Top 10s & lists

Top 10s: Everybody loves a list. Footballing conclusions, opinions, ratings and run-downs all presented in a handy numerical ordering system.

  • Tuesday 10: Football drink-drivers June 5th, 2007 Top 10s & lists

    Our weekly lists looks at 10 footballers who stupidly had at least one too many before getting behind the wheel. Far too many to choose from for this category, but here we go…
    Addicted.jpg1 Tony Adams
    Football’s most well-known drink-driver was jailed for three months in 1990 for drink driving. Already Arsenal club captain at the time, Adams was sent to Chelmsford Open Prison after crashing his car into a wall while four times over the legal limit.

  • Fink Tank’s scientific ranking of Premiership players is 99.7% shit June 5th, 2007 Top 10s & lists

    physician-scientist.jpgThe Times’ football boffin, Daniel Finkelstein (the man responsible for the brilliantly named Fink Tank column), has ranked every Premiership player based on some impossible-to-comprehend mathematical formula. It’s ‘a multivariate Poisson log-normal model’, if that means anything to you at all.

  • England 1-1 Brazil: five observations June 4th, 2007 Top 10s & lists

    1 That must be the first time a match at Wembley has been held up while the President of a country snogs each of his players!
    2 With David Beckham back in the fold, surely Alan Smith can’t be allowed to play as well. England’s bottle blond quota is met. We will soon be looking like the Romanian squad at Euro 2000.

  • Transfer flops of the season XI May 30th, 2007 Top 10s & lists

    Sheva.JPGWelcome to the Pies Transfer flops of the season XI sponsored by Freddy Shepherd. In fairness to Freddy he does not have any representatives in the side. Chelsea and West Ham fans, avert your eyes now! Everyone else, click below.

  • Top ten quotes of the season May 30th, 2007 Top 10s & lists

    _42229602_sam_hammam_dugout203.jpg1 ‘Everyone’s very comfortable on the ball and almost all of them are athletic. We play what I call “orgy football”: the other team know they’re going to get it, but they don’t know from whom or where from.’
    Cardiff’s ex-chairman Sam Hammam takes a wrong turn at metaphor junction.

  • Five moans for bitter Liverpool fans with sour grapes May 24th, 2007 Liverpool

    1 AC Milan shouldn’t have been in the competition to begin with – they were initially kicked out for their part in the Italian match-fixing scandal.
    2 The referee promised a minimum of three minutes injury time. He played 2mins 40secs, including a lengthy Milan substitution.

  • Champions League special: Top ten CL goals of all time May 23rd, 2007 Top 10s & lists

    Again, this isn’t our selection, but there are still some beauties to enjoy, especially Almeida’s strike against Inter and Bressan’s amazing bicycle kick against Barca:

    Not sure what Frank Lampard’s fluke is doing in there?

  • Champions League special: Top ten goals in 2006/07 May 23rd, 2007 Top 10s & lists


    Not our selection (we would have added Nelson’s thunderous effort against Man Utd) but still some fine goals in there.

  • The Tuesday 10: FA Cup goals in 2006/07 May 22nd, 2007 Top 10s & lists

    Despite serving up the dreariest final in the history of the competition, there were some cracking goals scored in the FA Cup this season…

  • Pies’ Premiership Team of the Season, part 2 May 16th, 2007 Top 10s & lists

    Part 2 of our team of the season below. Check out part 1 here.
    essien_michael_cfc_profile_2006.jpgMF: MICHAEL ESSIEN (Chelsea)
    A rock wherever he plays, Essien is the embodiment of the perfect modern midfielder – in the eyes of managers, if not fans. I’m pretty sure all Premiership bosses would choose to poach Essien above any other player in Chelsea’s rich squad, even Drogba – Essien is strong, can run and tackle all day, knows when to play it simple, is good going forward and chips in with crucial goals. And he’s improved his discipline no end – just five yellow cards in the Premiership this season.
    Honourable mention: Gilberto Silva (Arsenal) Not many bright spots for Arsenal this season, but Gilberto has had a good campaign and deserves a mention. He doesn’t rant and rave but he’s a quietly effective leader. He also scored 11 goals in all competitions, way more than he’s managed in England until now.

  • Miss you Weng you’re gone: 10 players Arsene should have kept May 15th, 2007 Arsenal

    With Steve Sidwell making the move from Highbury to Stamford Bridge, via the Madejski Stadium in Reading of course, Pies looks at 10 giveaways which could/or have come back to bite Mr Wenger on the Arsene.

  • Top ten Premiership goals of the season May 15th, 2007 Top 10s & lists

    These are our favourite goals of the season. Vote for your favourite after the jump.
    1 Robin Van Persie vs Charlton

    Very few players in the world are capable of scoring a volley like this. Happily for Arsenal fans, Robin van Persie is one of those rare players. Like no other goal I’ve seen and so it wins out as Pies’ favourite Premierhip goal of 2006/07.

