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Who ate all the pies

Dip in to scour the latest Deadline Day titbits...

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Sometimes as a defender you have to acknowledge that you were beaten by a better, quicker and younger player and be gracious in defeat. Alternatively, you could simply tug the player back by his genitals. Rooney never takes his eye of his balls. Prostitute Charlotte Glover once told the Sunday Mirror that her twin sister was “starstruck with Wayne and asked if she could touch his willy, so that she could say she had held Rooney’Â’s manhood”. We can only assume Mellberg felt the same way!

Don’t ask us why he’s wearing a swimming cap… Who ate all the pies? This gutted Leicester City fan, by the look of him. And all the pasties, crisps and biscuits too. [Spotted on The Offside] Photo Getty Images

West Ham mercenary offered hand relief by Man Utd starlet? I wouldn’t want to share a prison shower with Nani or Carlos Tevez. Not on this evidence. Still, Lucas seems to be enjoying it, and that’s what counts.

Promoted Potters will be new worst team in Premier League history So, congratulations to Stoke City, who get to replace Derby County as the Premier League’s gimp. Jon Parkin, Richard Creswell, Rory Delap, Leon Cort: these Stoke lads, journeymen through and through, clearly have what it takes to go one better than the Rams and […]

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Here at Who Ate All The Pies we really love our surveys. Yep, we love nothing better than coming up with questions, wading through your responses, chuckling at your witty replies (well, sometimes) and generally finding out what you really think.

To the football purist, Rangers are a nightmare. Walter Smith’s men play a game that is often cautious, set piece-based and defensive-minded. Lionel Messi accused them of playing “anti-football”, and in as much as Rangers are aware of their shortcomings and realise that the best way to win is to stifle and frustrate the opposition, […]

Pies celebrates the homoerotic side of the beautiful game What a lovely couple they make, in their matching tight t-shirts! And just how close must Vieri’s penis be to Maldini’s sculpted gluteus maximus? Christian, in particular, looks smitten. If you see any pics suitable for our new Football Gaydar feature, let us know by leaving […]

Walter Smith’s men can still win quadruple Congrats to Rangers, who reached the Uefa Cup final with a penalty shootout win against Fiorentina in Italy last night. Walter Smith’s team might have buckled and were lucky not to concede on several occasions, but you have to admire their resilience. However, Fiorentina coach Cesare Prandelli said […]

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Old man of Italian football takes control of the Republic of Ireland “They told me to hold up this scarf and look confused… how I’m doing so far?” At least Trap spoke English at the press conference to unveil him as boss of the Irish national team. Which is more than Steve Staunton ever did. […]

We have a new contender for our top comedy penalty misses. First of all, the penalty taker makes Gareth Southgate look positively clinical with his weak effort. Then as he attempts to do better with the rebound, he suddenly finds himself eating goalpost.

Crazed commentator Ray Hudson got overexcited even by his standards when Real Madrid goalkeeper Iker Casillas (his favourite man in the whole wide world) saves a penalty from Athletic Bilbao’s Joseba Garmendia. Given that Garmendia looks like he is about to have a nervous breakdown before taking the kick he was never likely to score really.

Arsenal striker Emmanuel Adebayor (right) celebrates with team-mate Emmanuel Eboue after scoring the eighth goal of the game, thereby completing his hat-trick. The win ensures that Arsenal will finish the season in at least third place – they could still win the league, if Chelsea and Man Utd can get no more than one point […]

Avram Grant celebrates on the touchline after his Chelsea side beat Man Utd 2-1 at Stamford Bridge, a result that keeps the Premier League title race alive.

This some what dubious video shows former footballer and outspokenTalksport presenter Alan Brazil under arrest for drink driving and providing a breathalyser test. While the ethics of this video are debatable, the humour is undoubted. One of the highlights: “Do you think I’m pissed? Do you think I’m a danger? I’m behind you guys – I’m not pissed.” The ex-Ipswich man was found guilty and banned from driving for 20 months.

Did I say mean? I meant absolutely shit – this is so embarrassing you have to watch it with fingers in your ears, to prevent exposure to a woeful Jamaican/Geordie accent.

The basic premise of this new Pepsi advert is that lots of different people are asked to design their own football-related commercial. The results include Cesc Fabregas dashing round playing guitar while dressed as Indiana Jones, and Frank Lampard eating (no suprise there, you might think) and attempting volleys while dressed as a ninja.

PSV’s players celebrate winning this season’s Eredivisie at the weekend, thanks to a 1-0 win at Vitesse Arnhem. Sef Vergoossen’s side just needed a draw to secure the championship, but won thanks to Danko Lazovic’s goal. Photo Bruno Press/Bruno Press/PA Photos

This video is absolutely stomach-churning. Hadjuk Split’s Mladen Pelaic had his season brought to an abrupt end (and looking at the injury he will be lucky to make it back in time for the start of next season) by a lunge from Cibalia’s Mario Andricevic. Pelaic, aged 24, is left with a leg much more bendy and shapeable than it ought to be. In fact, at one point the lower half of his shin seems to be flat against the floor while the upper half remains upright.

For the second time in a week, David Beckham has attended an LA Lakers game. The first time, he hung out with racing drivers; he was also caught sneaking a look at a cheerleader’s arse. On Sunday, he took sons Brooklyn and Romeo along to see the Lakers defeat the Denver Nuggets 128-114 in Game […]

In which King Kahn, or Genghis Khan, or whatever nickname you wish to bestow on him, bites the neck of Dortmund’s Heiko Herrlich. The incident happened during a title decider between Bayern Munich and Borussia Dortmund in 1999. Dortmund raced into a 2-0 lead but Kahn’s moment of vampire-inspired madness stung Bayern into life and […]

Fortunately for Kevin Ellison, the referee doesn’t even know what day it is never mind who has just blasted the ball into his head. And cheeky chappy Ellison then signals for the official to be substituted.

Ah, you can never start a rivalry too young… Here, Sofia Nati of Germany is tackled by Leah Galton of England during yesterday’s U15 women’s International friendly match between England and Germany at The National Sports Centre in Bisham Abbey, England. I have looked everywhere online for the result but can’t find it – if […]

Remember when little old Def Leppard, from Sheffield, were the biggest rock band in the world? It’s true, they were. Here are the lads, all three of them bona fide Horror Hair candidates, promoting the beautiful game of soccerball in the States…