By Alan Duffy

“Oi Xavi, stop poncing about, go long… hit the channels, you f*****g big girl’s blouse”

Never one to hide his light under a bushel, West Ham boss Sam Allardyce has eased Hammers fans fears by reiterating that, despite being linked to the England job (a tiny bit), he is still fully focused on his job at Upton Park. Phew.

The great exponent of the beautiful game said:

“My focus is West Ham United. We’re top of the league and we want to move forward and clinch promotion. My thoughts are not on the England job at the moment, they are on West Ham. What we hope for is that it gets resolved as soon as possible.”

There is little doubt that Allardyce sincerely believes that he would succeed with the Three Lions, after all, a few years back, he did say this:

“I’m not suited to Bolton or Blackburn, I would be more suited to Inter or Real Madrid. It wouldn’t be a problem to me to go and manage those clubs because I would win the double or the league every time. Give me Manchester United or Chelsea and I would do the same, it wouldn’t be a problem. It’s not where I’m suited to, it’s just where I’ve been for most of the time.

“It’s not a problem to take me into the higher reaches of the Champions League or Premier League and (it) would make my job a lot easier in winning it.”

Is he the man for the job?

Note to The FA: Forget all this foreign rubbish about keeping the ball on the deck, get Big Sam in, stick Crouchie up front, get the ball out wide and then straight into the box. Bob’s your uncle. Job done. EURO 2012 will be ours.

                          

So, West Ham unveiled their new mascot ‘Hammerhead’ before their 1-0 win over Barnsley at Upton Park on Saturday…

Saints be praised, it looks like he’s got a back story too:

“Foundered in the Thames Iron Works many decades ago, the workers who crafted a new champion drew on the spirits of heroes old and new to create the ultimate goal machine.

As strong as iron, as fast as Billy Bonds and blessed with the goalscoring prowess of Vic Watson, some say Hammerhead was once a shipbuilder at the Thames Iron Works, while others say he is a knight from the historic Boleyn Castle.

When a bolt of lightning hit the Iron Works, a might warrior of iron was born – HAMMERHEAD.”

Looks like Optimus Prime’s slow, cross-eyed younger brother to me but hey-ho. ”He was dropped on his head as an infant, and now he walks the streets of East London arguing with lampposts – DERPATRON…”

“Derr, hey guys!”

Got a Shit Lookalike for Pies? Email it to waatpies@gmail.com and stick ‘Lookalikes’ in the subject field or Tweet it over to us as @waatpies if you’re that way inclined.

                          

By Alan Duffy

A young David Bentley celebrates his only goal for Arsenal

Once touted (mostly by himself) as the man to replace David Beckham on England’s right wing, Tottenham’s David Bentley is set to miss six months of action following an operation on his left knee. The wideman joined West Ham on loan in the summer but won’t play again until March at the earliest.

Hammers’ boss Sam Allardyce said: “It is a great shame for David as he had settled in well to the squad. We wish him well and hope he has a speedy recovery.”

This is the latest blow to a player who is yet to fulfill his potential. Indeed, Bentley  has consistently failed to make the most of his undoubted talent, and at 27 years old, he should be enjoying his peak years in the game instead of loitering on the fringes of the big time.

Remember, this is the guy who…

1. After breaking into the England set up, had a ‘DB7′ slogan stitched on to his St George’s Cross boots while, at the same time, his agent explored the possibility of commercial deals.

2. Smashed his Porsche into a lamppost after returning home from a late-night gig under the influence.

3. Bought a bar in the posh Spanish resort of Puerto Banus, something his Tottenham boss Harry Redknapp was less than happy about. “I think needs to be giving him good advice”, ‘Arry said at the time. “He doesn’t need to be involved in nightclubs in Spain or whatever. The advice he needs from a good agent is ‘Concentrate on your football, David’.”

4. Publicly urged Theo Walcott to leave Arsenal if he wanted to further his career. Walcott has since gone on to earn himself 19 caps (and three goals) for the Three Lions along with 184 appearances (and 34 goals) for Arsenal while Bentley accrued just seven caps (and no goals).

Indeed, Bentley’s career is something of a lesson for young footballers that innate talent isn’t enough on its own, it has to be partnered with the right attitude and a bit of humility.

However, let’s not forget what a superb footballer he can be, if he just puts his mind to it.

                          

By Alan Duffy

As he embarks on yet another loan move, this time to Championship giants West Ham United, Arsenal midfielder Henri Lansbury put on a superb Man of the Match display for Stuart Pearce’s U21 side against Azerbaijan, netting two goals and providing a couple of assists as the young England side coasted to a 6-0 win.

Arsenal’s Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain notched two assists himself, including the cross for Lansbury’s superb first strike on the 20 minute mark.

With a performance worthy of his (comparatively) exotic name already under his belt this season, Lansbury could well be a key player in Sam Allardyce’s plans to get the Hammers back into the top tier.

                          

By Rumour Monger

After a relatively quiet summer (only Brad Friedel and Robbie Keane’s dream move to LA Galaxy to speak of), it looks like Tottenham are ready to wade into the transfer cesspool by tying up deals for Scott Parker and ex-Arsenal mard-arse Emmanuel Adebayor.

Several papers are reporting a ‘breakthrough’ in Spurs’ ongoing negotiations with Man City over a season-long loan deal for Adebayor, with both sides set to pay 50% of the Togolese striker’s £170,000 weekly wages – it now looks like the on/off deal is going to happen after all.