  • Pies’ Premiership Team of the Season, part 1 May 14th, 2007 Top 10s & lists

    Unlike most people, we actually wait until the end of the season to do our ‘team of the season’. Makes sense, don’t you think? Anyhoo, here’s our selection for the best XI in 2005/06 (fitting neatly into a time-honoured 4-4-2 formation):
    Reina.jpgGK: JOSE REINA (Liverpool)
    Pepe still flaps at the odd cross like a giant baby bird, but we’ll forgive him the odd discretion (all keepers make mistakes, simple as that). Reina is still young for a keeper (just 24, although he looks more like 34) and improving all the time. He’s had a great season, behind a constantly changing back four, and the fact fans now take it for granted that Liverpool concede hardly any goals is a testimony to his effectiveness as a shot-stopper.
    Honourable mention: David James (Portsmouth). A renaissance season for Jamo. Nothing calamitous about his form these days.

  • 10 things more interesting than watching Chelsea v Manchester United May 10th, 2007 Chelsea

    1 Watching paint dry
    paint.JPG

  • The Tuesday 10: Ian Holloway’s quotes of the season May 8th, 2007 Top 10s & lists

    73547397.jpg
    Ollie has kept us thoroughly entertained this season. English football would be a more boring place without his wit and wisdom. Ollie, we salute you! Here’s ten of his best quotes of the season:
    1 ‘If anybody’s offended by seeing a backside, get real. Maybe they’re just jealous that he’s got a real nice tight one, with no cellulite or anything. I thought his [Joey Barton’s] bum cheeks looked very pert.’
    2 ‘I think us human beings will end up with thumbs like giant crabs pretty soon because of all the texting that goes on and the playing of these stupid computer games, and we’ll have lost the art of talking. It really does worry me.’
    3 ‘If you go to the ballet you have about eight intervals – it’s different class. In fact you could almost have your 10 pints during the breaks and by the end of it you’re loving it. I strongly recommend it.’

  • Top five Premiership goals of the weekend May 7th, 2007 Top 10s & lists

    1 Mark Noble, West Ham v Bolton
    Cock the hammer, pull the trigger, bosh…

  • The Tuesday 10: Horror Hooters May 1st, 2007 Top 10s & lists

    This week Pies salutes some of football’s finest schnozzles.
    ogrizovic04.jpg1 Steve Ogrizovic
    Steve Ogrizovic boasts a head that has been kicked so many times it looks like it tried to make the grade as a ball before converting to be a goalkeeper. Oggy’s nose(s) have brave/daft keeper written all over it/them. The nose is so wonky that it looks like three very thin noses stuck together.

  • Top five Premiership goals of the weekend (with video goodness) April 30th, 2007 Top 10s & lists

    1 Dimitar Berbatov, Middlesbrough v Spurs
    As Alan Hansen would say, that is fantastic technique. If Dimi carries on like this, Spurs will really struggle to keep him in the summer. Chelsea and Man Utd will surely be keen to track down his agent’s mobile number.

    Apologies for crappy video quality, btw.

  • Horror Hair: Top 10 David James disasters April 26th, 2007 Horror Hair

    In the week that Portsmouth keeper David James broke the record for the most number of Premiership clean sheets, Pies acknowledges one man’s outstanding contribution to the art of Horror Hair.
    david%20james.JPG1 The Fun Boy Three
    Despite this picture, Pies can confirm that James in fact spent the late 1980s and early 1990s as a Watford player and not as a member of Fun Boy Three.
    Horror Hair-o-meter rating: 7 out of 10

  • Five reasons why Clive Tyldesley is probably the world’s most annoying commentator April 25th, 2007 Top 10s & lists

    Tyldesley.JPG1 He is biased in Manchester United’s favour to the point that he would probably no longer be allowed to commentate on the BBC even if he was good enough (and it’s a big if). During his four years at the Beeb in the early 1990s he was assigned to a grand total of four live matches!

  • Manchester United physio room XI April 23rd, 2007 Man Utd

    swire.jpgThe busiest man in football at the moment is Manchester United physio Rob Swire. The Red Devils barely have enough first-teamers available to put a side out as the injury curse that afflicted Chelsea earlier in the season seems to have moved north. So we thought we would help Fergie by compiling a physio room XI for him. Click below to see the line-up.

  • Top five Premiership goals of the weekend. Well, the top two anyway… April 23rd, 2007 Arsenal

    Put simply, it was a shit weekend for goals in the Premiership, so I won’t post the top five. There were just two half-decent goals scored, both of which you can watch below…

  • Good weekend, bad weekend April 22nd, 2007 Top 10s & lists

    Good weekend Celtic Wrapped up their inevitable SPL title with a last gasp victory over mighty Kilmarnock. West Ham The only side in the bottom-half of the table to pick up three points. The Hammers gave themselves a lifeline wih victory over Everton. David James The Portsmouth keeper eventually broke David Seaman’s Premiership record by […]

  • Top five quotes of the week April 20th, 2007 Top 10s & lists

    man_on_moon.gif1 ‘There have been cup shocks before but this would be up there with man landing on the moon.’
    Aidy Boothroyd knows how to instil confidence in his Watford team. Man U beat the Hornets 4-1 in the FA Cup. And wasn’t the moon landing meticulously planned, rather than a shock?

  • Four high scoring Champions League games April 12th, 2007 Top 10s & lists

    The gang at 101Greatgoals has tracked down footage of some of the greatest spankings in the history of the Champions League. Viva Youtube! 1 Juventus 7-0 Olympiakos (10 December, 2003) David Trezeguet bags a brace as Juve thrash the helpless Greeks. You have already read 4 premium articles for free todayAccess immediately the premium content […]