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Transfers & Rumours

Transfer Rumours: Football is awash with gossip, hogwash, tittle tattle and rumours and we’ll dutifully round them all up here for you and assess them in our own wry, irreverent way.

The world’s best referee (© Graham Poll) Graham Poll is retiring from / has been hounded out of football. The official has had his resignation accepted by the Professional Game Match Officials. His last game will be the auspicious Euro 2008 qualifier between Finland and Belgium next week.

BaleGareth.jpgSpurs are on the verge of pulling off a bit of a transfer coup with Southampton youngster Gareth Bale reportedly undergoing a medical at White Hart Lane. The Welsh wonderkid had also been linked with a move to both Manchester United and Arsenal, but Spurs seem to have beaten them to it. The 17-year-old left-back turned down a £10 million move to White Hart Lane in the January transfer window, but was widely tipped to move on in the summer.

The worst kept secret in football since Jose Mourinho and Ashley Cole thought they would get a quiet cuppa together has at last being confirmed. Reading midfielder Steve Sidwell will be sidling his way to Stamford Bridge quicker than you can say Jean-Marc Bosman.

52979752.jpgAC Milan boss Carlo Ancelotti has accused Steven Gerrard of talking ‘bollocks’ ahead of tomorrow’s Champions League final in Athens. Gerrard famously claimed Milan prematurely celebrated victory at half-time in the 2005 final when they led Liverpool 3-0.

Brazilian legend (in the world of partying if not football) Romario has bagged his 1,000th goal, or so he claims. While he had a jubilant 15-minute celebration to mark the occasion, the feat was a little tainted by the fact that the veteran striker use the Pele method of goal-tallying. Under this technique, pre-season goals, youth team goals and thunderous strikes against a hapless nephew in the back garden all count towards your total. Here is the momentous occasion, which came courtesy of a penalty.

gordon.jpgThe weekend papers linked Heart goalkeeper Craig Gordon with a move to Manchester United. If there is any truth in the rumours, the likes of Thomas Kuszczak and Ben Foster must be scratching their heads. Edwin van der Sar remains one of the best keepers in the Premiership; Kuszczak has never really let them down when he has stepped in and Ben Foster is pushing to be England’s number one.

pie_footy_203x152.jpgScience boffins have found that each fan at tomorrow’s FA Cup final will leave an eco-footprint 10 times the size of that of a fan watching the game at home. And the main reason for this? The humble half-time pie and beer apparently. Andrea Collins of Cardiff University said: “They are highly processed food and drink products which require a lot of energy to produce.”

jensen_claus_ffc_profile_2006.jpgIf only all footballers were as principled as Claus Jensen, who refused a one-year contract extension at Fulham because he didn’t like the long-ball philosophy of new boss Lawrie Sanchez.

ripoff_image_large.gifFootball365 has alerted us to some of the outrageous prices for this weekend’s FA Cup final. They write:

sifia%20loren.jpg72581211.jpgNapoli fans can ‘look forward’ (or politely avert their gaze) to a striptease by 72-year-old Hollywood icon Sofia Loren if the team are promoted to Serie A this season. As you may have guessed, Loren is a big fan of Napoli. She’s also 72, for God’s sake – admittedly she doesn’t look like any 72-year-old women I know, but still, it’s not an appealing prospect. A 22-year-old Loren? Now you’re talking.

Ronaldo’s tux must be worn out by now. And how much of a suck-ass is Jim ‘face of a Medieval gargoyle’ Rosenthal?

mourinho_unhappy.jpgChelsea boss Jose Mourinho has been arrested and cautioned for obstructing police officers who tried to quarantine his pet Yorkshire terrier. The Special One dashed away from Chelsea’s end of season awards ceremony after receiving a phone call from his wife saying police had arrived to take the dog away. Officials feared the dog had been taken abroad, then back to Britain, without jabs.

juju.jpgTwo Malawain sides played a game of 10-a-side amid fears that voodoo magic could be at work. The entire second half of the match between Moyale Barracks and Dwangwa United was played with both teams a man light. The concerns started before the game when Dwangwa’s Winter Mpota waited for all the Moyale players to step onto the pitch before entering the field of play himself.

