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Who ate all the pies

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Top 10s & lists

Top 10s: Everybody loves a list. Footballing conclusions, opinions, ratings and run-downs all presented in a handy numerical ordering system.

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1 Shunning David Beckham
McClaren was determined to become his own man after succeeding Sven. Dropping Becks was an easy way to signal this, but it was a case of cutting his nose off to spite his face. The former skipper clearly still had a part to play and Macca was first to go crawling back.

The football feuds XI

November 15th, 2007

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Sometimes, personal battles go beyond sport and get personal resulting in relationships that will never truly heal. We’ve come up with a first XI of football’s most famous enduring arguments

The English Israeli XI

November 15th, 2007

With England fans crossing their fingers and hoping for Israel to pull off a shock result against Russia on Saturday, Pies celebrates the Israeli players who have plied their trade in the Premier League.
Tal Ben Haim
The no-nonsense centre-back arrived in England in 2004 when Bolton Wanderers signed him. During his three years at the Reebok Stadium he became a highly sought after defender. Chelsea eventually snapped him up on a Bosman free transfer this summer.

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Fergie has been busy throwing down a psychological gauntlet to his current crop of players this week by claiming they are the best squad he’s ever had in his time at the club.

The should have moved on XI

November 13th, 2007

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In a time when loyalty to your employer is unheard of in football, Pies ridicules 11 players who have sabotaged their own careers by staying put.

Football’s worst drinkers XI

November 1st, 2007

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We think it was the late great Bobby Moore who said, “Lose and we’re on the booze, score and we want some more”.

They might be scary looking or just scary because of the way they play the game. Either way, here’s my Top 50 Scariest Players, perfectly timed to coincide with Halloween… Tommy Smith Liverpool’s hardest hard man had that ability to make opposing players shit themselves just with one mean-ass stare. You could be bigger and […]

HEROES Rob Green Saved a last-gasp penalty (pictured) to snatch a point for West Ham at Pompey. Surely Green now has to be taken seriously for England’s No.1 shirt instead of Paul Robinson? Cesc Fabregas Showed off the full extent of his freakish maturity and talent with a wonderfully authoritative performance at Anfield. Stevie G […]

In 1986, cult Birkenhead punk-folk band Half Man Half Biscuit – one of John Peel’s favourite all-time groups – released their infamous debut single, ‘The Trumpton Riots’. On the B-side was the almost-as-infamous track, ‘All I want for Christmas is a Dukla Prague away kit’, a wonderful study of adolescent rivalry and table football. Here’s […]

Top ten footballers in films

October 24th, 2007

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But, while art may have no problem imitating sport, putting a footballer in front of a camera has rarely leads to studs treading the red carpet come Oscar night.

A mixed bag, but some very fine strikes in the mix, especially from outside the box. Alan Hansen would have good reason to use his ‘terrible defending’ line on several occasions, but the MLS is improving in quality fast – although I would say that the standard of attacking play is far greater than in […]

HEROES Benni McCarthy After some stinging criticism of his form and attitude from manager Mark Hughes, McCarthy bounced back with two goals against Reading. Antii Niemi The Finnish keeper salvaged a point for 10-man Fulham against Derby with a series of fine saves. Kenwyne Jones Sunderland’s best player by a mile against West Ham, and […]

Paul Robinson Joleon Lescott

The England boo-boys’ XI

October 16th, 2007

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With the Wembley crowd harrassing Frank Lampard against Estonia on Saturday, Pies looks at an England XI who have had to cope with being booed by their own fans. The message seems to be: don’t be an England midfielder if you’re not thick-skinned!

Liverpool, and to a lesser extent Celtic fans have made this song their own. It’s taken from the musical Carousel, although most people in the UK are more aware of it from cover versions, most notably the one performed by Gerry & the Pacemakers. Other artists who have covered the song include Aretha Franklin (whose […]

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1 Saturday’s result was a decent result against poor opposition. A better second half performance would have been good, but the victory was secured.

There are so many great football chants that raise a smile here at Pies Towers. I’ve compiled list of 50 of our favourites, in no particular order. Here’s part one of that list… ‘In the town, called Sunderland, There lived a man with a monkey’s heid, And they called him Peter Reid’ Geordies and Boro […]

A couple of days ago I posted my Prem team of the season so far. Today, I’ve done a flops of the season – it’s not rocket science, is it? GK Paul Robinson (Spurs) Eighteen goals conceded in nine games, a litany of mistakes and a general lack of positional awareness/sharpness mean that Robbo comfortably […]

The tall footballers XI

October 11th, 2007

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Pies offers up a team of lanky players who are literally head-and-shoulders above any opposition they come up against. Some would say Sam Allardyce spent most of his time at Bolton doing this, but we don’t care – we’re doing it anyway.

With the international break in full effect, I thought now would be a good time to look back at the Prem season so far – we are almost a quarter of the way through, after all – and choose a team based on the players who have been at the top of their game. This […]

As spotted today on sister site Chelsea Pies. Reason No.6 is our favourite… 1 Inter desperately need him Apparently Milan’s second best team want to buy Non-fat Frank to replace Non-fat Patrick Vieira who seems to be heading Manchester City’s way. 2 He still hasn’t been offered a proper new contract by Chelsea Come on […]

The Face Mask XI

October 4th, 2007

John Terry is not the first player to take to the pitch in a crazy face mask, and we dare say he won’t be the last. Here are 11 players who didn’t mind taking to the pitch with their blinkers on.
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The first in an occasional series celebrates arguably the most famous song by The Hitchers, a punkish rock group from Limerick, Ireland. If I remember rightly, this single, which was a double A side (backed with ‘You Can Only Love Someone’), made John Peel’s Festive 50 in 1997, and there’s not much higher praise than […]

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1 Regardless of age and experience, David James is still capable of making terrible mistakes such as the rush of blood which saw him charging out of his penalty area like a bull to Dave Kitson’s matador.