Here is Little Britain’s Matt Lucas in his previous incarnation as lounge singer George Dawes on Shooting Stars singing a little easy listening ditty called Football. Send that punk off the pitch, bitch.

Fifth division outfit Carquefou pulled off a huge shock in the French Cup this week as they dumped Marseille out of the competition. The winning goal in the 1-0 victory was scored by Senegalese midfielder Papa Idrissa N’Doye.

Mido’s eye-high lunge at Gael Clichy last weekend wasn’t the Egyptian’s first nasty challenge. This horrific tackle came in a supposed friendly match. It would be a nasty challenge whoever had made it, but with Mido’s weight behind it… ouch!

As you might have see, we’ve been asking Pies’ readers to pick their team of the season by voting for players in each position.
So far, the back four is sorted with David James in goal, Arsenal’s Bacary Sagna and Gael Clichy covering the flanks and a partnership of Ferdinand and Vidic in the middle. Now it’s time to select the creatives, starting with a midfield playmaker.

Fabio Capello has just announced his second squad selection to face France in next week’s friendly. A recall for old Goldenballs is the biggest story, although Capello hasn’t revealed if he’ll be wearing the captain’s armband for his 100th cap – or even starting.
Among the other five new faces missing from the first dquad are Chelsea’s John Terry and Frank Lampard while Jermaine Defoe and a long awaited return for Theo Walcott should add some pace to the squad. The biggest surprise is Middlesbrough’s young central defender David Wheater, although there’s a long pecking order in that position.
So, from the 30 players that Don Fabio has chosen – who would be the first eleven names on your team sheet?

Don Fabio is still auditioning for the role of captain of the England team as he prepares to announce his selection for only his second game in charge – next week’s friendly against Thierry Henry and co.
Steven Gerrard was given the armband in his first match but there are rumours that Capello agrees with most in that Gerrard is a different capatain at club level than he is with the Three Lions on his shirt.

Standard Liege goalkeeper Rorys Aragon Espinosa relived Rene Higuita’s scorpion kick with his own attempt in a match against Gent. The Ecuadorian didn’t quite get the same contact as Higuita, but the ball didn’t fly into the net so I suppose it has to go down as a successful save. I don’t know too much about this guy and you probably don’t either, so check out his MySpace. It’s a veritable who’s who of Ecuadorian football!

This Snapshot shows Chelsea manager Glenn Hoddle unveiling new signing Ruud Gullit in June 1995.

The latest installment of the Rubber One’s television phone-in show features Sven Goran Eriksson dressed as a pimp and some cracking line from David Beckham. Need I say more?

Keegan has been banging on about so-called ‘six-pointers’ but in the end he had to settle with sharing the points as his Newcastle side drew 1-1 with Birmingham last night.
The good news on Tyneside is that Michael Owen scored with a typical poachers goal after Obafemi Martins shot was blocked – can Owen go on to repay the Geordies faith by scoring the goals to keep them up?

In recent weeks we’ve been asking Pies’ readers to vote for the best players in their positions to make up our own Premier League team of the season.
So far you’ve gone for the enduring David James in goal while the attacking merits of Arsenal’s Bacary Sagna and Gael Clichy have sewn up the full-back positions – but who’s going to compliment their silky skills with some steel in the centre of defence?

Roy Keane can’t have made too many friends from officials during his playing career and, with some of the appalling decisions made against his Sunderland team since he returned to the Premier League as a manager, maybe his early behaviour has come back to haunt him.

Now that the quarterfinal draw for the Champions League has been made with teams separated into opposite halves, fans who prefer not to ‘take one game at a time’ will be analysing various permutations to predict this season’s final.

here isn’t a single English striker in the Premier League’s top ten scorers this season – and two of only three national players to score double figures, Lampard and Gerrard, are midfielders by trade.
That must be giving Don Fabio some cause for concern, especially since Wayne Rooney seems to struggle as a lone striker and he apparently doesn’t rate Michael Owen. His other choices look limited to big team players who spend most of their time on the bench such as Peter Crouch or gambling on someone who is impressing for a smaller team a la Jermaine Defoe.
Click through to vote for who you think is England’s best striking option.