And in other news, dog bites man. It has hardly come as a surprise, but Big Sam Allardyce has officially been confirmed as the new manager of Newcastle United. The former Bolton boss has signed a three-year deal at St James’ Park.

pearce.jpgDoes the Monday craziness never end? First Paul Jewell keeps WIgan up but then he resigns. Now Man City, who finished four points above the relegation zone, have sacked Stuart Pearce! What does this mean for out-of-work managers like Iain Dowie, Chris Coleman and the mighty Sven? It means their agents will be straight on the phone to Man City, that’s what.

Clock%20Sign.jpgThe season is over (bar the FA Cup final, playoffs and Champions League final) but we’d like to reassure all readers that Pies will continue to post scurrilous transfer rumours, mildly amusing YouTube videos, shit lookalikes, hot WAG news and much much more throughout the summer – we’re not going anywhere, and we hope you don’t either. I’d like to offer a massive thanks to all our readers, who have helped Pies’ increasing success. We couldn’t have done it without you, so give yourselves a big pat on the back. Next season we may even challenge for Europe…

Sir Bobby Charlton pulls back the drapes on the new statue of Sir Bobby Moore, situated outside the new Wembley Stadium. Outgoing PM Tony Blair was also in attendance. To see more pics from the statue’s unveiling, click below…
[Photo: Getty Images]

With the news that Robbie Fowler will not be offered a new contract at Liverpool at the end of the season, Pies has tracked down pictures of the veteran striker storming out of Anfield at a steady pace!
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muamba.jpgBirmingham City’s squidgy-nosed boss Steve Bruce has pulled off a bit of a coup by snapping up Arsenal loanee Fabrice Muamba on a permanent basis. The 19-year-old has been one of the stars of the Blues promotion season. Arsene Wenger had previously indicated that Muamba would not be allowed to leave the Emirates permanently.

74093575.jpgPhew, after the immense shock of seeing Tottenham’s rubbish new kit, I could do with some positive Spurs news. And here it is: Dimitar Berbatov, the best player in the whole world (or at least the best Bulgarian) is reportedly set to stay at Spurs for another season.

Kevin%20Bond.jpgNewcastle could weaken their defence in a legal case if, as expected, they appoint Big Sam Allardyce as their new manager. Remember Glenn Roeder’s former assistant Kevin Bond? Yeah, the guy who was Harry Redknapp’s assistant at Portsmouth and was sacked by Newcastle after being implicated in the BBC Panorama bungs investigation. Do you see where we are going with this now?

sweet-sixteen.jpgOlympos Xylofagou striker Panagiotis Pontikos scored an astonishing 16 (sixteen) goals as his side thrashed SEK Ayios Athanasios 24-3 in the Cypriot third division this weekend. That’s six more goals than Man City scored all season at home.

youtube.jpg
The FA Premier League initiated legal action against YouTube on Friday for copyright infringement, which could be bad news for football fans everywhere. If you miss Match of the Day on Saturday night/Sunday morning or Sky’s Super Sunday, YouTube is the first port of call to catch up on any Prem action you have missed.

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Let’s hear it for Arsenal Ladies! In winning the Women’s FA Cup at the weekend (4-1 against Charlton Women), they completed an unprecedented quadruple (League Cup, Premier League, FA Cup and Uefa Cup). In other words, they did what Chelsea couldn’t. Many congrats to all concerned – a fantastic achievement.
It was also very encouraging to see that a crowd of almost 25,000 turned up at Nottingham Forest’s City Ground to watch the FA Cup final – that’s double the previous record crowd for a women’s FA Cup final. [Photo: Getty Images]