ‘real’ age: 23)

Looks like a ‘lifer’ as they call them in the trade.

Arjen Robben, Bayern Munich (supposed ‘real’ age: 27)

With his hairline rapidly receding from the age of 20, Robben now does a fine impression of a 47-year old chartered surveyor and self-anointed dinner party wine expert: “The ’57 Chateau du Malt Vinaigre has subtle undertones of tarmac and Opal Fruits,” etc, etc.

Hendry Thomas, Wigan (supposed ‘real’ age: 26)

He’s seen things you people couldn’t imagine.

Kevin McNaughton, Cardiff City (supposed ‘real’ age: 29)

Sian Massey’s former touchline shovin’ buddy surrendered his barnet pigment years ago and, what with his relatively recent beard addition, the 29-year old McNaughton of today could quite easily pass for 45+ should he want/need to at any point.

Wayne Rooney, Man Utd (supposed ‘real’ age: 26)

Like a steaming joint of boiled ham with eyebrows.

Shane Duffy, Everton (supposed ‘real’ age: 20)

Looks like he’s being played by Daniel Day Lewis.

Jimmy Bullard, Ipswich (supposed ‘real’ age: 33)

Fair enough, Jimmy’s no spring chicken any more. That said, the fact remains that he’s looked like a melting waxwork of himself for at least a decade and the now-greying hair doesn’t exactly help matters. He looks like the ghost of an Elizabethan peasant woman.

Pablo Zabaleta, Man City (supposed ‘real’ age: 27)

As alluded to earlier, I’m now a full English tenner worse off because Man City’s very own Boxer the Cart-Horse isn’t “at least 33″.

Steven Fletcher, Wolves (supposed ‘real’ age: 24)

24? Bollocks.

Charlie Adam, Liverpool (supposed ‘real’ age: 26)

The poor guy looks like he’s been bare-knuckle boxing in Glasgow warehouses every night of the week for 20 years, and brushing his teeth with supermarket Scotch every following morning.

Honorary mentions: Obafemi ‘Please Produce Your Birth Certificate’ Martins, Gabriel ‘Vintage Parsnip’ Obertan, Shaun ‘Joe Bugner’s Former Sparring Partner’ Derry, Yao ‘Ancient Medicine Man’ Gervinho, both Paul Robinsons, John ’32 Forever’ Terry, Jose ‘Hair? Yes, I Remember Hair’ Reina…

Also, we couldn’t let an article about old-looking footballers pass by without including a nod to this man…

Alan Cork, formerly of Sheffield United – seen here aged 19…ish.

Any old-looking buggers we’ve missed? Feel free to give us a nudge ‘downstairs’…

                          

By Chris Wright

Given the current penchant for the two-footed Exocet-style challenge as favoured by Glen Johnson among others, here is Pies’ pick of the XI worst, shin-splintering, sinew-shredding, ligament-twanging, bone-flaking tackles to ever take place on a Premier League pitch (that we could find corresponding videos for).

Perfect Friday afternoon viewing…

11. Phil Bardsley on Steven Pienaar, Sunderland vs Everton

Quite simply, a leg-breaker…

10. Thierry Henry on David Weir, Everton vs Arsenal

During his heyday, Thierry Henry played with an ethereal grace and beauty unparalleled by almost all of his peers and contemporaries – most of the time…

9. Michael Essien on Dietmar Hamann, Chelsea vs Liverpool

“It was the worst tackle I’ve experienced in my whole career. I honestly thought he’d broken my leg.”

So did we Didi, so did we…

(If anyone knows of a video source, it’d be greatly appreciated. We had one at the time of writing, but it got away)

8. John Terry on James Milner, Aston Villa vs Chelsea

Yes, it was in the FA Cup but, with the ball long gone, Terry’s studs-up assault on Milner’s fleshy bits is more than worthy of an inclusion…

7. Ryan Shawcross on Aaron Ramsey, Stoke vs Arsenal

Posted (almost) without comment as this is one particular can of worms I don’t fancy opening again. Shawcross’ ‘over-exuberant’ tackle busted Ramsey’s leg in twain and reignited the ‘everyone picks on Arsenal’ furore that was, in-turn, reignited by a certain tackle slightly lower on this list a couple of year’s beforehand…

(Warning: shows clear images of Ramsey’s broken leg)

6. Martin Taylor on Eduardo, Birmingham City vs Arsenal

Accidental it may well have been, but Taylor’s grotesque shin-snapping challenge on Eduardo is still, four years later, used as an example of just how dangerous a mis-timed tackle can be…

(Warning: Eduardo’s injury has not got any prettier over time)

5. Roy Keane on Neil Pointon, Oldham vs Manchester United

The Dark Lord of the Horror Tackle flies in headlong and sends Pointon somersaulting arse-over-tit with a monstrous shin-high tackle. Keane is shown a straight yellow. Pointon gets up and gets on with it like nothing happened. Ah, the good old days..