As for Parker, the Times reckon that Spurs have lodged a £3.5 million bid for the reigning Player of the Year and that a transfer is once again in the pipeline.

QPR are said to be desperate to derail Spurs’ advances and acquire the West Ham midfielder for themselves but, to be frank, they’ve probably got more chance of having Dodo sandwiches for lunch today.

                          

We must stress that ‘TheBig_Sam’ Twitter account is not, in any way, shape or form, affiliated with Sam Allardyce, i.e, the new gaffer at West Ham United that probably just split his lip whilst trying to eat a particularly large gateaux…

“Everywhere I’ve been I entertain the public, irrespective of the perception from the media that Sam Allardyce plays long ball.”

Anyone care to disagree?

Via Dirty Tackle

                          

By Chris Wright

With the brow-furrowing news that Kevin Nolan is currently undergoing a medical ahead of a move to West Ham this afternoon, Newcastle cohort Joey Barton – along with the majority of the watching world – has reacted with a big fat hairy ‘eh?’, hinting to the Twittersphere that there may well be a mini-exodus on the cards at St James’ Park this summer…

Word on the wire is that Newcastle were unwilling to crowbar a potentially lucrative clause in Nolan’s new contract that would see him earn increasingly hefty bonuses depending on the club’s finishing position in the league next season – but don’t hold us to that.

While it may not be clear what’s going on at Toon, it’s become abundantly clear what new Hammers’ boss Sam Allardyce is up to.

With a deal for Abdoulaye Faye already sewn up, Nolan on the way and talks reportedly opened with Ricardo Gardner – he’s obviously set about reuniting his glorious Bolton squad of 2005/06!

Anyone know where we can get hold of Bruno N’Gotty, Jared Borgetti, Hidetoshi Nakata and Matt Jansen?

                          

By Chris Wright

Word on the wire is that call-centre-chic enthusiast Sam Allardyce is all but set to be appointed as West Ham’s new manager at some point later today, with a £3 million, two-year contract being mooted by most of the major news outlets this morning – including the good old Beeb, and why would they lie to us?

For a man whom we all know would be ‘more suited to winning doubles every season with Inter, Real Madrid, Man Utd or Chelsea‘, I’m sure that returning an absolute circus of a Championship side to the top flight inside two years should be a walk in the park by comparison.

Best of luck Samuel.

UPDATE: It’s official, Big Sam has just been sworn in at Upton Park, telling the club’s website:

“It’s a fantastic club with a great tradition and loyal supporters, I am determined to get this club back up.

“I wouldn’t have taken this job if I didn’t think we could bounce straight back into the Premier League.

“More than that, I wouldn’t have contemplated the job if I didn’t think there was the opportunity to build something substantial at West Ham.

“I know there will be West Ham fans asking whether I’m going to abandon the style of play that’s been the club’s heritage over the years.

“All I’ll say is it will be a tale of home and away. At Upton Park we’ll try to play the kind of game the fans want.”

…Everywhere else we’ll be playing agricultural, pigs-and-muck hoof-ball. Enjoy!

                          

You may be aware by now that Chelsea have parted ways with Carlo Ancelotti for having the down-right temerity to wash up in second after securing the club it’s first ever domestic double twelve months ago, but reports are circulating this morning that the Blues hierarchy followed the West Ham board’s classy lead and decided to sack Ancelotti in the tunnel at Goodison Park.

Several papers are speculating as to the whys and wherefores of Ancelotti’s dismissal, but the Guardian are leading the charge, claiming that ”last year’s Double-winning manager was informed of the decision in a corridor.”

Apparently, Chelsea’s chief executive Ron Gourlay met Ancelotti at the foot of the stairs outside the Goodison media suite which is situated in the tunnel concourse after allowing him to carry out his post-match press conference, and duly told the Italian that he had been relieved of his duties.

Stay classy Chelsea, stay classy.

                          

In an attempt to justify the fact that the West Ham top brass decided, with one game left to play, that sacking Avram Grant in the tunnel at the DW Stadium was the classiest course of action to take, vice-chairwoman Karren Brady has spoken out in defense of her reprehensible cohorts – claiming that the board did everything in their power to support Grant this season.

Speaking to the Sun, Brady wibbled:

“Avram was given the best possible conditions to do the job. There were no silly targets set, no talk of Europe. We just said: ‘Keep us up’.

“He was given extra training-ground staff and his personal needs (ahem) met – including a driver, a new office and an upgraded expensive football analysis system.

“Last summer we signed eight players, including a top German international and three of the star young players from the World Cup.

“When things got tough, we backed him again. January signings like Wayne Bridge, Robbie Keane and Demba Ba saw us put our money where our mouth is. Again, no big names left the Boleyn.

“A good man, Avram was given every chance but he was sadly unable to deliver.”

‘Three young stars of the World Cup’, eh? I can only assume she’s referring to Victor Obinna, Winston Reid and Pablo Barrera there. I’ll let you draw your own conclusions as to their respective ‘star’ power.

Now, not that Avram has done himself any particular favours at Upton Park this term – the Hammers have been woeful for the majority – but it seems like Brady forgot to mention the part about treating Grant like crap all season, the yarn about undermining him on a regular basis and the little addendum in which she and her West Ham cronies secretly approached six different candidates to take over from the Israeli over the course of the campaign.

Just saying Karen.