By Chris Wright
The Daily Mail have busied themselves by totting up the total amount of time Didier Drogba spent screaming in anguish with his face mashed into the spittle-infused turf at Stamford Bridge against Barcelona on Tuesday evening.
Here’s the scores on the doors…
4th minute: Penalised for a foul on Sergio Busquets (Down for 12 seconds)
14th minute: Clashes again with Busquets, Barcelona play on before Carlos Puyol puts ball out of play. (Out of action for 70 seconds)
34th minute: The Ivorian goes down under a challenge from Puyol inside his own area, exaggerating the contact the defender’s boot makes with his face. (Down for 12 seconds)
35th minute: From a Petr Cech goal kick, Drogba goes down after an aerial clash with Busquets (Doesn’t feature for 110 seconds)
38th minute: Drogba falls to the ground winded and lies prostrate on the ground. “He needs to get on with it,” says Andy Townsend on commentary. (Down for 60 seconds)
45th minute: Goes down theatrically under challenge from Puyol. (Down for 15 seconds)
First-Half total: 4 minutes 37 seconds
51st minute: Tries to slide tackle Lionel Messi. (Down for 2 seconds)
65th minute: Draws a foul from Javier Mascherano in the view of referee Felix Brych. The defender indicates he thinks the striker dived. (Down for 3 seconds)
67th minute: Suffers what looks like a groin injury in challenge with Puyol. Brych stops play. “Drogba goes down yet again,” says Clive Tyldesley. (Down for 100 seconds)
86th minute: Booked for a slide tackle on Messi. Lies on the floor in a clear attempt at time-wasting. (Down for 10 seconds)
Second-Half Total: 1 minute 53 seconds
Total time wasted: 6 minutes 30 seconds
How ’bout that? Six-and-a-half minutes, and that’s not even including the knee-slide after his goal.
To put that in context, that’s about half the length of time it takes to cook your average thin-crust spinach and ricotta pizza – or one third the length of time it takes a ’96 plate Vauxhall Corsa to start of a morning between the end of November and the beginning of February the following year. Hope that helps.
Strangely, however, The Sun have Drogba’s total floor-flirting time as a mere three minutes and 18 seconds. In conclusion, no-one knows anything and all the above information is entirely moot.