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Who ate all the pies

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Top 10s & lists

Top 10s: Everybody loves a list. Footballing conclusions, opinions, ratings and run-downs all presented in a handy numerical ordering system.

The Christmas XI

December 21st, 2007

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Pies compiles 11 players with festive names.

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HEROES
Roque Santa Cruz The Paraguayan gets the pity vote. It is not too often you are a hat-trick hero and end up on the losing team.

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1 Open a very high interest bank account for his £4 million a year salary.
2 Pick a good nickname for himself before the tabloids pick one for him.
3 Impose his expected WAG-ban on England meet-ups.

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HEROES
Sulley Muntari Scored just about the sexiest pair you are likely to see this season against Aston Villa.

The old men’s name XI

December 7th, 2007

old%20man%20football.jpgPies presents eleven players who were given names more suited to the pension queue than the Premier League:

As promised yesterday, part two of our top football moments of this year continues below… (check out part one) 10 Ricardinho’s worst corner ever Hilarious proof that even Brazilian footballers aren’t infallible when it comes to a good blooper. Read the rest of the list after the click…

It’s the end of the year, so, as the rules of modern journalism dictate, here is an end-of-year list. I hope you have five minutes to read Pies’ favourite football moments from 2007 – no doubt there are loads of moments that you remember that don’t make this list; post an angry comment if that is […]

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David Cameron
We have just got rid of one England manager who changed his policies depending what the press and the public said, so we don’t need another one. Besides he is only two rows away from Chelsea chief executive Peter Kenyon so he would probably prefer a job with the Blues.

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HEROES
Sebastian Larsson His stunning late winner gave Alex McLeish victory against Tottenham in his first match as Birmingham City match.

Hmm, not quite the romp for Spurs I had imagined before the match. Aalborg scored within two minutes (I chuckled when that happened) and then again on 37 minutes (I didn’t chuckle when that happened) but a rousing second-half performance from was just enough to get the ‘Yids’ (in inverted commas, to placate the politically […]

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HEROES
Robert Green His injury-time penalty saved secured a point for West Ham against Tottenham.

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Well we say worst possible new England manager but we were are working within the realms of reality here (for once). In other words the list takes for granted that the new man will probably already have some experience within the game of football and probably some experience in management too. Hopefully this explains George W Bush’s omission.

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1 Shunning David Beckham
McClaren was determined to become his own man after succeeding Sven. Dropping Becks was an easy way to signal this, but it was a case of cutting his nose off to spite his face. The former skipper clearly still had a part to play and Macca was first to go crawling back.

The football feuds XI

November 15th, 2007

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Sometimes, personal battles go beyond sport and get personal resulting in relationships that will never truly heal. We’ve come up with a first XI of football’s most famous enduring arguments

The English Israeli XI

November 15th, 2007

With England fans crossing their fingers and hoping for Israel to pull off a shock result against Russia on Saturday, Pies celebrates the Israeli players who have plied their trade in the Premier League.
Tal Ben Haim
The no-nonsense centre-back arrived in England in 2004 when Bolton Wanderers signed him. During his three years at the Reebok Stadium he became a highly sought after defender. Chelsea eventually snapped him up on a Bosman free transfer this summer.

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Fergie has been busy throwing down a psychological gauntlet to his current crop of players this week by claiming they are the best squad he’s ever had in his time at the club.

The should have moved on XI

November 13th, 2007

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In a time when loyalty to your employer is unheard of in football, Pies ridicules 11 players who have sabotaged their own careers by staying put.

Football’s worst drinkers XI

November 1st, 2007

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We think it was the late great Bobby Moore who said, “Lose and we’re on the booze, score and we want some more”.

They might be scary looking or just scary because of the way they play the game. Either way, here’s my Top 50 Scariest Players, perfectly timed to coincide with Halloween… Tommy Smith Liverpool’s hardest hard man had that ability to make opposing players shit themselves just with one mean-ass stare. You could be bigger and […]

HEROES Rob Green Saved a last-gasp penalty (pictured) to snatch a point for West Ham at Pompey. Surely Green now has to be taken seriously for England’s No.1 shirt instead of Paul Robinson? Cesc Fabregas Showed off the full extent of his freakish maturity and talent with a wonderfully authoritative performance at Anfield. Stevie G […]

In 1986, cult Birkenhead punk-folk band Half Man Half Biscuit – one of John Peel’s favourite all-time groups – released their infamous debut single, ‘The Trumpton Riots’. On the B-side was the almost-as-infamous track, ‘All I want for Christmas is a Dukla Prague away kit’, a wonderful study of adolescent rivalry and table football. Here’s […]

Top ten footballers in films

October 24th, 2007

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But, while art may have no problem imitating sport, putting a footballer in front of a camera has rarely leads to studs treading the red carpet come Oscar night.

A mixed bag, but some very fine strikes in the mix, especially from outside the box. Alan Hansen would have good reason to use his ‘terrible defending’ line on several occasions, but the MLS is improving in quality fast – although I would say that the standard of attacking play is far greater than in […]

HEROES Benni McCarthy After some stinging criticism of his form and attitude from manager Mark Hughes, McCarthy bounced back with two goals against Reading. Antii Niemi The Finnish keeper salvaged a point for 10-man Fulham against Derby with a series of fine saves. Kenwyne Jones Sunderland’s best player by a mile against West Ham, and […]