‘Jag Är Zlatan’ – Top 15 Quotes From Zlatan Ibrahimovic’s Almighty New Book

Chris Wright

10th, November 2011


By Chris Wright

Zlatan Ibrahimovic has written a book and, from the sound of the quotes that have been drip-dripping for the past few days, it’s exactly the kind of book that you’d expect – namely, 300 pages documenting his innate greatness and comprehensively listing all the people he wants to kick into the middle of next week.

Sadly, Ibra’s tome is not going to be translated into English for some reason, so we thought we’d bring you the best quotes that we’ve heard translated from the Swedish vernacular since ‘Jar Är Zlatan’ (I Am Zlatan) started circulating last week…

1. “I got a bike when I was little, a BMX. I called it ‘Fido Dido’ after the tough little cartoon guy with spiked hair. I thought he was the coolest thing ever.

“The bike got stolen outside of the Rosengård swimming baths and Dad went there with his shirt open and sleeves rolled up. He’s the kind of person that says: ‘No one touches my kids! No one takes their stuff’. But not even a tough guy like him could do anything about it. Fido Dido was gone, and I was crushed.”

2. “I felt like crap when I was sitting in the locker room with Guardiola staring at me like I was an annoying distraction, an outsider. It was nuts. He was a wall, a stone wall. I didn’t get any sign of life from him and I was wishing myself away every moment with the team.”

3. “Then Guardiola started his philosopher thing. I was barely listening. Why would I? It was advanced bullshit about blood, sweat and tears, that kind of stuff.”

4. “Jose Mourinho is a big star…He’s cool. The first time he met [my wife] he whispered to her: ‘Helena, you have only one mission. Feed Zlatan, let him sleep, keep him happy!’ The guy says what he wants. I like him.”

5. “Mourinho is Guardiola’s opposite. If Mourinho brightens up the room, Guardiola pulls down the curtains and I guessed that Guardiola now tried to measure himself with him.”

6. “An injured Zlatan is a pretty serious thing for any team.”

7. “Lionel Messi is awesome. He’s unbelievable, but I don’t really know him. We are totally different. He came to Barça as a 13-year old. He’s raised in that culture and has no problems with that ‘school’ shit. In the team, the play is all around him, pretty naturally actually. He’s brilliant, but now I had arrived [at Barca] and scored more goals than him.”

8. “It was a childhood dream [to play for Barca] and I was walking on air. It started well but then Messi started to talk. He wanted to play in the middle, not on the wing, so the system changed. I was sacrificed.”

9. “I barely yelled at my teammates any more. Something had happened, nothing serious, not yet, but still. I became quiet and that’s lethal, believe me. I have to be angry to play well. I have to scream and shout. Now I kept it in.”

10. “I asked for a meeting with Guardiola – for a discussion, not an argument. I said I was being used in the wrong way and that they shouldn’t have bought me if they wanted another type of player.

“I told him what a friend had said to me – ‘you bought a Ferrari but drive it like a Fiat’. The chat seemed to go well but then Guardiola started to freeze me out.”


11. “I would walk into a room; he would leave. He would greet everyone by saying hello, but would ignore me. I had done a lot to adapt – the Barca players were like schoolboys, following the coach blindly, whereas I was used to asking ‘why should we?”

12. “At Barca, players were banned from driving their sports cars to training. I thought this was ridiculous – it was no one’s business what car I drive – so in April, before a match with Almeria, I drove my Ferrari Enzo to work. It caused a scene.”

13. “(Guardiola) was staring at me and I lost it. I thought ‘there is my enemy, scratching his bald head!’. I yelled to him: ‘You have no balls!’ and probably worse things than that.

“I added: ‘You are shitting yourself because of Jose Mourinho. You can go to hell!’. I was completely mad. I threw a box full of training gear across the room, it crashed to the floor and Pep said nothing, just put stuff back in the box. I’m not violent, but if I were Guardiola I would have been frightened.”

14. On reports of ‘excessive behaviour’ following Juventus’ 2005 title win: “It was the fault of David Trezeguet, who made me do one drink of vodka after another. I slept in the bathtub. Now I hold my vodka much better.”

