You. Shall. Not. Pass

Italian glamour model with clothes phobia? You’ve come to the right place…

Jose Mourinho likes the look of Bordeaux playmaker

Pies advises you watch this immediately

Cottagers stitched up in Italy

The Chaaaaaaaaaaaaaampions

Fergie wants imposing Italian as replacement for Van der Sar

Goofy Brazilian eats a fat slice of FAIL pie

Milan keeper back in credit after match-winning save

Brazilian reveals who’s packing trouser heat at AC Milan

Dodgy Brazilian keeper up to his old tricks

Mourinho 1-0 All other football managers

A few hours ago, Alberto Aquilani touched down at Heathrow. Pies was there, camera in hand, to snap the Italian. He giggled like a girl. Too many G&Ts on the flight perhaps?

Plenty of transfer toss to consider today, but by far the most interesting rumour comes straight from the big mouth of Ian Wright. The Arsenal goalscoring legend claims that Paddy Vieira may be set for a second stint under Arsene Wenger. Speaking on his TalkSport radio show, Wrighty said: “I’m hearing Vieira, pay-as-you-play back at [...]

Diego showed wonderful poise in the penalty area to score on his Juventus debut, in the Italian team’s Peace Cup match against Seongnam of Korea. This is the sort of ability he showed regularly in the Bundesliga for Werder Bremen: Expert finish, eh. Juve won the match 3-0 and now face Real Madrid in what [...]

I still think Inter got a terrific deal in getting Samuel Eto’o plus a stack of cash for Zlatan, but have to admit Ibra looks great in Barca’s kit. A front line of Henry, Zlatan and Messi is scary as hell, and the sort of forward trio you’d only dream about playing in a videogame.

Barcelona’s Samuel Eto’o and Inter’s Zlatan Ibrahimovic are set to trade places, presumably because there is no dressing room in the world that could contain their twin egos.

Simple, classy? Er, no… Click on the image to launch the gallery:

From today’s Mirror: “Sir Alex Ferguson is weighing up a move for Inter Milan striker Zlatan Ibrahimovic. Manchester United boss Fergie, who yesterday completed the £3.5million signing of Bordeaux winger Gabriel Obertan, has missed out on several of his top targets to replace Cristiano Ronaldo. Lyon striker Karim Benzema opted to join Real Madrid, while [...]

Felipe Melo, who looked very good at the heart of Brazil’s midfield in the recent Confed Cup, is off to Juventus, not north London. He has agreed a deal in principle to move to Juve for around £17.5m (Fiorentina, Melo’s current club, also get winger Marco Marchionni as part of the deal, though Marchionni appears [...]

Juventus’s new home kit features black and white stripes, as usual. Juventus’s new away kit features, er, black and white stripes, albeit on a grey background. I thought the whole point about an away kit is that it’s supposed to be distinctly different from the home version? I know that Juventus’s home kit has white [...]

You know how hard it is to PhotoShop Crouchy’s head onto stuff? Harder than you’d think – he has a strange-shaped head (and a strange-shaped body, for that matter) This can’t be right. Owen to Man Yoo and now a rumour saying Crouchinho is a target for Milan. Has planet football gone bat-shit crazy overnight? [...]

The final group kicks off today… Zlatan Ibrahimovic v Rio Ferdinand (Group G) Extremely cocky attacker v extremely metrosexual defender. Who you got? Vote below: