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Who ate all the pies

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Top 10s & lists

Top 10s: Everybody loves a list. Footballing conclusions, opinions, ratings and run-downs all presented in a handy numerical ordering system.

The managed by Pete Doherty XI

September 13th, 2007

ssss74200895.jpgBRRRRRRRREAKING NEWS! Slightly smelly super hoops fan Pete Doherty apparently wants to become a football manager. According to a report on NME.com today, the singer who once said “QPR is the only thing he prefers to narcotics”, is being lined up to manage a team suitable name Doherty FC. The team will then face celebrity opposition (Ralph Little and friends) on telly. As much as we hate most celebrity football, we’d actually love to see that. So who would be in the Babyshambles Moss poker’s starting eleven. Click continue reading to see who we think he’d be most at ease with…

aaaaa74347703.jpgThe weekend after an international break is always a popular time for a chairman to boot out his manager. You’ve had a couple of weeks to argue with your unwanted employee without the hassle of training interfering with ruck time, plus there’s plenty of spare time for a little light tapping up of a replacement. So who’s most likely to get the hoof after even the sniff of a bad result next weekend. Here’s the top ten as we see it…

Crazy squad number XI

September 6th, 2007

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Pies looks at eleven players who made a mockery of tradtional XI with their crazy, mind-bending shirt numbers. At least it proves some footballers can count about 11!

The Players With Country Names XI

September 5th, 2007

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Here is an XI so multicultural that even Arsene Wenger couldn’t have dreamt it up!

Transfer Deadline Day XI

September 3rd, 2007

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A pretty dull end to the summer transfer window in the end. Pies puts together an XI featuring the pick of the purchases. Not many goalkeepers to choose from, but Senegalese aplenty!

There’s always a hint of ‘desperate boyfriend looking for a half-decent present at the 24-hour garage for his missus on Christmas Eve’ about Premier League managers at this time of the season. Panic sets in – do I have a strong enough squad to survive the season, or until January at least? Here, according to […]

The Tragically Young Death XI

August 29th, 2007

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Following the tragic death of Antonio Puerta yesterday, Pies celebrates the James Deans of the football world who died too young.

The Animal Kingdom XI

August 24th, 2007

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Peter Fox
May sides claim to have a cat between the sticks, but we’ve got a Fox.
Mark Fish
The ex-Bolton and Charlton defender will reel in any attackers.
Peter Haddock
The former Leeds man completes our fishy centre-back pairing.

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1 England started in promising fashion, but it all ended in the same old flat performance and poor result.

The German Invasion XI

August 22nd, 2007

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With England facing Germany in a friendly tonight, Pies looks at the German players who have dared to ply their trade in England.
Bert Trautman
Regardless of your thoughts on the effect foreign players have on the England national team, you could hardly hold it against Trautman. He came to England as a prisoner of war during the Second World War. When the war was over, he stayed on and played for Manchester City. His most famous moment came when he played with a broken neck in the 1956 FA Cup final.

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1 Micah Richards is a superhuman backtracking machine who will hunt you down and tackle you (and he’ll get himself in all sorts of terrible positions first just to give you a bit of a chance!).

The Bottle Blond XI

August 17th, 2007

It would have been too easy to go for the entire Romanian 1998 World Cup squad, so here is Pies blond bombshell collective.
Santiago Canizares
He’s daft as a brush but Canizares gets the nod for the Bottle Blond XI. Impressive for Spain and Valencia over the years, Santi went peroxide circa 2002. We’ll put it down to a mid-life crisis.
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With a combined cost of around £250m, even Roman’s roubles would be stretched to afford this team consisting of the most expensive players (in their position) in the Premier League.

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No, we are not advocating FIFA introducing another needless competition with a name like the European Inter-League Champions Toto Mickey Mouse Under 21 Cup, but following the under 21 European Championshups this summer Pies has but together a dream team outfit featuring the pick of the Premier League’s youngsters.

The Team-Mate Scuffle XI

August 9th, 2007

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The next Pies XI features a group of players who love nothing better than to fight among themsevles.

The Silly Injuries XI

August 8th, 2007

DiogoFinger.jpgWith Leroy Lita resting up after his nasty bed-stretching incident, Pies looks at some equally slapstick injuries that footballers have picked up over the years. Meet the team so unlucky with injuries that they would be tempted to hire Jonathan Woodgate as a fitness coach: it’s the Pies Silly Injuries XI.

This week’s Tuesday 10 celebrates footballers who thought extra time was the outcome of a bad parole hearing. This list comes a bit too soon for Mr Joseph Barton, but he faces a maximum of five years banged up if he is convicted of assaulting former Manchester City team-mate Ousmane Dabo.

1 Chelsea’s reserves have pretty much got their league sewn-up already.
2 Thomas Kuszczak and Ben Foster (when he is fit again) will have their work cut out ousting Edwin van der Sar.
3 Wayne Rooney is back! Was he ever away? Anyway, Fergie has predicted a big season from the England star and he made a promising start as he ran at defenders in a way he didn’t seem confident enough to do at times last season.

Liverpool.JPG1 The annual ‘will this be Liverpool’s year?’ discussions. It never is and this year is no exception.
2 Every pundit predicts that the three promoted teams will go straight back down. It hasn’t happened since 1998.
3 Alan Hansen maxes out his quote of Liverpool players/old boys for his Telegraph fantasy football team.

Pies celebrates to truly appalling kits from the Premiership years.
1 Nottingham Forest’s yellow and black away kit
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There’s obviously no way you’ll agree with every selection, but I’d still be interested to hear your thoughts on this XI, comprised of players who I think are playing at a level above them…
paredes-robinson.jpgPaul Robinson (Spurs) If Spurs aspire to be a top-four, title-challenging club, they simply must find a better keeper than Robinson. His positioning is frequently awful and he often seems lead-footed. Yes, he makes the odd good save, but so does every keeper in his division.
Should be playing for… Any lower-table Prem team. Derby or Fulham, say.

With clubs including Liverpool, Portsmouth and Fulham heading to China to take part in pre-season friendlies, Pies looks at players who have moved in the opposite direction to ply their trade in England and Scotland. It is pretty easy to pick out those who had the ability to make their mark in England and those who had the ability to shift a few replica shirts.
Sun%20TA.JPG1 Sun Jihai
Arguably the most successful Chinese player to date. He initially played for Crystal Palace in 1998. When he returned to England with Manchester City from Dalian Shide in 2002 he cost £2 million. He became the first Chinese Premier League goalscorer when he netted against Everton in October that year. Still with City, he is of course the subject of the stroke of terrace genius: “Singing aye aye yippy Sun Jihai, aye aye Sun Jihai, singing aye aye yippy, his dad owns a chippy, aye aye yippy Sun Jihai.”

Top Ten Ginger Footballers

July 23rd, 2007

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Well, instead of playing knock down ginger we’ve put together a list of the top ten ginger footballers who have ignored the taunts and become role models for red heads everywhere:

campbell.jpgWith Fergie refusing Liverpool’s £6.8m bid for Gabriel Heinze and claiming United would ‘never’ sell to their bitterest rivals, we take a look at a few transfers that have taken place between clubs with a history of hatred.