March 1995 A knackered-looking Steve Bruce tries to keep up with Robbie Fowler during the Premiership match between Liverpool and Man Utd at Anfield in the 1994/95 season. Photo Shaun Botterill/ALLSPORT

Chringle, our Shit Lookalikes specialist, has outdone himself this time. I don’t know what new form of crack you’re on Chringle, but I’d like some please.

‘Xabi Alonso, Momo Sissoko, Gerrard and Mascheranooooooo!’ They definitely haven’t got the best midfield in the world (I’d argue that AC Milan – Kaka, Gattuso, Pirlo and Seedorf – win that one), but Liverpool fans never let the facts get in the way of a good chant. And this is a good chant. Shame that [...]

So Liverpool are still alive in the Champions League. They have to go to Marseille and win in their final game of the group stage, but I think they’re capable of doing that. Here’s what I learnt from the match…

Billy Davies is the sixth Premier League manager to leave his club this season – there’s a Pies pat on the back if you can guess the others? But, it could be unlucky seven before Christmas with these two hanging from tenterhooks – Rafa’s upset the owners while Sam isn’t the fans’ favourite.

Peter Crouch is the latest footballer to bring out a book. Crouchinho has brought out Walking Tall (oh, I see what he did there!) just in time to cash-in on the Christmas market. Perhaps including a huge sock as a complimentary Christmas stocking would improve sales. Anyway with most of these books you have to wait until the inside pages for the unintentional comedy gold. Not so with Walking Tall. How much slap is he wearing in the cover photo? He looks like Alan Hansen’s make-up artist has been let loose on him!

“We always said that Crouch was all legs!”

Peter Crouch is back in the headlines, so it’s the perfect time to post this comically bad ‘remix’ of Dre and Eminem’s ‘Forgot About Dre’. Whoever edited this mix, don’t give up the day job – unless your day job happens to be editing music videos together with sports clips, in which case DO give [...]

Since when did Rafa’s Liverpool score this many goals? Since last night, when they ripped an impotent Besiktas to shreds, thanks to a Yossi Benayoun hat-trick and a couple from Liverpool’s forgotten man, Peter Crouch.

Liverpool v Besiktas, Tues 6 November (ko 7.45pm BST)
Prediction Liverpool 3-0 Besiktas

Tonight is the first of three crucial games that will decide if Liverpool, finalists in two of the last three seasons, will even make it out of the Champions League group stages this time around.

Nabil El Zhar (who hell he?) gave Liverpool the lead with a splendid net-burster from 25 yards out. Darren Purse equalised for Cardiff, but within less than a minute Liverpool retook the lead through Stevie G.

Liverpool’s favourite son answers Everton’s terrace jibes about his suposed love of the ‘high-life’ by getting all Scarface on the sidelines

The man revered as ‘God’ returns to his spiritual home tonight as Robbie Fowler comes back to Anfield in a Cardiff shirt to play in tonight’s Carling Cup match.

Stevie Gerrard and Cesc Fabregas staked their individual claims for the Premier League’s best midfielder yesterday with inspiring performances and a goal apiece that split the points. But, which one would you prefer in your team?

HEROES Rob Green Saved a last-gasp penalty (pictured) to snatch a point for West Ham at Pompey. Surely Green now has to be taken seriously for England’s No.1 shirt instead of Paul Robinson? Cesc Fabregas Showed off the full extent of his freakish maturity and talent with a wonderfully authoritative performance at Anfield. Stevie G [...]

Fair play to The Sun sub-editor who came up with this headline. Give that man/woman a raise.

Liverpool’s nightmare run in the Champions League continued last night when they lost 2-1 to Besiktas in Turkey. That leaves the club with only one point from their first theree games and their hopes of reaching the knockout stages clinging by a thread.

Liverpool have yet to win a Champions League game this season so nothing less than a win will do tonight and, although they won the 2005 final in Istanbul, they’ve never beaten a Turkish team away.

Everyone, except maybe the most tongue-tied Spurs fan, has been waxing lyrical about Arsenal all season – apparently Wenger’s boys have taken the beautiful game and given it an even more stylish makeover.

Stevie G’s wife is on the left. The monumental waste of skin that is Paris Hilton is on the right. But they are starting to look very similar, n’est ce pas?

What’s with the inflated carrier bags? I guess it’s a dig at Everton’s new stadium plans, which also include high street shops, a hotel and a giant Tesco supermarket. Anyway, I’m sure you can come up with a fine caption for this pic…

Not a great couple of weeks for Stevie G. He’s underperformed for England (including that missed sitter in Russia), been slagged off in The Guardian, and was substituted by Rafa Benitez in the Merseyside derby on Saturday. Gerrard’s reaction to being taken off was as follows: ‘I was hurt and disappointed at being taken off [...]

Aston Villa 1-0 West Ham
Craig Gardner won the match for Villa, but Dean Ashton is now a doubt for England after picking up a knee injury.

Crazy Sepp Blatter wants a quota on foreign players in European teams; each club would only be allowed to have five foreign players in its starting XI. Blatter sees this as the solution to encouraging home-grown talent, but, honestly, we’re too far down the line to go back to such a quota system, and anyway [...]