Craig Bellamy, Lee Bowyer, Lucas Neill, Anton Ferdinand, Nigel Quashie, Carlton Cole, Roy Carroll, Scott Parker (just for his squeaky voice)… surely West Ham now have the most irritating set of players in the history of the Premiership? Just as well they got rid of Nigel Reo-Coker, or the Premier League may well have judged them too damn annoying to remain in the top flight.

Apologies for the terrible extended headline, but, hey, we kinda liked it. Here’s a pic of Craig Bellamy, signed this week by West Ham, with Lee Bowyer, during a training session with the Hammers. Bellamy and Bowyer, what a charming combination!
[Photo: Paul Gilham/Getty Images]

If you thought Kevin McCabe and Sean Bean were the men most distraught at Sheffield United’s relegation, think again. It seems the Blades board is made up of even bigger names than that!

[Via 101GreatGoals]

It’ could be a tale of two chairmen if Carlos Tevez completes a move to Man Yoo later today – apparently he’s completing a medical in Venezuela in a deal that could eventually be worth more than £30m.

Damn, why can’t a football transfer be as simple as ‘You pay us what we want for this player and he gets to wear your shirt…’?

Football’s hottest rumour of the day is that Man Utd are closing in on the signing of Carlos Tevez. BBC sports editor Mihir Bose ‘understands talks are underway and says Tevez may move on loan or permanently’.

A final decision to uphold Sheffield United’s relegation from the Premier League was made yesterday. An arbitration panel decided that the Premier League was correct to not dock West Ham points over the registration of Carlos Tevez and Javier Mascherano. The panel stated: “The tribunal had much sympathy for Sheffield United’s grievances. However, the tribunal had to apply the principles of judicial review and determine whether the decision was irrational or perverse. This is a very strict test and is very difficult to satisfy. It concluded that it was impossible for this tribunal to find that the decision was irrational or perverse.”

Harry Kewell takes a photo of Aussie teammate Lucas Neill with a fan in a Singapore hotel’s lobby, prior to the Socceroos depature to Bangkok for the 2007 AFC Asian Cup. [Photo: Robert Cianflone/Getty Images]

Darren Bent is an excellent Premiership striker who has long been linked with a (give or take the odd quid) £10 million move to a top club. Why then would he move to West Ham – a club which could easily have been playing Championship football with Charlton Athletic next season? And why would the Hammers pay so much over the odds for him?

What has Everton boss David Moyes done to piss off West Ham Utd? Moyes has been forced to publicly rubbish claims that star striker Andrew Johnson will be tempted to Upton Park for around a £13m fee: ‘AJ was a top layer at Everton last season and he will be again next season… The West Ham consortium wouldn’t have enough money to buy Johnson or any other Everton player… and for them to think they could shows a real lack of understanding of our game.’

So it looks like Scott Parker will definitely be going to Upton Park then… [Via Caught Offside]

Pretty much everyone is reporting that West Ham are very close to agreeing a deal, reported to be in the region of £7m, with Newcastle United to sign Scott Parker. Tottenham apparently stuck their noses in at the 11th hour, as they are wont to do when any talented English player is involved, but it seems that the Irons will get their man.

West Ham, captained by Bobby Moore, won a storming match 3-2 to lift the Cup for the first time in the club’s history. Their goals were scored by John Sissons, Geoff Hurst and Ron Boyce. At the time Preston’s Howard Kendall (yep, the one who went on to manage Everton) was the youngest player ever to play at an FA Cup Final, aged 17 years 345 days.

Pies begins the countdown to the 2007 FA Cup final with a look at Classic FA Cup Final Moments of yesteryear. We kick off with Steven Gerrard’s cramp-riddled scorcher from last year’s final.

So which team out of Wigan, West Ham and Sheffield Utd do you want to go down? I’d have to say Wigan – non-Latics fans, would you really miss them? They get feeble crowds, play pretty unattractive football (not all the time, I hasten to add) and generally don’t add that much to the Premiership – although I do have a lot of time for Paul Jewell. Wigan fans will obviously think I’m talking shit (they’d be wrong).

If, during a Premiership relegation battle, you look around the dressing room and see any of the following players, ask for a transfer immediately because you’re going down:

West Ham’s players touch their noses – as you do – during a training session yesterday, prior to today’s crucial Premiership clash with Bolton at Upton Park. [Photo: Getty Images]

Wigan chairman Dave Whelan says he may sue West Ham United in the wake of the Tevezcherano incident. The Hammers were fined £5.5m but not deducted points after being accused of acting improperly over the transfers.

Watching Javier Mascherano put in a man-of-the-match performance in a Liverpool shirt last night was a treat (I love Maschy, mostly because he’s so bloody good in Pro Evolution Soccer) but also made me very angry with English football.

Here’s how Pies sees the Premiership relegation battle panning out. Charlton fans, look away now…

Put simply, it was a shit weekend for goals in the Premiership, so I won’t post the top five. There were just two half-decent goals scored, both of which you can watch below…

The H List may not be as updated as regularly as some blogs, but in this case it’s about quality not quantity. West Ham fan ‘HeadHammer Shark’ is a lifelong season ticket-holder at the Boleyn and it shows in his posts, which bear all the hallmarks of a man who has supported an underperforming team for a long time. Anyway, The H List is very well-written indeed and a must-read for any genuine West Ham fan.

It looked like boys against men at Upton Park last night. West Ham’s defeat means they are virtual certs to be relegated, while Chelsea just won’t let Man U relax at the top. This was a very impressive, very powerful performance by the champions, who remind me of the German team in Escape to Victory – loads of power and athleticism, but not much in the way of charisma or personality.

This one’s pretty simple. If West Ham lose, they’re down (not mathematically, but there’s no way I can see them escaping); if Chelsea lose, Man Utd win the title (see above). In other words, it’s a crucial game, or, if you like cliches, a massive six-pointer.

1 Alan Mahon, Watford v Portsmouth Hit with his weaker left foot. Hate to see what he could do with his good foot. Unstoppable.