4. Michael Brown on Sean Davis, Fulham vs Portsmouth

Brown was definitely ‘that type of player’ – a rugged, old-school midfielder that specialised in making his opponent’s afternoon a misery and nothing more. That he still somehow saw fit to remonstrate with the referee after this nasty two-footed, bone-splintering lunge is testament to his approach…

3. Michael Brown on Ryan Giggs, Manchester United vs Fulham

See No. 4 for details. Brown only got a yellow card for this opportunistic,  thigh-high, double-footed abhoration on Giggsy…

2. Roy Keane on Alf Inge Haaland, Manchester United vs Manchester City

“I didn’t wait for [the referee] to show the red card. I turned and walked to the dressing room.

“Even in the dressing room afterwards, I had no remorse. My attitude was, f**k him. What goes around comes around. He got his just rewards. He f**ked me over and my attitude is an eye for an eye.”

Four years after rupturing his knee ligaments in a botched attempt to trip Haaland (then of Leeds), Keane exacted his tyrannical, illogical revenge during the Manchester Derby at Old Trafford – crushing the Norwegian midfielder’s knees into a squidgy paste (going a fair old way towards ending his career in the process) and trudging off down the tunnel with a distinctly serial killer-y air of satisfaction…

1. Ben Thatcher on Pedro Mendes, Manchester City vs Portsmouth

The most reprehensible and disgustingly violent premeditated ‘challenge’ I think I’ve ever witnessed, if only for the fact that there wasn’t even any pretext of trying to win the ball – it also went unpunished at the time if I remember correctly.

Thatcher battered Mendes in the jaw with a running elbow and then had the temerity to stand over the Portuguese midfielder, chastising him for play-acting as he lay sparked out, slumped up against the advertising hoardings. Mendes then suffered a seizure on the way to A&E and was kept under medical supervision for a week following the incident. Thatcher was banned for eight games and fined six-weeks wages…

Disgusting. In the truest sense of the word. Disgusting.

There we go. Any we’ve missed? Fancy telling us how wrong/rubbish we really are? Take to the comments box below…

                          

By Chris Wright

In no particular order, Pies’ ten-strong run down of the rumoured January deals we’d absolutely love to see come to fruition for one reason or another…

1. Didier Drogba (Chelsea) to Shanghai Shenhua…

Word is that there are several Chinese clubs queuing up to throw upwards of £400,000-a-week at The Drog in order to coerce him into semi-retirement. Wouldn’t it be lovely if one of those clubs happened to be Nicolas Anelka’s new employers, who immediately finds himself falling down the pecking order behind Drogba again on the Ivorian’s arrival. Glorious, glorious schadenfreude!

2. Fernando Torres (Chelsea) returning to Liverpool on loan…

He’s apparently 4/1 with several bookmakers to slunk back to Anfield this month. I mean, can you just imagine?

3. Andy Carroll (Liverpool) returning to Newcastle on loan…

…only to start scoring shedloads again due to the simple fact that Newcastle’s wingers realise that Carroll’s feet are only there to give his legs a suitable place to end and that all his power and prowess is located somewhere just in front of his ponytail.

4. Hulk (Porto) to the upper echelons of the Premier League…

Hulk is, and I will argue this to the death with any comers, one of – if not the most overrated player in world football as things stand. You may well point to his exemplary goal record in Portugal, but the yawning disparity between his grandiose self-regard and his actual talent level is frightening. He’s decent. Nothing more. It’s an almost entirely irrational dislike but, in short, I want to see him shown up.

5. Frank Lampard (Chelsea) to Tottenham…

Not that it’ll happen in a month of Sundays, but it would raise a faint chuckle to see an ageing diva of a midfielder fail to accept that he is being used sparingly for his own good and leave in a huff in search of first-team football, only to find himself even further away from the first-string in Tottenham’s bulging midfield talent pool.

6. Jordan Rhodes (Huddersfield) to the Premier League…

21 years old. 22 goals in roughly as many games this season. Sharp as a tack. There’s plenty of rumoured interest from the top flight in a cheapo gamble on Rhodes (Everton are reported to have made contact, though presumably with the wind whispering ‘Beckford’ at every turn) and you’ve got to fancy that, on current form, the lad has goals – potentially incredibly important goals – in him despite his lack of experience. The same can probably said for Nicky Maynard (who has just been made available by Bristol City) and Southampton’s Ricky Lambert amongst others.

