Newcastle return to top of the Championship with ‘ugly win’

Newcastle welcome naming rights offers for stadium. Make YOUR offer…

Shhh. Don’t speak. Words will only spoil the moment

Poor Steven Taylor, stuck in the Championship while all the cool kids have fun in the Premier League. He has even started sitting on walls, looking moodily into the distance. It’s a worrying sign. Several Prem clubs are reportedly interested in rescuing the stout Englishman from Newcastle United, namely Aston Villa, Fulham and Everton. Villa [...]

One draw and two wins now for Newcastle, who move up to third in the Championship table. Shola Ameobi’s fourth goal in two games was enough to sink the Owls at St James’ Park. The game was watched by almost 44,000 fans – that’s a massively impressive attendance for a Championship match on a Wednesday [...]

Newcastle fan George Wright, 45, has got a big ole’ tattoo of Sir Bobby Robson’s face inked on his left thigh: What, a minute’s silence and a raised pint wasn’t enough for you, George? Now it’s like Sir Bob is chuckling at your cock. For the rest of your life. Newcastle fans really do put [...]

They got the badge wrong… Aaah… what’s that?… Oh. Sorry. My mistake. Seriously though, it still looks weird to see a non-Premier League badge on a Newcastle kit. I’m sure I’ll get used to it though.

Simple, classy? Er, no… Click on the image to launch the gallery:

Like a Geoff Thomas shot, musical parodies often miss the mark – but this works perfectly, not just because Mark Viduka’s name fits the chorus to Leonard Cohen’s ‘Hallelujah’ perfectly, but because it’s funny that anyone would choose such an inconsistent, mercurial player as Viduka to song-worship.

There seems to be some confusion over the identity of Newcastle Utd’s next manager. The Daily Mail claimed earlier that Joke Innear has been asked to return to his former job as the Toon’s gaffer. This story was picked up by other newspapers and a few blogs too. But the Guardian claims that Kinnear has [...]

Two very ugly men with wonky faces and indisputably shit hair. That is all. ‘Nuff respect to Pies reader Kit Sheppard, who emailed us with this fine suggestion. Think you can do better than Kit? Email Pies with your lookalike(s).

If you can’t sleep, watch this video: Either Taylor is so thick and humourless he doesn’t even know what a sitcom is (unless he mishears the question, in which case he’s still thick and humourless); nor does he have any concept of the phrase ‘guilty pleasure’. Jesus Christ on a bicycle. When the Newcastle defender [...]

An official statement from Milan confirmed the news that Gooch is on his way to Italy: “AC Milan announces the signing on a permanent deal of defender Oguchi Onyewu from Standard Liege. The player has signed a contract with AC Milan through 30 June 2012.” This is massive news for Gooch, obviously, but it’s also [...]

When do I wake up? The small print: Owen has signed a two-year, performance-related deal. Fergie reacted to the signing by lying saying, “Michael is a world-class forward with a proven goalscoring record at the highest level.” Liverpool fans, how does this photo make you feel? Look at it! Look at Mickey, look at how [...]

Get me a rum and coke NOW. I’m on a roll… Fergie seems willing to overlook Michael Owen’s appalling injury record, unlike Big Sam, who wasn’t prepared to take a risk on signing a player who might not be able to give Blackburn at least 30 games next season. I understand Allardyce’s argument - he has [...]

I’m out. That is all. [@ 101GreatGoals]

My name is Michael Owen. I am aspirational, charismatic and fully fit, I promise. It’s great to be back in red, representing a world-class brand I know Fergie is a pensioner, but what the dickens is he doing rummaging around in the charity-shop cassette basket? Michael Owen is wanted by Hull and Stoke; the champions [...]

I didn’t think Newcastle Utd could do anything more to shore up their status as the biggest laughing stock in British football, but then I didn’t count on their new away kit, which is frankly hilarious/eye-burningly vile. Two shades of yellow? Mmmm, delicious. Someone at Adidas obviously has a wicked sense of humour, especially given [...]

Place your bets… All bets are off on Kaka and Cristiano Ronaldo, but there are still many star names whose futures remain unclear. Join Pies for a game of Transfer Roulette:

“Were it not for an unhappy spell at Real Madrid and two injury-scarred years at Newcastle, he would be spoken about in the same breath as Torres and Ronaldo and valued in the priceless figures that only match-winning goalscorers ever justify.” This is perhaps the best quote from a 30-page begging letter brochure, produced by [...]

The Daily Express, that bastion of quality journalism, has awarded substantial damages to Little Mickey Owen. The Express paid (an undisclosed amount) for an article it published on its back page last month, titled “Unwanted Toon striker at a cross roads, Finished at 29?” Another piece ran with the headline “Owen ready for sad finale”. [...]

I thought this would be more enjoyable Like many neutral fans, I really wanted Newcastle to go down – because I knew it would be very enjoyable to see such a “massive” (translation: deluded) club drop down to the Championship, where they would face ingnominious, reality-check trips to outposts like Doncaster, Plymouth and Swansea. And [...]

Who do you want to go down? And who do you think will go down? “Ah, I’ve made a right balls-up of this…” West Brom (definitely) and Boro (99% certain) are down, but which one from Newcastle Utd, Hull City and Sunderland will join them in the Championship next season? Vote after the jump…