Dumb Football: Is Stan Collymore a Sky Sports robot controlled by Jamie Redknapp?

Ollie Irish

27th, October 2009

7 Comments

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Collymore’s Wikipedia entry lists him as a ‘retired footballer’. Shouldn’t that be ‘retarded footballer’?

Stan the Man penned a quite incredible treatise in the Mirror yesterday, expounding the Stan Collymore Formula For a Brighter, More Entertaining Premier League – cause, you know, as a league it’s really struggling right now (zoinks!).

Here are a few choice quotes from what ranks as one of the most ill-conceived pieces of sensationalist ‘journalism’ (zoinks!) I’ve ever read:

Stan says: “I would actually like to see the Premier League comprised solely of the 20-25 clubs who have been the biggest and most successful sides in modern history.”

Pies says: How very forward-thinking of you, Stan. Quick, shut the door before Stoke and Hull get in… shit, too late.

* * * * *

Stan says: “And there would be no promotion or relegation which would allow those teams to grow.”

Pies says: To grow – yeah, at the expense of all other teams, who would be forced to look in, freezing faces pressed against the window of Stan’s cosy shop. This isn’t the NFL, with established franchises and a college system – football clubs need the carrot/stick of promotion/relegation to fuel ambition.

* * * * *

Stan says: “Fans around the world want to see the huge games – not clashes involving clubs like Barnsley, Watford or Hull.”

Pies says (in Chandler Bing voice): Could you be any more patronising? OK, you have a point about Hull. Still, I’m starting to think now that Stan is actually a robot made by Sky Sports and controlled from a glass booth inside Stamford Bridge by Jamie Redknapp. “This is a huge game, Richard, huge.”

* * * * *

Stan says: “My main grievance is the reason why the likes of Wigan, Hull and Reading have got into the Premier League. For the most part it is due to wealthy benefactors who have bought into them because they are cheap investments.”

Pies says: And what about the way in which the big Prem clubs use their power and wealth to maintain an oligarchical regime? You can only make money from the lucrative Champions League if, er, you’re in the Champions League – that money allows you to balance your books/buy better players than other clubs, which … keeps you in the lucrative Champions League. Vicious circle alert. Never mind that Wigan and co. got into the Prem by playing better football than their rivals in the Championship.

* * * * *

Stan says: “Most people with the of greatest respect do not tune in to watch Wigan against Hull – they tune in to watch Liverpool versus Chelsea.”

Pies says: Yeah, he’s definitely a Sky Sports robot controlled by Jamie Redknapp.

What do you make of Stan’s guff? Do you think he has a point, even a teensy-weensy point? Or is he just a dumb Brummie with a penchant for dogging?

[Cheers to Danny Jamieson for bringing the article to my attention]

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7 Comments

  1. Barack says:

    I’d like to tick a box with “just a dumb Brummie with a penchant for dogging” written beside it. But he’s got a point, big clubs are often more entertaining than struggling ones (what a genius !)

  2. Philando Torres says:

    What a bell end.

    In this age of mega money and the Top Four, who isn’t fascinated and encouraged by the likes of Wigan and Hull who’ve risen from the bottom tier to play Premier League football?

    I’ll say again, Stan Collymore is a bell end. He should stick to dogging.

  3. Danny Jamieson says:

    He wasn’t even that good at dogging, didn’t he get caught?

    Anyway, this article really riled me, there would be no point to football if the Premiership was a closed shop, what would the likes of Portsmouth, West Ham, Leeds and Newcastle think if they just get battered every week by their far richer opposition? Basically if you’re going down this road then you might as well do away with any games at all, just decide that Man Utd (for example) are the best team ever and leave it there. Hey presto we lose the game we love and are forced into watching cricket. Cheers Stan.

  4. Daz says:

    Why not have a ban on all transfer activity too Stan?
    That way you would have never been allowed to move away from the lofty heights of Crystal Palace or Southend, to the ‘big’ teams like Liverpool – who incidentally never looked like winning the Premiership while you were there – ah and that means of course you could have never been promoted.
    Damn, I bet you would prefer the transfers to remain as they are no doubt.
    Idiot.

  5. willo says:

    Another load of crap from Stan the wan….ker.
    I’m quite worried really because if the Premier League don’t agree with him he might punch them then publicly humiliate you in a car park at night. Hang on. I take that back , there are no women on the Premier League committee.

    It’s the only time I turn off Talksport when he is prattling on sucking in his dribbles every few words…..and those lists he reads when any team is mentioned to show he is clever, lol.. No doubt the biggest ex-player tosspot that the English media has dragged up. He just don’t talk sense.

    Tommy Smyth “with a Y’ seems suddenly very attractive in comparison.

  6. ned flanders says:

    >I’m quite worried really because if the Premier League don’t agree >with him he might punch them then publicly humiliate you in a car park >at night. Hang on. I take that back , there are no women on the >Premier League committee.

    >No doubt the biggest ex-player tosspot that the English media has >dragged up

    >Tommy Smyth “with a Y’ seems suddenly very attractive in comparison.

    Wow! Three great lines in one post.
    Give this man Willo his own blog.

    Collymore is an idiot but give him credit for calling Bruce a moron for that man of the match award he gave to Beckham a while back.

    Then again if Bruce and Collymore were to be shot in outer space, wed all be better off.

  7. I fixed Wikipedia entry for you ….

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