7. Lukas Podolski (FC Köln) to Arsenal…

This same old bloody rumour has swilled around in every transfer window since life first waded from the primordial ooze and it’s time someone – ahem, Arsene, ahem – put it out of it’s misery. While he’s obviously gifted and enticingly versatile, I’m also curious as to how the notoriously patchy Podolski would get on in the Premier League.

8. Kaka (Real Madrid) to Chelsea…

Basically, just to get it over and done with. If Vincenzo Iaquinta and Daniel De Rossi could also join Tottenham and Man City respectively, that would be just plum dandy.

9. Kieran Richardson (Sunderland) to Arsenal…

Hands up, I’m a big fan of Richardson, despite the fact that I get the distinct feeling he may be a bit of an arsehole. As consistent-a-performer as you’re likely to find at Premier League level with a glut of underrated skill at his disposal, a routinely clean strike and an eye for the spectacular. Arsenal need a left-back. Richardson is a left-back (of sorts). Just saying.

10. Carlos Tevez (Man City) to Tottenham…

Tevez the man is obviously an unbearable fanny. Tevez the player would be a real shame for the Premier League to lose.

Any rumours we’ve missed/you feel worthy of inclusion on this list? Feel free to give us a nudge in the comments box below folks…

                          

By Alan Duffy

‘Tis been a fine season so far, with a new and rather rich kid on the block in the opulent form of Manchester City shaking things up at the top, a whole host of freakish results (see United’s 8-2 win over Arsenal, City’s 6-1 win over United etc), a Tottenham finally looking ready to make a serious title challenge and some impressive performances from the promoted sides. Oh and there’s been Mario Balotelli.

Anyway, as the first half of the season comes to a close, here is Pies’ selection of the best XI in the Premier League so far. Let the debate (ie partizan squabbling) begin….

GK – Michel Vorm – Swansea City: The “Vorminator” (well, he should be called this anyway), has been a surprise star of a surprise team, with the Dutchman keeping, statically speaking, shed loads (take that, Opta) of clean sheets for the Swans.

RB – Kyle Walker – Tottenham Hotspur: This hasn’t been the best season for full-backs, but young Kyle Walker has made the right-back berth his own at Tottenham, easily eclipsing the now-departed Alan “nut-job” Hutton and Vedran Corluka.

CB – Vincent Kompany – Manchester City: Captain of City’s star-spangled side, the former Anderlecht man is comfortable in the tackle, in the air, and on the ball.

CB – Phil Jones – Manchester United: Wherever he plays, big Phil Jones looks the part. While comparisons to Duncan Edwards may be a bit premature, he has undoubtedly been United’s star turn this season.

LB – Jose Enrique – Liverpool: Arguably the only really standout left-back this season, the Spaniard has been a consistent performer for the Reds and one of King Kenny’s truly successful signings so far.

MF – David Silva – Manchester City: A shoe-in for player of the season, the pint-sized playmaker has blossomed in a free-role behind the likes of Balotelli, Aguero and Dzeko.

MF – Yohan Cabaye – Newcastle United: One of Alain Du Pardew’s French contingent, the tough-tackling yet classy midfielder has played a central, all-action role in Newcastle’ impressive start to the campaign.

MF – Yaya Toure – Manchester City: A truly all-round midfielder, the younger of the Toure brothers has dominated the midfield this season, and is as comfortable in an attacking midfield role as he is in a holding berth.

MF  - Gareth Bale – Tottenham Hotspur: Finally starting to genuinely live up to the hype, when on song, the Spurs man is almost unplayable with his pace,touch and eye for goal.

FW – Demba Ba – Newcastle United: Tony Pulis must be turning in his tracksuit. After failing to pass a medical at Stoke, Ba signed for Newcastle and has become one of the top division’s most prolific hitman, proving to be outstanding in the air.

FW – Robin van Persie – Arsenal: Free of injury, Van Persie has been in world-class form for the Gunners, and is finally hitting the heights that his talent deserves

On the bench: Tim Krul (Newcastle), Daniel Agger (Liverpool), Scott Parker (Tottenham), Clint Dempsey (Fulham), Mark Gower (Swansea), Sergio Aguero (Man City), Juan Mata (Chelsea).

In the stands but pushing for a place in team: Ali Al-Habsi (Wigan), Laurent Kosielny (Arsenal), Leon Britton (Swansea), Fabricio Coloccini (Newcastle), Mikel Arteta (Arsenal), Wayne Rooney (Man Utd), Daniel Sturridge (Chelsea), Richard Dunne (Aston Villa), Joe Hart ( Man City), Angel Rangel (Swansea), Heidar Helguson (QPR), Mario Balotelli (Man City), Nani (Man Utd), Micah Richards (Man City).