15. When asked about Mario Balotelli’s recent tomfoolery: “I like fireworks too, but I set them off in gardens or kebab stands. I never set fire to my own house.”

(The last two quotes are lifted from a Gazzetta interview with Ibra conducted during his promo tour – though the questions were based on excerpts from the book)

While we’re pretty sure ‘Jar Är Zlatan’ must touch on other subjects (surely there’s at least one chapter dedicated to Gerard Pique?), it certainly seems that at least 80% of the book is just full-on Pep-bashing which, in theory, should make for a decent read.

And remember kids! Only set off fireworks at kebab stands!

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  1. kct says:

    If what he’s saying is true, what a bunch of bores at barcelona!

  2. Saladinho says:

    I need to get this book!! Hope it gets translated to English though. Zlatan is King!

  3. Madjair says:

    @ kct: It’s not quite objective though, coming from a total nutcase, is it?

  4. JotaJota says:

    Typical reaction of a true loser who thinks he’s the best.

  5. fafaf says:

    Yeah Ibrahimovic is such a loser, he’s only won about 20 trophies.

  6. gamblino says:

    The best thing about this is just the thought of how much power little Messi has! The best ever club side built for him.

  7. says:

    “I’m not violent”, which is why there’s a dozen or more videos of me kicking team mates online

  8. Aarony says:

    Wouldn’t be surprised if Nicklas “greatest striker in the world” Bendtner came up with a book bashing everyone too.

  9. Archbishop Betty Snagcock says:

    God Guardiola does really seem to struggle with any hint of controversial personality but Zlatan can’t really think he’s better than messi.

    If Guardiola goes to another club he’s gonna struggle to be successful, no doubt

  10. MrMac says:

    “Advanced bullshit about blood, sweat and tears”

    Fuck he’s awesome.

    Bendtner doesn’t even come close – atleast not yet.

    I’m hoping he’ll grow up and take over after the dark lord zlatan retires.

  11. Jamie says:

    There two chapters on Pique, including one steamy shower scene. lol

  12. Nick Sincere says:

    Come on, sure Ibra’s teams have won some league titles with him there but really, since Guardiola came Barca have won everything, some things more than once and his players are loyal and like him. So throwing shit around, threatening the coach, deliberately disobeying the coach’s rules, that’s schoolboy stuff right there. Actually, it sounds like Zibra is trying to be as tough as his Dad, which by the nature of it he won’t ever be because in his little boy’s eyes, his Dad is the toughest ever. Poor guy.

  13. Godfrey says:

    How sad of zlatan. Yes u don’t like pep and barca players beheave like school boy but the fact is they are the best and they work great cause the act as a team and respect each other, something a wannabe Macho man like u won’t know and he should know that he can never be half the player Messi is.

  14. Rob says:

    What a prima donna! I don’t want to play this position and I don’t feel like running back and helping the team defend…

  15. John S says:

    OH my at most of the above comments. Perhaps try not seeing it from an English-press perspective? Granted you’re in the English-speaking western world and evidently at their mercy when it comes to forming your own opinions. Obviously he’s a right to be frustrated when a club has lauded him as the next big thing for their future, to play alongside the self-proclaimed best player, and then turns around to treat him like this? He’s clearly a truly talented player – troubled I will admit – but nevertheless on a par with Cristiano Ronaldo and Messi in terms of what he can do with a ball.

    Unfortunately he isn’t as driven as the aforementioned but I find him just as entertaining, and it’s good to finally get some insight into that absolutely arrogant club.

  16. Skroojohn S says:


  17. Trollin says:


    Everybody above this line is Jelly.

    Zlatan is king.

  18. Andy says:

    I love Zlatan. He’s like the Swedish Roy Keane. Says whatever the fuck he wants

  19. Davorin says:

    He’s a character and has a ton of personality. You have to appreciate this. Of course, this type of person cannot be a good fit everywhere, and Barca was one of those places. Neither side is to blame. You have no heart if you do not enjoy Zlatan’s approach to the game and to life.

  20. Diego says:

    To John S,
    The same level as Ronaldo and Messi? Seriously?

    No, I mean, SERIOUSLY??????

