By Ollie Irish
Katy Perry (West Ham) – See that scene in Pulp Fiction when Samuel Jackson’s character explains why he rarely eats burgers: “… My girlfriend’s a vegetarian. Which more or less makes me a vegetarian.” Perry is a West Ham fan only because soulmate Russell Brand is a West Ham fan (a real one). In other words, she’s not a West Ham fan at all and couldn’t tell the difference between Rob Green and Carlton Cole.
Prince William (Aston Villa) – In his early teens, HRH Wills chose to support Villa for reasons of geography and diplomacy: “It’s kind of in the middle of the country, isn’t it?” he said. Translation: “One must be even-handed – and not a little patronising – when dealing with one’s people, mustn’t one?” But he does own a Villa beanie hat, so I suppose some sort of bonus point is in order, your majesty.
David Cameron (Aston Villa) – The current British Prime Minister (Eton, Oxford) is as posh as Prince William, so he also chose a club in Middle England. Why Villa? His uncle, Sir William Dugdale, was Villa’s chairman in the late 1970s. Sir William Dugdale. Sounds like a straight-up hooligan.
Sylvester Stallone (Everton) – Once held up an Everton scarf to the Goodison faithful. Everton are the People’s Club, which fits with Sly’s well-maintained public image as the People’s Shit Action Hero.
Michael Jackson (Exeter City) – “When I asked him what does he know about soccer he said ‘absolutely nothing but I love Exeter City,’” said spoonman Uri Geller, master of bullshit and the self-proclaimed best friend of the now-dead King of Pop. In 2002, Geller saw to it that Jackson was made an honorary director of Exeter. City’s lack of success therafter – ever, to be fair – no doubt drove the final nail into Jacko’s solid gold coffin.
Lily Allen (Fulham) – Cried like a girl when Fulham lost in the Europa League final last season. Funny that, as no Fulham fan I know has ever seen her at Craven Cottage. Maybe twice, then. On this score, the singer can’t touch Hugh Grant, who is a proper Fulham fan and goes all the time, albeit with his wooden face always concealed under a baseball cap.
Tom Hanks (Aston Villa) – “I know a good football match when I see one. Years ago I was watching TV, a pretty good game with Aston Villa and I thought, ‘I like that name and those colours.’ Anybody can root for Chelsea for God’s sake!” Prince William, David Cameron… the co-star of Turner & Hooch. Quite the lineage.
Barack Obama (West Ham) – “Obama is a big sports nut and loves his soccer,” a source once lied. “He never really followed it, though [a-ha!], until he was told all about the passion of West Ham fans by some of his English relatives. He’s always keen to find out how his adopted club are getting on.” Second-hand passion – you can’t beat it.
Mike Tyson (Peterborough United) – Iron Mike showed up at Peterborough’s London Road last week, prompting people to gasp and say “Is that Mike Tyson?! Can’t be.. but it does look like his crackhead uncle.” Tyson grabbed the mic and told the expectant fans that he had never, ever heard of Peterborough United. We appreciate such honesty, really.
Derek Smalls (Shrewsbury Town or West Ham?) – In ‘Spinal Tap’ Smalls is seen wearing both a Shrewsbury Town shirt (the airport scanner scene) and a West Ham cap. Conclusion: Lukewarm is full of crap. Or confused.