On the transfer list and training with the kids: Andy Carroll (Liverpool), Fernando Torres (Chelsea), Marouane Chamakh (Arsenal), Petr Cech (Chelsea), Charles N’Zogbia (Aston Villa), Adel Taarabt (QPR), Paul Robinson (Bolton), David Goodwillie (Blackburn).

                          

By Chris Wright

Time to lighten the mood. Given that Marc Albrighton notched the Premier League’s 20,000th goal last night, it seemed only right to put together a little video compendium of ten of the best most hideously ugly goals ever to have been scored over the course of these 19-and-a-half glorious seasons.

From the top…

10. Simeon Jackson, Wolves vs NORWICH, 2011

A recent one to kick things off with and a finish so bad that it made a bit of bile rise in my throat (skip to 2:33, apologies for the awful soundtrack in advance)…

9. Mido, TOTTENHAM vs Middlesbrough, 2005

When even the striker is turning away in disgust, you know the ‘keeper should really be on top of things…

(Thanks to @tomvictor)

8. Thierry Henry, ARSENAL vs Fulham, 2000/01

The day that Monsieur Henry learned what ‘beans on toast’ meant in Cockney Rhyming Slang…

(Thanks to @dvdmnc)

7. Lauren (O.G), MANCHESTER CITY vs Arsenal, 2003

In which Lauren charges 20 yards after a long ball, brings it under first-time and then rolls a delightful finish past his own goalkeeper…

6. Luka Modric, TOTTENHAM vs Wigan, 2009

Either Modric’s reactions are so good that he saw the diving header coming before the ball even came back off the post…or…he’s a jammy little git…

5. Steve McManaman, Tottenham vs LIVERPOOL, 1999

Ian Walker gets beaten from range by a shot that wouldn’t be able to overtake a glacier in a sprint finish. With tongue firmly entrenched in cheek, McManaman gloated that ‘the power and the swerve deceived Walker’ after the match (skip to 1:53, apologies for the terrible picture quality)…

4. Stan Collymore, Blackburn vs LIVERPOOL, 1997

Similar to No. 5, Collymore sends a wimpy trickler towards goal from 25-yards and a strategically placed divot does the rest, sending the ball over Tim Flowers’ shoulder and in at roughly ½-a-mile an hour – leaving both players completely dumbfounded…

3. Peter Crouch, LIVERPOOL vs Wigan, 2005

After going four months and 19 games without scoring after signing for Liverpool, Crouchy finally opened his account in craptacular style…

(Thanks to @SDMullan)

2. Matt Le Tissier, Manchester United vs SOUTHAMPTON, 2000

It’s a widely known little-known fact that Massimo Taibi actually picked up two Man of the Match awards in the four games he played for United. This was one of the Blind Venetian’s ‘other’ two…

1. Olof Mellberg/Peter Enckelman (O.G), BIRMINGHAM vs Aston Villa, 2002

Enckelman still claims to this day that he didn’t touch Mellberg’s throw, ergo the goal shouldn’t have stood – but, regardless of the mitigating circumstances, you can’t escape the fact that it was an absolute bloody fiasco…

First of all, thanks to everyone who helped us reach the ’10′ mark by answering the call on Twitter. Secondly, if there’s any stinkers I’ve missed (there must be, considering we’ve now got 20,000 to pick from!) then let us know in the comments box below…

                          

By Chris Wright

Definitely not one for the faint of heart/groin, in honour of Scott Dann suffering possibly the grimmest-sounding injury on record at the weekend – a ‘ruptured testicle’ for those who missed it – we’ve cobbled together ten of the most tear-inducing crotch assaults in recent memory…

10. Tottenham ball-boy returns ball, gives Konstantinos Louboutis’ vegetable patch a dainty nudge, 2007…

9. Gerard Pique blocks a cross using nothing but his nads, 2010…

8. Carlos Kali has his dreams of fatherhood abruptly ended by Serge Mputu, 2007…

7. Gary Medel takes out Giovani Dos Santos with ninja penis pinch, 2011…

6. David Villa instantly ripens David Navarro’s plums in celebration, 2009…

5. Edin Dzeko kicked in the face and balls simultaneously, 2011…

4. Dario Rodriguez grabs Hernan Barcos’ scrote and gives it a yank for luck, 2011 (here for the video)…

3. Robin van Persie shows Manuel Almunia a thing or two about ‘ball handling’ during a photo call, 2004…

2. Melbourne’s Carlos Hernandes volleys Central Coast Mariners’ John Hutchinson ‘down under’, 2009…

1. Phil catches his Babbs on the upright, 1998 (come on, what else was going to be at No. 1?)…

Any wince-inducing, eye-watering, knee-trembling bollock-bumps we’ve missed? Give us a holler ‘down below’ (so to speak)…