Monday’s most attractive transfer gossip. Surely one of these might happen? 1. Samuel Eto’o to Spurs Tottenham have outbid Italian giants AC Milan and Inter for the mouthy Barcelona striker (pictured). The Yids will go up to £24m for the Cameroon international – that’s £8m more than the Italian sides are prepared to pay. [Epping [...]

Today’s hotter-than-July lies… 1. Mauro Zarate to Arsenal The on-loan Birmingham star (pictured) is on the wish list of one big-four club, at least according to his agent. I guess it’s Arsenal who want him, as an Eduardo replacement. [Setanta] 2. Jonny Evans to Sunderland Roy Keane is reported to have bid £5m for United’s [...]

Here’s what the Hammers will wear on their travels next season. We like, a lot You can’t beat a bit of claret and blue – it’s a classic English football colour combo, used to great effect by Umbro for their latest West Ham away shirt. We think it’s a very smart kit, simple and tasteful. [...]

Like some wise old schoolmaster, Pies grades each Premier League team based on their 07/08 campaign. Here’s part two: Man City (9th) Started brilliantly, finished with a whimper. Overall though, Sven-Goran Eriksson did a good job of restoring pride to the sky-blue half of Manchester. A couple of his signings were notable successes – Elano [...]

Portuguese cheater (not C-Ron, the other one) play-acts after butt And I thought Nani really had something with Lucas? Apparently not. Disgraceful stuff from Man Utd’s trickster. Fortunately, the officials didn’t buy it. Worthy of a five-match ban (but he’ll only be banned for three), not to mention the two weeks’ wages it has already [...]

What’s this? Is Kevin Keegan Head Over Heels In Love? It sure looks that way as he grasps Alan Curbishley by the head and looks longingly into his eyes. I’m not sure Curbs is quite up for it as much, but he looks pleasantly surprised by the offer.

In no particular order, and not including goalkeepers (for the record, just five goalies have played every minute of every league game this season: David James, Robert Green, Brad Friedel, Pepe Reina and Marcus Hahnemann), here are the six hardest-working players of the 2007/08 campaign, in terms of minutes played: Stephen Kelly (Birmingham City) The [...]

… in their dreams.

Football is a team game, but it’s amazing how much of an effect one individual can have on his ten team-mates. Witness Jimmy Bullard’s match-winning performance for Fulham against Aston Villa at Craven Cottage yesterday afternoon. His return from a long-term injury has lifted everyone at the club; it’s no coincidence that Fulham struggled in Bullard’s absence.

West Ham 1-0 Liverpool An injury-time penalty by Mark Noble denied Liverpool a point that they didn’t deserve anyway. West Ham had the best chances, whereas Liverpool looked flat, as if their players were painfully aware that any chance of winning the league had disappeared several weeks ago. Rafa Benitez’s team are now 17 points behind both Man Utd and Arsenal. Fourth place is the best they can hope for now, and even that is no certainty.
Man of the match Mark Noble. On this form, the England U21 star must be close to a full England call-up.
Photo Getty Images

As suggested by, er, me. I was watching Oscar-winning movie Crash on DVD the other night, when I noticed that actor Chris Bridges (aka rapper Ludacris) looked a bit like West Ham defender Anton Ferdinand. And ‘looking a bit like’ a footballer is enough to make a Shit Lookalike. More Shit Lookalikes

Professional West Ham fan Ray Winstone and Irons’ boss Alan Curbishley square up, in a friendly fashion, before last week’s West Ham vs Man Utd game. Winstone’s presence clearly intimidated the Man Yoo players, who played below their usual level in a 2-1 defeat.

Jussi Jaaskelainen of Bolton claims a cross during the Barclays Premier League match between West Ham United and Bolton Wanderers at Upton Park on November 4, 2007 in London, England. Photo Ryan Pierse/Getty Images

HEROES Rob Green Saved a last-gasp penalty (pictured) to snatch a point for West Ham at Pompey. Surely Green now has to be taken seriously for England’s No.1 shirt instead of Paul Robinson? Cesc Fabregas Showed off the full extent of his freakish maturity and talent with a wonderfully authoritative performance at Anfield. Stevie G [...]

Nolberto Solano celebrates as his shot rebounds in off of distraught goalkeeper Craig Gordon for an own goal during the Premier League match between West Ham and Sunderland at Upton Park on October 21, 2007. Photo Phil Cole/Getty Images

Aston Villa 1-0 West Ham
Craig Gardner won the match for Villa, but Dean Ashton is now a doubt for England after picking up a knee injury.

Birmingham 0-1 Manchester United
Crissy Ronaldo (© Pies) pounced early in the second-half to give United victory and keep up with Arsenal.

With the boy made from glass, Michael Owen, seeing a specialist about his brittle bones, the Newcastle United striker going to miss England’s crucial Euro 2008 qualifiers against Estonia and Russia next month. It’s a damn shame as he looked like he might be returning to form with some decent goals in recent weeks…

Arsenal 5-0 Derby
Emmanuel Adebayor scored a hat-trick and Cesc Fabregas stole the show as the Gunners hit top gear.

Last time we saw Dean Ashton he was going bald gracefully, but things change. He has returned from his long injury lay-off with this bleached blond barnet (because a healthy dose of peroxide was just what his dying hairs needed). All of this means the West Ham striker has been left looking like a born-again monk who gave up his life on the early 1990s rave scene to spend his days in the monastery.

West Ham’s recent signing Kieron Dyer receives physio treatment and comfort from his team-mates after suffering a double leg fracture in last night’s Carling Cup tie with Bristol Rovers. Dyer was injured in a tackle by Rovers’ Joe Jacobson, which left Hammers boss Alan Curbishley fuming. Click here to see the incident.

Arsenal 1-0 Manchester City
Cesc Fabregas finally found a breakthrough, despite an excellent performance from Manchester City goalkeeper Kasper Schmeichel. The young Dane made a string of saves, including Robin van Persie’s 65th minute penalty.

Rodders may have been an East End wideboy, but West Ham’s Mark Noble is an East End central midfielder.

West Ham are starting to see why most clubs like to have some sort of wage structure in place. Barcelona forward Eidur Gudjohnsen is stalling over an £80,000 a week offer from the Hammers because he wants £100,000. It would be easy to blame the ex-Chelsea man and accuse him of greed, but if I was a player of Gudjohnsen’s class I would want to be a few leaps up the salary scale away from £60,000 a week Lucas Neill!

Cheeky chappy Craig Bellamy just can’t hold his tongue. Here he is signing autographs for West Ham fans when one asks for his thoughts on Kieron Dyer (who at this stage is on the verge of a move to Upton Park). Craig the populist takes over Craig the professional, and can’t resist splurting out: “He’s like Reo-Coker, except he can play.”