According to his Wigan teammate, Chris Kirkland – Emile Heskey is ‘England’s Didier Drogba,’ and he doesn’t mean he’s a big man who spends more time on the floor than on the ball.

Is Michael Clarke Duncan, star of The Green Mile, how Heskey would look if he ever broke out a smile?

Wigan’s Austrian man might have been on the scoresheet against West Ham at the weekend, but his barnet is definitely off target. Pretty much anything you could want to be wrong with his hair is incorporated into this look. The fluffiness of the mohican gives a hint of baby duckling chic. The shaved section of the hair reveals a worryingly bumpy head. The mohawk thins towards the crown and – to top it all – has a ginger tinge. Good work, Paul.

Arsenal 1-0 Manchester City
Cesc Fabregas finally found a breakthrough, despite an excellent performance from Manchester City goalkeeper Kasper Schmeichel. The young Dane made a string of saves, including Robin van Persie’s 65th minute penalty.

Portsmouth 1-1 Manchester United
Cristiano Ronaldo grimaces after being shown a red card for violent conduct.

Following yesterday’s imaginatively titled Part One, today Pies profiles the home kits of the 10 Premiership teams who would have their names called at last on the school register.
Manchester City
There is a hint of baseball to Citeh’s new shirt, with its rather fetching white pinstripes. Reebok are out and French brand Le Coq Sportif (currently enjoying a Lazarus-style revival) are in. Last season’s white sleeves are also ditched, and on reflection it is probably a good call. Click here to buy it from Kitbag.

The UK property market has been overinflated for some time now. The football transfer market seemed to have calmed down a bit. Until now that is. Wigan have spent £5.3 million on the living football legend that is Jason Koumas. For that money you could buy a luxury four-bedroom penthouse apartment in Mayfair and still have enough change for a decent motor. Why would you spend that much on Jason Koumas?!! So Pies is asking, would you rather spend your money on Koumas or the flat?

If you thought Kevin McCabe and Sean Bean were the men most distraught at Sheffield United’s relegation, think again. It seems the Blades board is made up of even bigger names than that!

[Via 101GreatGoals]

It’ could be a tale of two chairmen if Carlos Tevez completes a move to Man Yoo later today – apparently he’s completing a medical in Venezuela in a deal that could eventually be worth more than £30m.

With the unfortunate news that Jimmy Bullard will not be fit for the start of the season, we are in dire need of a Bullard fix. Here is one of his finest moments: Jimmy leapfrogging a goalmouth scramble while playing for Wigan Athletic. We have no idea why, but that’s Jimmy Bullard for you!

Wigan have signed error-prone defender Titus Bramble on a three-year contract, thereby sealing their fate next season. Bramble joins on a free transfer and becomes Chris Hutchings’ first signing as Wigan manager – well Chris, things can only get better.

Big-boned Wigan defender David Unsworth has been released from his contract. The 33-year-old’s penalty against Sheffield United last weekend kept Wigan in the Premiership, but he has been deemed surplus to requirements by new boss Chris Hutchings.

Does the Monday craziness never end? First Paul Jewell keeps WIgan up but then he resigns. Now Man City, who finished four points above the relegation zone, have sacked Stuart Pearce! What does this mean for out-of-work managers like Iain Dowie, Chris Coleman and the mighty Sven? It means their agents will be straight on the phone to Man City, that’s what.

Sheffield Utd manager Neil Warnock looks on in dismay as Wigan boss Paul Jewell celebrates the 2-1 win at Bramall Lane that kept his team in the Premiership. Warnock’s Blades were relegated, along with Watford and Charlton Athletic.
[Photo: Ross Kinnaird/Getty Images]

So which team out of Wigan, West Ham and Sheffield Utd do you want to go down? I’d have to say Wigan – non-Latics fans, would you really miss them? They get feeble crowds, play pretty unattractive football (not all the time, I hasten to add) and generally don’t add that much to the Premiership – although I do have a lot of time for Paul Jewell. Wigan fans will obviously think I’m talking shit (they’d be wrong).

Wigan chairman Dave Whelan says he may sue West Ham United in the wake of the Tevezcherano incident. The Hammers were fined £5.5m but not deducted points after being accused of acting improperly over the transfers.

Here’s how Pies sees the Premiership relegation battle panning out. Charlton fans, look away now…

1 Alan Mahon, Watford v Portsmouth Hit with his weaker left foot. Hate to see what he could do with his good foot. Unstoppable.

News reaches us that Premiership chairmen are going to be forced into cutting ‘obscene’ ticket prices because fans have just about had enough of being the victims of daylight robbery every weekend, and as a result, football has reached a tipping point. Two top-flight chairmen have expressed the same view, both of whom predict price [...]

Just leave it Paul, he’s not worth it… Wigan Athletic manager Paul Jewell has claimed, in the Daily Mail, that a Premiership club asked not to have referee Phil Dowd in charge of their games: ‘We can’t as a club say we don’t want him but I know a certain club that has asked,’ he [...]

Wigan boss Paul Jewell has announced he will contest a foul and abusive language charge by alleging that referee Phil Dowd is partial to a bit of cursing himself. Jewell will face the FA armed with statements from six of his players claiming that Dowd told them to "F**k off" during the match against Arsenal [...]

Is it me, or is anyone else annoyed with the mewing coming from Wigan at the minute? It’s all ‘boo-hoo, we’re so hard done to…’ Admittedly, Wigan were unlucky against Arsenal at the weekend, what with penalty decisions not going their way and the referee reportedly swearing at Paul Jewell; they really should have had [...]

Wigan boss Paul Jewell is going after Lee Chun-Soo. The South Korean starlet announced himself on the World Stage at the last World Cup with a stunning freekick against Togo. The 25-year-old former Asian Young Footballer of the Year has emerged as a target as Jewell looks to strengthen his squad. Lee currently plays for [...]

So, Keith Hackett wants the BBC to stop criticizing his referees eh? Well, like I said last week, if that’s going to happen, we need the match officials to sharpen up a bit. This weekend, much like any other footballing weekend, has seen a couple of incidents that have really stuck in my throat. The [...]

Fans who have experienced the thrill of an away match will know how addictive it is. The trip down, the pre-match pints in a strange pub, being in a strange ground. It’s like a holiday with a football match stuck in the middle of it! However, loads give it a wide berth because they can’t [...]