    I have lived in Sweden for many years with no “influence from the evil western world and their journalists”. And I speak Swedish. I can say this:
    – Zlatan is waaaaay over rated.
    – Zlatan is full of himself and too blinded with pride he will never be half the player Ronaldo and Messi are.
    – The other day the Swedish media was surprised he wasnt in the Ballon D Or list. I wasnt, but hell i laughed.
    – There are at least ten Swedish players better than him. Johan Elmander is on top.
    – Sweden and Milan play better when hes not there.

    • dasaad says:

      wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow you are fucking stupid. You think fucking Elmander is better than Zlatan… You have celarly never watched sweden play then and 10 players in sweden are better than him? Bitch please Källström? Toivonen? Isaksson Guidetti? Håll bara käften

  21. wqwerty says:

    I’m gonna learn swedish just so i can read his book

  22. Morten says:

    The new book is absolutely fantastic. I wrote about “I am Zlatan” on my blog: http://ratemybooks.com/2011/i-am-zlatan-ibrahimovic/

  23. mister-mister says:

    He is a very skill full player, but he is so fucking lazy..unbelievable.

  24. Ron says:

    It’s always weird to me that headcases like this don’t have a family member or other loved one or even a friend to caution them about writing such things and how they will come off to the public.

    It’s okay to be confident, but it’s just weird to write 300 pages about how wonderful you are & detailing every single thing that has happened in your life.

    I understand if you are trying to cash in on 15 minutes of fame, but jeez, dudes like this are flush with money. Just shut up and play.

    Sounds like a real wacko.

  25. dino says:

    zlatan IS KING! came up form the ghetto plays amazing, do u even watch his games? that guy can do anything he wants whn he wants! pasing amazing if he play mid he would be just as good or better than xavi or who ever the fuck, trust me. i jsut watched milan vs fiorentina..zlatan kills it, hes foolign arodun with everyone

  26. Davorin says:

    Far from a wacko, Zlatan is a highly intelligent man that is not afraid of being himself. If something is not good, he is the type of guy that will tell you; and you must deal with it. Men like this are not afraid to ruffle feathers, and as so they should be highly regarded and respected. Of course there is some virtue in tact, but there is also much to be admired about such a fearless approach to life.

  27. Varun says:

    Bitching about your ex-team, their system and their coach because they win/won too much without him, OK.

    Enjoy the book sheep’s, he’s got good book marketers must admit.

  28. Ireadthebook says:

    Essentially all the quotes in this article are taken from the first chapter of the book, whence one may get the completely wrong impression that the whole thing is about Barcelona. It is not. It is the life story of Zlatan from his own perspective, describing his carreer from the ghetto to the international football elite.

    The book is very well written (its style reminded me a lot of Trainspotting), and those people (like me) can also enjoy it who do not particularly like Ibrahimovic.

  29. Nilsson says:

    To everybody who doubts Zlatan: Yes, he is different. Yes, he is aggressive. But that is, because he grew up like that. He always had to be like that and he didnt give up that attitude. He had a hard time in Barca, and noone really can deny that. He wasnt able to play his game, because Guardiola sacrificed him for his precious Messi, who didnt want to be overshadowed by Ibrahimovic.
    If you need a proof for his greatness, just look at his years in Italy. Every single season he has been there, his team won the scudetto. Milan won it, after not having won it for 17 fucking years!! And then he gets there, pumps up the whole team and they fucking won the fucking scudetto!!! What more proof do you fucking need?! Now, stop complaining, and just get along with the fact, that Zlatan Ibrahimovic is one of the greatest players ever!

    Oh and btw, I read the book. It is sooo worth reading!

  30. Leif E Ström says:

    Zlatan and Messi have the same problem when the play in th national team. But theres a big different. In Argentina Messi is no Messias, because he meets defenders and with play of higher qulity. Zlatan has his ups & downs, but if you look att Youtube there is no one like him. Messi, Ronaldo and all the other stars can collect all their success Zlatan beats them all.
    Messi is like a Tommy-gun that works all the time. Zlatan is at times like a dormant cannon, but when he detonates no one can avoid getting hit. Merry Christmas to all “tomtar” that like the game: green area of chess.

