Following yesterday’s imaginatively titled Part One, today Pies profiles the home kits of the 10 Premiership teams who would have their names called at last on the school register.
Manchester City
There is a hint of baseball to Citeh’s new shirt, with its rather fetching white pinstripes. Reebok are out and French brand Le Coq Sportif (currently enjoying a Lazarus-style revival) are in. Last season’s white sleeves are also ditched, and on reflection it is probably a good call. Click here to buy it from Kitbag.

In a long line of singing footballers (maybe we should do a Singing Footballers XI?) Carlos Tevez is the latest (to me at least) hitman to pick up the mic. He’s the front man in a band called Piola Vago, who play cumbia villera, a form of Argentinian shantytown/urban music. Piola Vago managed to hit the charts in Argentina with their song Lose Your Control which saw Carlitos crooning about whipping a girl and begging her for sex (c/o The Sun).

Newcastle gaffer Sam Allardyce has revealed that Kieron Dyer’s move to West Ham collapsed after the Hammers refused to pay…

It seems Carlos Tevez’s protracted move to Manchester United might finally be completed today. The prospect of a court case has sobered up all parties and a deal appears to have been struck. Tevez is expected to move to Old Trafford on a two-year loan deal with West Ham receiving £2 million in compensation. The Argentine will pick up more than double that this season alone with a salary of £4.5 million. Manchester United then have the option of completing a £30 million permanent deal.

New West Ham signing Craig Bellamy gets into the first of an inevitable many arguments with match officials this season. Bellamy and referee Trevor Kettle reach boiling point in last night’s friendly between the Hammers and MK Dons. (Photo by David Rogers/Getty Images)

Thanks to Pies reader Doug Myers, who has taken advantage of our new Facebook group to suggest this outstanding Shit Lookalike. Carlos Tevez – despite being a dead ringer for Red Hot Chilli Peppers frontman Anthony Kiedis – is also the spitting image of Blanca from the video game Street Fighter. That is uncanny!
Oh, and if anyone has a clue whether this should be in the West Ham or Man United category, let us know!

As the Sun might say, what a pair of egg-headed Swedes! Interesting that Ljungberg was snapped with the chairman at his unveiling, rather than the manager – is this a signing that Alan Curbishley didn’t sanction or want, perhaps? (Ie. one of those Abramovich/Shevchenko things).

Well I didn’t see this one coming… I thought Freddie was supposed to go to Fiorentina, but the Hammers have reportedly secured his services and will announce him as a West Ham player at a press conference later today.

In the messy wake of the Tevcherano affair, many non-West Ham fans would love to see the cheeky cockneys go down this season. The chances of that happening are slim, I’d say, but at least God is doing his best and striking down their new players before they’ve even had a chance to pull on a claret-and-blue shirt.

Mystic Pies strikes again. The minute we start joking around about seeing Kieron Dyer move to West Ham for a reunion of the St James’s Park Amateur Boxing Club, and Alan Curbishley makes it be known that he is interested in completing the whole set of ex-Newcastle bad boys. Curbs is desperate for a replacement for unspeakably stupid £6 million winger Julien Faubert who is out for six months with a ruptured achilles tendon.

One average Prem club sells average Prem striker to another Prem club. Hmm, it’s not the sort of news to make my day. I can’t imagine that Villa fans are even that excited about the prospect of Harewood – who, let’s face it, is not that good – arriving at Villa Park. He always seems to put in a lot of effort, and does occasionally find the net, but so what?

France boss Paul O’Grady has blasted new West Ham signing Julien Faubert over his move to Upton Park. The £6 million winger joined from Bordeaux earlier this month after a move to Rangers fell through. His international manager says it was an ‘unspeakably stupid’ move. The France manager said: “I can’t understand Faubert’s decision to join West Ham. I struggle to understand why he has done it. It is a great pity when you are on the brink of the French national team.”

There are bound to be a few more twists to this year’s transfer season, especially if someone remembers where they put Carlos Tevez’s ownership papers, but new TV money and the arrival of more glory hunting billionaires means there’s been plenty of action.
Here’s what we think are the ten best deals done so far:

Last week we took a look back at the greatest ever foreign players to grace the Premiership, but you can be sure that for every Bergkamp there’s a Boogers who’s just as remembered…but for all the wrong reasons.

Craig Bellamy, Lee Bowyer, Lucas Neill, Anton Ferdinand, Nigel Quashie, Carlton Cole, Roy Carroll, Scott Parker (just for his squeaky voice)… surely West Ham now have the most irritating set of players in the history of the Premiership? Just as well they got rid of Nigel Reo-Coker, or the Premier League may well have judged them too damn annoying to remain in the top flight.

Apologies for the terrible extended headline, but, hey, we kinda liked it. Here’s a pic of Craig Bellamy, signed this week by West Ham, with Lee Bowyer, during a training session with the Hammers. Bellamy and Bowyer, what a charming combination!
[Photo: Paul Gilham/Getty Images]

If you thought Kevin McCabe and Sean Bean were the men most distraught at Sheffield United’s relegation, think again. It seems the Blades board is made up of even bigger names than that!

[Via 101GreatGoals]

It’ could be a tale of two chairmen if Carlos Tevez completes a move to Man Yoo later today – apparently he’s completing a medical in Venezuela in a deal that could eventually be worth more than £30m.

Damn, why can’t a football transfer be as simple as ‘You pay us what we want for this player and he gets to wear your shirt…’?

Football’s hottest rumour of the day is that Man Utd are closing in on the signing of Carlos Tevez. BBC sports editor Mihir Bose ‘understands talks are underway and says Tevez may move on loan or permanently’.

A final decision to uphold Sheffield United’s relegation from the Premier League was made yesterday. An arbitration panel decided that the Premier League was correct to not dock West Ham points over the registration of Carlos Tevez and Javier Mascherano. The panel stated: “The tribunal had much sympathy for Sheffield United’s grievances. However, the tribunal had to apply the principles of judicial review and determine whether the decision was irrational or perverse. This is a very strict test and is very difficult to satisfy. It concluded that it was impossible for this tribunal to find that the decision was irrational or perverse.”

Harry Kewell takes a photo of Aussie teammate Lucas Neill with a fan in a Singapore hotel’s lobby, prior to the Socceroos depature to Bangkok for the 2007 AFC Asian Cup. [Photo: Robert Cianflone/Getty Images]

Darren Bent is an excellent Premiership striker who has long been linked with a (give or take the odd quid) £10 million move to a top club. Why then would he move to West Ham – a club which could easily have been playing Championship football with Charlton Athletic next season? And why would the Hammers pay so much over the odds for him?

What has Everton boss David Moyes done to piss off West Ham Utd? Moyes has been forced to publicly rubbish claims that star striker Andrew Johnson will be tempted to Upton Park for around a £13m fee: ‘AJ was a top layer at Everton last season and he will be again next season… The West Ham consortium wouldn’t have enough money to buy Johnson or any other Everton player… and for them to think they could shows a real lack of understanding of our game.’

So it looks like Scott Parker will definitely be going to Upton Park then… [Via Caught Offside]