By Alan Duffy

Manchester United 2-1 Liverpool – Premier League – 11th February 2012

The Evra/Suarez circus which preceeded the game before, once again, polluting the proceedings throughout the 90 minutes and beyond, has already been well covered by Pies, so I’ll focus on the football.

Wayne Rooney proved to be the match-winner for United, with his three-minute two-goal salvo early in the second-half earning his side a vital three points in the title race. Liverpool did get one back through a certain Mr Suarez on 80 minutes and could have had another, with the Uruguayan heading over from close-range.

However, overall, the Red Devils deserved the three points, with Antonio Valencia impressing once again down the right and Danny Welbeck proving a willing partner to Rooney up front. As for Liverpool, their five-man midfield failed to spark, with Jordan Hendersen missing-in-action and Steven Gerrard failing to get a hold of the game. With Craig Bellamy starting on the bench, the visitors were in need of some genuine pace up front, with Rio Ferdinand and Jonny Evans looking somewhat vulnerable in the centre of United’s defence.

Ultimately, it was Rooney’s brace (he could’ve had a hat-trick too) that would prove decisive in a game which will be remembered for all the wrong reasons.

Photos…

Highlights…

Photos: PA

                          

By Chris Wright

Sir Alex Ferguson didn’t hold back in his assessment of Luis Suarez in his post-match interview with the BBC:

“Suarez is a disgrace to Liverpool Football Club. He should not be allowed to play for Liverpool again. He could have caused a riot.”

Which is actually a compliment if those myriad hair-trigger, blindly defensive Liverpool fans out there are prepared to give it a minute to sink in before the bile starts gushing forth.

Ferguson makes no secret and is actually fairly regular in expressing his admiration for Liverpool’s proud history.

To many, this latest diatribe may seem like back-handed shit-stirring on the surface – but Sir Alex is actually openly stating that a player of Suarez’s ‘dubious nature’ (which is putting it far too politely) is not worthy of playing for a club he regards in such high esteem.

Okay, it’s a little back-handed – but the point stands and we can’t help but agree on that particular front. The man has a point; Suarez is disgraceful. He is void of grace.

Kenny Dalglish was altogether less dignified after the game, telling a Beeb reporter: ”I think you’re bang out of order to blame Luis Suarez for anything that happened here today,” (the readily accessible evidence suggests otherwise) in amongst other such diversionary nonsense…

Dear me.

                          

Police have confirmed that the confiscated all of the copies of the United fanzine, Red Issue, that were floating around outside Old Trafford today which featured cut-out ‘Suarez Is Innocent’ Ku Klux Klan masks for United fans to hold in front of their faces to bait Liverpool as the teams emerged from the tunnel.

These are those…

It’s just a ghost right? The ghost of Suarez’s innocence?

So said police bod Chief Superintendent Mark Roberts said:

“Shortly before kick-off we were made aware that a Manchester United supporters’ fanzine was being sold outside Old Trafford featuring a potentially offensive image.

“We have seized the fanzines and masks] as both items are potentially offensive and we cannot be in a situation where hundreds or thousands of people were displaying offensive images at a football match.

“The consequences of taking no action could have resulted in public order incidents inside or outside the ground.”

But officer, it’s only BAAAAAAAAANTAAAAAAAH!!!!

Image: Anorak

                          

By Chris Wright

The Evra/Suarez handshake kerfuffle in GIF form, on endless repeat for the rest of time…

*Squidge squidge squidge*

Can you hear that? That’s the sound of Pies milking this thing dry.

GIF via @patricksp71

                          

By Chris Wright

Merely ‘celebrating with his own fans’ or goading Liverpool and Suarez as they/he made his way down the tunnel? Make your own minds up what Paddy was playing at come the final whistle.

I’m pretty sure I know what he had in mind.

                          

So, it was Luis Suarez who refused Patrice Evra‘s offer of a handshake at Old Trafford earlier this afternoon…

The mascot is seen here at the exact moment he realises he’s not the most immature man on the pitch

Evra grabbed Suarez, then Rio Ferdinand also refused to shake his hand.

Manchester United eventually won 2-1, and Evra ran around the pitch over-celebrating; beating his chest, whooping and kissing his badge – making a point of gravitating toward Suarez in the process before being shepherded aside by referee Phil Down and a clutch of stewards.

Children. The pair of them. Neither comes out of this with their dignity intact.

                          

Promise this is the last time we’ll mention ‘you know who’…

Via the brilliant False 9.

                          

By Chris Wright

In which the majestic, graceful, honest and British Gareth Bale is unfortunate enough to run headlong through a hotspot of intensely strong gravity caused by solar flares reflecting off the twin moons of Tatooine at Anfield on Monday night.

Poor Gareth…

It may well have looked like a pathetic dive to those too ignorant to spot the atmospheric disturbance, but I can assure you that honest, British players like Gareth would never stoop so low as to associate with such a devious practice – not like Luis Suarez, of whom it should be expected. He is a horrible foreign oik after all.

Bale, as I mentioned previously, is British.

                          

By Chris Wright

Strange, I know, that something as anodyne as a cat should become an instant internet meme (meow-eme?), but this isn’t just any old flea-bitten feline; this is The Anfield Cat – the cat that put the ‘feline’ into ‘I’m feline very ashamed of the entire world right now’…

He/she/it has also, for reasons unbeknownst, accrued upwards of 24,400 followers on Twitter…

All very impressive once you remember that his account has been set up and verified without the use of opposable thumbs.

Christ! You know it must’ve been a god-awful game when a cat – I’ll say that again – a CAT, gets 25k followers off the back of it after padding around for a couple of minutes.

I weep. Softly.

                          

By Alan Duffy

Liverpool 0-0 Tottenham Hotspur – Premier League – 6th February 2012

The Premier League’s enfant terrible, Luis Suarez, made a return to action last night after serving his eight-game ban, but even the gifted Uruguayan couldn’t kickstart what was a rather flat performance from Liverpool at Anfield.

Visitors Tottenham came into the game six points behind second-place Man Utd, but failed to find the attacking spark which has served them so well this season. Instead it was their backline who produced an impressive and disciplined display.

Another man of the moment, Harry Redknapp, was absent for the game after his flight from London was cancelled due to bad weather, but the not-at-all dodgy Spurs boss missed little in the way of goalmouth action in the first-half.

Early in the second half, Gareth Bale was booked for diving for the second time this season, as the Reds started to push for a goal, with Martin Kelly going close. Dirk Kuyt made way for Suarez on 66 minutes, but the South American’s first act was to aim at kick at Scott Parker which earned the striker a yellow when he really deserved a red.

Andy Carroll then fluffed a decent opportunity to win the game for the home side although it was Bale who had the best chance of the game late on, running through on goal but failing to beat Pepe Reina.

A point was of limited use to both sides, with the Reds chalking up their eighth home draw of the campaign.

Photos…

Highlights…

Photos: PA