An idiot’s guide to goal celebrations courtesy of a man with a dodgy Russian accent and a funny hat. Apparently the man is Rudi Latka and this is part of his Soccer School series of spoof tuition videos.

ITV’s 21st century answer to Spitting Image started this weekend. In this sketch, Fabio Capello learns the dangers of relying on the FA translator.

“Please, sir, I want some more goals.” “Sorry, Andrei, you’ve scored one now give your team-mates a chance.” And he did. After Arshavin’s opener, Zenit St Petersburg went onto beat Bayer Leverkusen 1-4 in the Uefa Cup last night.

Throughout history there have always been players who have proved that size doesn’t necessarily matter – just think Diego Maradona. They might not win every physical battle against an oversized centre forward but there are advantages of being small including a low centre of gravity that brings excellent ball control and pace to burn.
They may be short on size but that hasn’t stopped them making a big impression on the Premier League’s land of giants.

As the only Premier League side left in the FA Cup, the pressure is on Harry Redknapp to take Portsmouth all the way and win his first major trophy.
But they’ll have to beat a decent West Brom side at Wembley first and we’ve already seen a season of shocks in the Cup – will Old ‘Arry do it?

David Beckham clipped home his first MLS goal in the ninth minute of LA Galaxy’s match against San Jose Earthquakes last night. Becks also set up Galaxy’s second goal for Landon Donovan.

English fans might have a lingering hooligan reputation, but the majority of my countrymen can watch a five-a-side game without it all kicking off. Sadly in Brazil things are not so straightforward. A futsal match between São Paulo rivals Palmeiras and Corinthians this week ended in an eight-minute brawl between fans and police. Crazy scenes.

Columbia’s craziest goalkeeper may have recently reinvented his look by way of extensive plastic surgery but back in the day he had more Soul Glow than Eddie Murphy’s deluded lounge singer in Coming to America

We’re not sure about anyone else but the site of seeing Alan Shearer’s ever-receding hairline when we sit down to watch Match of the Day is starting to wear thin – has anyone been so determined to stave off baldness since Bobby Charlton and his combover?

So far our construction of the Premier League’s team of the season has had a distinctly Arsenal flavour to it with no less than four young Gunners claiming the first seven positions.
Arsenal’s attacking full-backs Gael Clichy and Bacary Sagna flank a defence featuring with Nemanja Vidic and Rio Ferdinand in middle and David James in goal – while the silk and steel partnership of Cesc Fabregas and Mathieu Flamini makes up the Pies’ readers midfield.
But, we don’t think that the right wing slot will be contested by an Arsenal player or anyone else not wearing the No. 7 shirt at Man United this season – is it a foregone conclusion?

No, it is not a team-building exercise but a commercial for Mercedes Benz. The German squad take on the Matterhorn in this mock silent movie. The cheesy subtitles read: “A difficult path lies ahead of you. But you won’t take it alone.”

When I heard Colin Kazim-Richards was moving to Fenerbahce last summer I expected him to return to England within a matter of months with his tail between his legs to join a lower league English club. But no, the man who was once bought by Brighton with money won in a Coca Cola competition is now a fully-fledged Turkish international and Champions League goalscorer.

The Hungarian league is staking an unlikely claim to be the best league in the world for ridiculous own goals. Just days after we brought you this effort from Jan Durica, we have uncovered this startlingly similar effort from Tibor Takody.

Man United’s Rio Ferdinand was sporting what looked like an impressive pair of shiners during the game against Roma last night – apparently they were caused by a knock against Villa at the weekend.
The look resembles London Zoo’s most famous Panda bear, Chi Chi – and they say ball playing defenders are an endangered species too.

This advertisement offers a fresh perspective on the danger posed to football by armchair fans!

“I am convinced that in one month I will be able to speak the language and it will not be a problem.”
Those were the words spoken by Don Fabio (albeit in his native Italian) when he first arrived in England at the tail end of last year – but more than three months later and we’re still listening to him through his dour faced translator.

You wouldn’t need a forensics expert to determine the glaring similarities between these two – surely Birmingham’s Scottish manager and Miami’s crime scene investigator were separated at birth?

Brazilian coach Wanderly (or Vanderlei) Luxemburgo loves nothing better than to chomp on a tasty fly. In fact the Palmeiras coach munched his way through one of his favourite insects during a recent interview. Here is the ex-Real Madrid boss eating a fly.

I think Becks summed it up best himself when he announced (approx. 10 seconds into this video): “It’s painful.” Ever wished you were a fly-on-the-wall of a love-in between David Beckham and Mia Hamm. No, me neither but what can you do? There is ego massaging aplenty!

The scythe has been Photoshopped in. The scary Grim Reaper lookalike with the black hood is genuine!

They may be living the dream as millionaire footballers but that doesn’t mean that they can escape every man’s mid-life concern of losing their hair.
Thankfully the days of the ‘Bobby Charlton comb over’ have disappeared and today’s players seem more willing to whip it all off at the first sign of any recession up top – Alan Shearer please take note!
The Premier League is awash with bald bonces so we’ve put together a first XI of follically challenged players who have gone through the ‘hair today, gone tomorrow’ experience…

David Beckham’s heir apparent to the England team still has to prove he has the balls for the big stage, especially after receiving a clattering during the weekend.

Cristiano Ronaldo’s impudent back heel nutmeg against Villa at the weekend must be a surefire contender for goal of the season.
It takes a special type of player to pull of a move like that and the only other goals we can remember that have come close in quality have been scored from the illustrious boots of Thierry Henry and Gianfranco Zola.

This is one of the best own goals I have seen in ages! Firstly, a little information on the setting for this momentous blunder. Fehervar had beaten champions Debrecen 2-1 in the first leg of this cup tie. The champs had got themselves back on top by taking a 2-0 lead in the second leg before Fehervar pulled a goal back. The underdogs were happily holding out for extra time when they conceded a penalty. The penalty was actually saved but defender Jan Durica curled the rebound into the top corner for a truly bizarre own goal.

Poor old Gordon Strachan is really under the kosh at the minute. His Celtic side have seemingly lost their SPL title to Rangers, they lost the Old Firm derby 1-0 and now Setanta Sports cameras have caught him whistling along to Rangers anthem Follow, Follow.