  31. Edin says:

    A bunch of biased opinions.
    Can’t blame Ibra for wanting to go to Barca, as Barca is most player’s dream team to play for. But you can blame Guardiola for paying 69 million euros to buy a player of Ibra’s character and style of play. He is obviously the kind of player and the kind of person who you can’t teach much nor tell what to do. Usually I hate those types of assholes, but you can’t hate Ibra because it works for him and for every club he plays for. Even for Barca he scored 21 goals and 9 assists in 30 starts. Top scorer of the Serie A with Inter in 09 and very likely top scorer this season with Milan even though he is 30 years old.
    Pep is an idiot for buying a Ferrari and trying to soop it up rice style.
    Btw you can’t compare Ibra with Messi or Ronaldo as they play with totally different style/different position/and Messi and Ronaldo play for better clubs with better players who can better feed them the ball and distract opponents/and are not even close in age. A couple years ago Ibra’s stats were better than both Ronaldo’s and Messi’s.
    As crazy as he is(runs in his Bosnian blood), he’s still one of the greatest strikers to ever play the game.

    As for Messi.. he will retire as THE greatest soccer player of all time as long as he stays healthy.. that’s an undeniable future fact

  32. jc says:

    The first half of the book is about Zlatan’s childhood, it’s not a book about Pep. That’s just media’s story to try sell articles. It’s a brilliant book that puts his actions in perspective. Don’t be to quick crucifying Ibrahimovic. He’s a good guy and a great player.
    And the book is called “JAG är Zlatan Ibrahimovic’. Get your story straight.

  33. Milanista says:

    To edin: Milan is as good as Barca and real. Maybe Even better cuz we dont know a thing untill the winner og the CL is crowned

  34. e-ja says:

    The e-book by Zlatan Ibrahimovic “I am Zlatan” is available at Amazon in English…here is the link:


  35. […] “Then Guardiola started his philosopher thing. I was barely listening. Why would I? It was advance… […]

  36. […] but he needs to be exactly that: for this team. If he manages to project any of that brooding “I am Zlatan Ibrahimovic” energy on the field, he’ll be a chemistry concern… but Van Bommel should be able to keep […]

  37. Neil says:

    what an idiot! I think you’d have to pay me to read this

  38. dickrider jackson says:

    maaaannns, zlatan is so shit, hes wills never bes half da player dats messi is, messi is da greatest talent ever, ive never seen ANYONE dos whats messi does, messi is like beckenbauer,pele,maradonna and peter schmeichel all in one!!!!!!fuck you zlatan, your actually the worst, cant believe you think your good, its not like youve ever done good in your career…..

  39. FORZA JUVE says:

    His quotes are funny, very funny, but true. not like balotelli which are more stupid than funny.

  40. maurii says:

    Zlatan ibrahiomvic is the best player in the world.
    Its a legend

  41. […] some great power’s employ ((and as always, Zlatan Ibrahimović will take the credit)), Sweden rose up at the 62nd minute like an almost impossible to defeat final boss. And for the […]

  42. Lucas says:

    Get more knowledge about the book before you comment please.
    And btw the book is absolutely not 80% about bashing guardiola.
    And yes I have read the book *Jag är Zlatan.

  43. Anonymous says:

    What does it take u 2b a legend? By winning medals both as individual& as a team, single handedly driving ur team 2glory.Ibracadabra have done all dis. Been arrogant those nt mean u ar nt a legend coz football world still remember maradona. A great striker

  44. Fñarf says:

    Hail Zlatan

  45. “An injured Zlatan is a pretty serious thing for any team.” says:

    “An injured Zlatan is a pretty serious thing for any team.”

  46. […] 15. When his autobiography I Am Zlatan came out and minds were melted. […]

  47. Anonymous says:

    Man alot of dumbasses are here…ofcourse zlatan is alongside messi and Ronaldo r u guys blind! If cristiano wasn’t my fav player he would b…..hes a great fareal and he says what he wants that’s alot like me…..ppl should recognize his talent more tho more like underrated than over to me

  48. Steve says:

    Great player. A world top ten 10 player. But dumb as fuck, almost like a kid.

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