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Who ate all the pies

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Newcastle Utd

Newcastle United: All the latest Newcastle United flavoured news, views, rumours and other assorted bits and bobs

Like a Geoff Thomas shot, musical parodies often miss the mark – but this works perfectly, not just because Mark Viduka’s name fits the chorus to Leonard Cohen’s ‘Hallelujah’ perfectly, but because it’s funny that anyone would choose such an inconsistent, mercurial player as Viduka to song-worship.

Two very ugly men with wonky faces and indisputably shit hair. That is all. ‘Nuff respect to Pies reader Kit Sheppard, who emailed us with this fine suggestion. Think you can do better than Kit? Email Pies with your lookalike(s).

If you can’t sleep, watch this video: Either Taylor is so thick and humourless he doesn’t even know what a sitcom is (unless he mishears the question, in which case he’s still thick and humourless); nor does he have any concept of the phrase ‘guilty pleasure’. Jesus Christ on a bicycle. When the Newcastle defender […]

An official statement from Milan confirmed the news that Gooch is on his way to Italy: “AC Milan announces the signing on a permanent deal of defender Oguchi Onyewu from Standard Liege. The player has signed a contract with AC Milan through 30 June 2012.” This is massive news for Gooch, obviously, but it’s also […]

When do I wake up? The small print: Owen has signed a two-year, performance-related deal. Fergie reacted to the signing by lying saying, “Michael is a world-class forward with a proven goalscoring record at the highest level.” Liverpool fans, how does this photo make you feel? Look at it! Look at Mickey, look at how […]

Get me a rum and coke NOW. I’m on a roll… Fergie seems willing to overlook Michael Owen’s appalling injury record, unlike Big Sam, who wasn’t prepared to take a risk on signing a player who might not be able to give Blackburn at least 30 games next season. I understand Allardyce’s argument - he has […]

I’m out. That is all. [@ 101GreatGoals]

My name is Michael Owen. I am aspirational, charismatic and fully fit, I promise. It’s great to be back in red, representing a world-class brand I know Fergie is a pensioner, but what the dickens is he doing rummaging around in the charity-shop cassette basket? Michael Owen is wanted by Hull and Stoke; the champions […]

I didn’t think Newcastle Utd could do anything more to shore up their status as the biggest laughing stock in British football, but then I didn’t count on their new away kit, which is frankly hilarious/eye-burningly vile. Two shades of yellow? Mmmm, delicious. Someone at Adidas obviously has a wicked sense of humour, especially given […]

Place your bets… All bets are off on Kaka and Cristiano Ronaldo, but there are still many star names whose futures remain unclear. Join Pies for a game of Transfer Roulette:

“Were it not for an unhappy spell at Real Madrid and two injury-scarred years at Newcastle, he would be spoken about in the same breath as Torres and Ronaldo and valued in the priceless figures that only match-winning goalscorers ever justify.” This is perhaps the best quote from a 30-page begging letter brochure, produced by […]

The Daily Express, that bastion of quality journalism, has awarded substantial damages to Little Mickey Owen. The Express paid (an undisclosed amount) for an article it published on its back page last month, titled “Unwanted Toon striker at a cross roads, Finished at 29?” Another piece ran with the headline “Owen ready for sad finale”. […]

I thought this would be more enjoyable Like many neutral fans, I really wanted Newcastle to go down – because I knew it would be very enjoyable to see such a “massive” (translation: deluded) club drop down to the Championship, where they would face ingnominious, reality-check trips to outposts like Doncaster, Plymouth and Swansea. And […]

Who do you want to go down? And who do you think will go down? “Ah, I’ve made a right balls-up of this…” West Brom (definitely) and Boro (99% certain) are down, but which one from Newcastle Utd, Hull City and Sunderland will join them in the Championship next season? Vote after the jump…

Boo, life’s not fair Happier days for West Brom’s skipper 1. Jonathan Greening (West Bromwich Albion) West Brom’s bearded captain, who never quite made the grade at Man Utd, has been the driving force for his team this season. His mental strength is admirable (his head rarely drops), and he can play a bit too. […]

Fergie set to play reserve team against Hull A couple of points to scare Newcastle fans ahead of this weekend’s crunch relegation battle: 1) Sir Alex Ferguson is mates with Phil Brown, Hull’s boss. Hull play Man Utd in their final game. 2) With the Champions League Final on 27 May, and the league title […]

The tabloids claim that Joey Barton had a huge bust-up with Alan Shearer after Newcastle’s 3-0 defeat at Anfield on Sunday. Barton was sent off for a mindless tackle (not the first time I’ve started a sentence in that way) on Xabi Alonso, prompting Shearer to break out the hairdryer after the match. Barton wasn’t having any of it though.

Man Utd play Boro this lunchtime, but it won’t be a full-strength United who run out at the Riverside. Alex Ferguson has said he will rotate his squad, so one of Cristiano Ronaldo and Wayne Rooney will be absent from the starting XI, possibly both. Kiko Macheda might start in Ronaldo’s place, for example.

Perm + big nose = twins

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Monday’s football brunch Steven Gerrard enjoys some groin love [The Spoiler] Man City boss Mark Hughes furious after Thaskin Shinawatra tries to sell Vedran Corluka and Stephen Ireland behind his back [Mirror] Arsene Wenger will be without injured Abou Diaby (thigh strain) for at least the first month of the season [Mail] Video highlights from […]

Fab Horror Hair stylings from the curly Argentine

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I just called to say… those sunglasses went out of fashion in about 1990

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Friday’s fattiest scraps from the table we call “football” Wayne Rooney questioned by police after allegedly spitting at a paparazzo [Mirror] Lucky Steve McLaren, eh – his FC Twente team drew Arsenal in the Champions League. Check out the full draw over at the BBC Boris Johnson spotted shopping for Arsenal merchandise. He also signed […]

Newcastle’s latest French centre-back…

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