Which Chelsea Player Cuts Up His Team-Mates’ Pants?

Ollie Irish

23rd, August 2010


FOOTBALL players seem to love playing childish, sub-Jackass pranks on their team-mates – at least, the witless English ones do.

The News of the Screws reported yesterday that Chelsea have been struck by a phantom pants-slasher, who has been sneaking into the Blues’ dressing room and cutting up the players’ designer pants. Whatever next – a shit in a shoe?

Remarkably, this has been going on for a full year.

“It’s gone on for about a year,” said Frank Lampard. “We get in to find the bum cheeks cut out of our underpants.

“It has to be one of the players. They are the only ones with access. You might get two hits in a week, then he won’t attack for a month or so.

“I’ve a good idea who it is but wouldn’t dream of making accusations until I have proof. (But) I hope it’s soon – it’s costing a fortune in designer underwear!”

Okay, let’s hear your guesses. I’m going with Michael Essien, who just seems like the twinkly-eyed sort who would prank his team-mates. Or, it could be Lampsy himself, with a cunning smokescreen. This is a case for Columbo…

What’s your guess?