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Who ate all the pies

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Man Utd

Manchester United: All the latest Manchester United flavoured news, views, rumours and other assorted bits and bobs

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Former Manchester United renegade Gabriel Heinze is the subject of this week’s Photoshop assault in the Guardian Gallery. Real Madrid’s new £6.8 million signing gets a ribbing over his pre-season antics. Pies’ particular favourite is this effort featuring Heinze Argentine Mean Beanz – currently on special offer at £6.8 million.

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Ole Solskjaer is hanging up his deadly boots, Wayne Rooney is out injured (although he’s reportedly recovering faster than expected), Alan Smith and Guiseppe Rossi have moved on, Louis Saha’s body can’t be trusted, Carlos Tevez is settling in…

So there are six (count ‘em!) clubs in the group stages of this season’s Champions League: the big four in England, plus Celtic and Rangers. The English clubs can’t meet each other, because they are all amongst the top eight seeds, but there’s a very strong chance that we’ll see another so-called ‘Battle of Britain’, […]

Ole brings the ball under control during a Champions League match against Fenerbahce in 1996. Photo Clive Brunskill/Allsport

Arsenal 1-0 Manchester City
Cesc Fabregas finally found a breakthrough, despite an excellent performance from Manchester City goalkeeper Kasper Schmeichel. The young Dane made a string of saves, including Robin van Persie’s 65th minute penalty.
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This video shows something that is a bit of a rarity at the moment: Kasper Schmeichel conceding a goal. But here he is Peter’s lad aged six conceding a sloppy goal in the Old Trafford tunnel. Steve Bruce’s son Alex, currently playing at Ipswich, is the man who beats him at his near post.

Free Gabriel Heinze t-shirt

August 21st, 2007

Gabriel Heinze’s attempts to move from Manchester United to Liverpool are expected to be settled by a Premier League arbitration panel later today. This should provide a speedy resolution to the situation, just ask Heinze’s new team-mate and compatriot Carlos Tevez!

76174518.jpgWith only two points to show from their first three games, it’s United’s worst start to the league for 15 years and Fergie has already admitted that the Champions face an uphill struggle to reclaim their title.

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With a combined cost of around £250m, even Roman’s roubles would be stretched to afford this team consisting of the most expensive players (in their position) in the Premier League.

2403664.jpgIs it just me, or does Cristiano Ronaldo have a new free kick routine?

Portsmouth 1-1 Manchester United
Cristiano Ronaldo grimaces after being shown a red card for violent conduct.
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1275780.jpgWatching the Football Years last night (on some freeview channel), I reveled in the season or 89/90. That year, Liverpool won the league, Man United won the FA Cup and most importantly, the biggest charlatan in football made his appearance…

Shamon motherf*cker! Remember when Michael Jackson was still black and had most of his own facial features?

This spoof of Wayne Rooney’s Put It Where You Want It campaign for his new Nike boots shows Reading centre-back Michael Duberry putting it exactly where he wants it – right on top of Wazza’s paper-thin boots. Crunch goes the metatarsal.

Following yesterday’s imaginatively titled Part One, today Pies profiles the home kits of the 10 Premiership teams who would have their names called at last on the school register.
Man%20City%20home%20kit.JPGManchester City
There is a hint of baseball to Citeh’s new shirt, with its rather fetching white pinstripes. Reebok are out and French brand Le Coq Sportif (currently enjoying a Lazarus-style revival) are in. Last season’s white sleeves are also ditched, and on reflection it is probably a good call. Click here to buy it from Kitbag.

manu-badge.jpgNow, to our glory hunting Manchester United fans (I’m kidding! I’m kidding! Back off!) to find out about their dreams of silverware and stuff. I interviewed the main lad at new Shiny blog, ManUnitedPies, and found that he was very busy, and therefore, a bit short on words… but you would be if you’d been gloating all summer at Chelsea fans…

Remember we warned you that the latest Nike Put It Where You Want It viral would feature Wayne Rooney smacking the ball at scantily clad Welsh daredevils Dirty Sanchez? Well here is the finished article. The group enjoy a few eye-watering games. Note the ominous to be continued caption at the end of the video.

In a long line of singing footballers (maybe we should do a Singing Footballers XI?) Carlos Tevez is the latest (to me at least) hitman to pick up the mic. He’s the front man in a band called Piola Vago, who play cumbia villera, a form of Argentinian shantytown/urban music. Piola Vago managed to hit the charts in Argentina with their song Lose Your Control which saw Carlitos crooning about whipping a girl and begging her for sex (c/o The Sun).

cmlotto.jpgHe may well be a born leader of men but that doesn’t mean Fergie wears the trousers at home. Apparently, the United manager has been grounded tonight and will miss United’s final pre-season friendlies while he helps his missus move house.

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Chelsea’s squad for last weekend’s Community Shield match was so bare that they played without a recognised striker for most of the match. And it looks like they’ll have to make up the numbers when their Premier League kicks off on Sunday.

gabbyheinze.jpgGabriel Heinze is a troubled man. Apart from being the footballer that no commentator can agree on in terms of pronouncing his surname, he’s also trapped in a loveless relationship. By that I mean his stay at Old Trafford. Heinze will take his dispute with Manchester United to a Premier League arbitration panel next week regarding his wish to leave the club….

Sven just can’t help putting his foot in it. It comes naturally to him, as do negative tactics and poor substitutions. Here he is asking new signing Valeri Bojinov how it feels to have signed for Manchester United! Valeri probably got all excited for a couple of seconds until the howls of the watching media kick in!

1 Chelsea’s reserves have pretty much got their league sewn-up already.
2 Thomas Kuszczak and Ben Foster (when he is fit again) will have their work cut out ousting Edwin van der Sar.
3 Wayne Rooney is back! Was he ever away? Anyway, Fergie has predicted a big season from the England star and he made a promising start as he ran at defenders in a way he didn’t seem confident enough to do at times last season.

Edwin van der Sar was the star of the show as Manchester United lifted the first silverware of the season. The Dutch keeper saved three consecutive Chelsea penalties to win the Community Shield for his side in a shootout. The game had finished 1-1, with Ryan Giggs giving United the lead and Chelsea new boy Florent Malouda equalising with a neat finish. Van der Sar then saved from Claudio Pizarro, Frank Lampard and Shaun Wright Phillips in the shootout.