We knew that there would be at least one all-English tie in the Champions League quarterfinals and Arsenal will play Liverpool for the first time in the competition – with the winner likely to meet Chelsea in the semis.
Both teams impressed by beating the best that Milan could offer in the previous round but who will prevail on home soil?

Some people took David Beckham’s move from Real Madrid to LA Galaxy as a fall from grace and a sign that he was past his best. But Becks has always made his marketing profile equally as important as his career on the pitch. What then are we to make of the fact that the face of Adidas, Vodafone and Brylcreem is now flogging “vee Omeegah free fish oils” of Go3?

This least flattering of lookalikes comes courtesy of none other than Ian Wright who revealed on a radio show yesterday that Fulham’s inspiration, Jamie Bullard, was nicknamed ‘Mask’ when they played together at West Ham – cruel but true…

The Pies’ Premier League team of the season is shaping up quite nicely with readers voting for the ageless experience of Portsmouth’s David James in goal while Bacary Sagna’s seamless integration into the Arsenal team has made him your first choice right-back.
Now, we’re turning to the opposite defensive flank to find who has been the best left-back in the Premier League this season. As far as we can see the Big Four clubs have the best players sewn up in this position – although Pompey’s Herman Hreidarsson and West Ham’s George McCartney haven’t done badly and Gareth Bale impressed before injury. But who’s been the pick of the bunch?

It would have been a great story: Inter Milan boss Roberto Mancini brings himself on as a substitute in a last-ditch attempt to score against Liverpool. Sadly this wasn’t a desperate man’s last throw of the dice but the Italian legend taking part in Inter’s centenary celebration friendly match a couple of days earlier.

It seems that every time Liverpool start to perform on the pitch, another problem arises off it to put them off their stride. The Reds have been embroiled in a takeover battle between their American owners and interested Arabs for most of the season – and the latest bout could threaten their Champions League hopes.

These crazy scenes come from Colombia and the Cali derby between Deportivo and America on Saturday. With Deportivo winning 1-0 a riot broke out in the stands. Police moved in prompting referee Wilmer Roldan to abandon the match on 82 minutes. Being the consummate professionals they are, the America players did the only thing the could and chased the referee off the pitch. Meanwhile, America coach Diego Umana was busy punching Cali boss Daniel Carreno. Around 60 fans had to be treated for injuries. And rumours today claim police are working on a theory that the full-scale riot was started by a jealous boyfriend angry that his girlfriend was flirting with another man!

He may have scored 40 goals for his country but, as Don Fabio has already shown, reputations count for nothing under his new England regime – just ask Becks.
Owen only just made Capello’s first England squad but was snubbed against Switzerland with suggestions that he was only fourth in the strikers pecking order – and his Newcastle form hasn’t exactly strengthened a case for inclusion.
Will he make it back into Capello’s first team plans?

After this weekend’s giant killing exploits in the FA Cup, there will only be one top flight team (Portsmouth) in the semi-finals for the first time in a century – and it’s been 33 years since the final last lacked one of the big clubs from United, Chelsea, Arsenal, Liverpool, Spurs and even Everton.
While we all enjoyed the so-called ‘romance of the FA Cup’ dumping out the big teams, does it mean that the competition is now more important to the smaller clubs?

We’re continuing our search for the best players plying their trade in the Premier League this season – as chosen by Pies’ readers.
So far, 23% of you have slightly surprisingly named David James as the league’s best goalkeeper – and that was before Portsmouth put Man United out of the FA Cup. Now it’s time to turn our attention to the defence in front of him and first up is the right-back slot.

There are, it seems, numerous ways for football fans to channel the adrenaline generated by an FA Cup shock or two. For one pumped-up Barnsley fan, a YouTube montage in the style of a film trailer for 300 seemed like the most appropriate course of action. Enjoy.