I used to think Ashley was such a nice boy when he was making his way at Arsenal – the sort of polite young man you could take to meet your parents. Then, something happened to him. He went over to the Dark Side, for what reason I don’t know exactly. It all started with [...]

If tomorrow’s Arsenal v Man Utd clash offers one tenth of the entertainment of this amazing FA Cup match, I’ll be a happy man. I still don’t think I’ve seen a more pulsating game in this country. Two teams – and bitter, bitter rivals, as they were, and still are – at the very top [...]

Man mountain and Easter Island lookalike, Jaap Stam, has called an end to his playing career because of injury and a lack of focus.

But, while there were probably better strikes than Tevez’s first goal against Middlesborough, it was the build up that finished with a backhell pass from Rooney in the box that wins our vote.

Isn’t it ironic that both Khouri and Morisette come from Canada? Not really, but Janelle sure as hell looks like she could be Alanis’s younger, hotter sister.

Everyone, except maybe the most tongue-tied Spurs fan, has been waxing lyrical about Arsenal all season – apparently Wenger’s boys have taken the beautiful game and given it an even more stylish makeover.

There were not quite as many goals as we saw at the Emirates last night, but this match was not so one-sided and therefore more entertaining. In truth this was a comfortable victory for the English champions, but Kiev never gave up. Kiev are not the force they were in the days of Rebrov & [...]

Tempers were already frayed after the long-faced Dutchman contrived to get Patrick Viera sent off and then stepped up to take an injury time penalty with the game at 0-0.

Here’s football’s vainest man, rolling around seductively on a mattress, for a TV ad for a Portuguese bank. Man, if he was chocolate – even crappy chocolate, like the sort you get in Kinder eggs – he would definitely eat himself. Via Kickette

He may be the most gifted player of his generation but why is Wayne Rooney always involved for the wrong reasons when England go out of a major tournament, or possibly qualifying match?

The Neviller and Schmeichs played together at Old Trafford for years, so you’d think young Gary would at least shake Peter’s hand when it’s generously offered in the tunnel. Are you f**king kidding me?! This is the Manc derby and there’s no way Citizen Neville, the most ardent Red in the union, would ever forego [...]

Cristiano Ronaldo has offered an olive branch to Jose Mourinho after the pair became embroiled in a row at the end of last season, which ended with the ex-Chelsea boss claiming Ronaldo ‘lacked class’. But, in a surprising U-turn, Ronaldo has shown he bears no ill feeling towards Jose: ‘English football will miss Jose Mourinho. [...]

One’s an 80s popstar who couldn’t actually sing while the other is a footballer who’s also been fluffing his lines until recently. Via Man United Pies

‘Where’s your wooden spoons Gaz?’ asks Dave. ‘I haven’t a fooking clue’ is the gist of Gary’s answer. Excellent stuff from football’s oddest couple – this is taken from a documentary titled ‘The Real David Beckham’, which was shown on Sky about five years ago, if I remember rightly. Aw, what a lovely couple they [...]

Aston Villa 1-0 West Ham
Craig Gardner won the match for Villa, but Dean Ashton is now a doubt for England after picking up a knee injury.

Crazy Sepp Blatter wants a quota on foreign players in European teams; each club would only be allowed to have five foreign players in its starting XI. Blatter sees this as the solution to encouraging home-grown talent, but, honestly, we’re too far down the line to go back to such a quota system, and anyway [...]

This slightly weird video from Football365 shows Agent Peter Kenyon revealing his masterplan to topple Chelski from the inside after being sent to infiltrate them by General Sir Alex Ferguson!

Here’s a clip of the greatest pound-for-pound boxer in the world, Floyd ‘Pretty Boy’ Mayweather, wearing a Man Utd shirt during his visit to the north-west to promote his mega fight with Ricky ‘The Hitman’ Hatton. Of course, Mayweather, who has to be the most annoying sportsman on the planet, is not really a United [...]

1 A quality finish from Wayne Rooney. He put it the one place where the keeper couldn’t reach it from a narrow angle.

A disagreement turns into a full-blown scuffle during this season’s Community Shield between Man United and Chelsea. This is what happens when Man Yoo fans from Croydon and Manchester clash, I guess.

On the left we have the real Wayne Rooney (unless EA Sports hired a lookalike for their FIFA 08 photoshoot, which would complicate matters further) and on the right we have his computer-generated evil twin. FIFA 08 Rooney has a slight glint in his eye which suggests he might be about to kill his clean-shaven, slightly thinner, human other half!

One of the most stunning nights of European football at Old Trafford. One thing’s for sure: there will be no repeat of this scoreline tonight, when the two teams meet in the CL again. More Man Yoo talk at Man United Pies

Birmingham 0-1 Manchester United
Crissy Ronaldo (© Pies) pounced early in the second-half to give United victory and keep up with Arsenal.

It doesn’t make much sense to me that Man Utd would complain about Avram Grant being granted dispensation to manage Chelsea without a Uefa pro licence, as reported by BBC Sport. If I was involved with Man Utd, I’d want Avram Grant to remain as Chelsea manager for as long as possible – rather that than they bring in a world-class manager like Guus Hiddink, surely? It all seems a bit silly, given that Grant has already managed the Israeli national team.

I see your Gabriel Agbonlahor and raise you one Wes Brown…