Top 10 Least Convincing Celebrity Football Fans

Ollie Irish

21st, July 2010


By Ollie Irish

Katy Perry (West Ham) – See that scene in Pulp Fiction when Samuel Jackson’s character explains why he rarely eats burgers: “… My girlfriend’s a vegetarian. Which more or less makes me a vegetarian.” Perry is a West Ham fan only because soulmate Russell Brand is a West Ham fan (a real one). In other words, she’s not a West Ham fan at all and couldn’t tell the difference between Rob Green and Carlton Cole.

Prince William (Aston Villa) – In his early teens, HRH Wills chose to support Villa for reasons of geography and diplomacy: “It’s kind of in the middle of the country, isn’t it?” he said. Translation: “One must be even-handed – and not a little patronising – when dealing with one’s people, mustn’t one?” But he does own a Villa beanie hat, so I suppose some sort of bonus point is in order, your majesty.

David Cameron (Aston Villa) – The current British Prime Minister (Eton, Oxford) is as posh as Prince William, so he also chose a club in Middle England. Why Villa? His uncle, Sir William Dugdale, was Villa’s chairman in the late 1970s. Sir William Dugdale. Sounds like a straight-up hooligan.

Sylvester Stallone (Everton) – Once held up an Everton scarf to the Goodison faithful. Everton are the People’s Club, which fits with Sly’s well-maintained public image as the People’s Shit Action Hero.

Michael Jackson (Exeter City) – “When I asked him what does he know about soccer he said ‘absolutely nothing but I love Exeter City,'” said spoonman Uri Geller, master of bullshit and the self-proclaimed best friend of the now-dead King of Pop. In 2002, Geller saw to it that Jackson was made an honorary director of Exeter. City’s lack of success therafter – ever, to be fair – no doubt drove the final nail into Jacko’s solid gold coffin.

Lily Allen (Fulham) – Cried like a girl when Fulham lost in the Europa League final last season. Funny that, as no Fulham fan I know has ever seen her at Craven Cottage. Maybe twice, then. On this score, the singer can’t touch Hugh Grant, who is a proper Fulham fan and goes all the time, albeit with his wooden face always concealed under a baseball cap.

Tom Hanks (Aston Villa) – “I know a good football match when I see one. Years ago I was watching TV, a pretty good game with Aston Villa and I thought, ‘I like that name and those colours.’ Anybody can root for Chelsea for God’s sake!” Prince William, David Cameron… the co-star of Turner & Hooch. Quite the lineage.

Barack Obama (West Ham) – “Obama is a big sports nut and loves his soccer,” a source once lied. “He never really followed it, though [a-ha!], until he was told all about the passion of West Ham fans by some of his English relatives. He’s always keen to find out how his adopted club are getting on.” Second-hand passion – you can’t beat it.

Mike Tyson (Peterborough United) – Iron Mike showed up at Peterborough’s London Road last week, prompting people to gasp and say “Is that Mike Tyson?! Can’t be.. but it does look like his crackhead uncle.” Tyson grabbed the mic and told the expectant fans that he had never, ever heard of Peterborough United. We appreciate such honesty, really.

Derek Smalls (Shrewsbury Town or West Ham?) – In ‘Spinal Tap’ Smalls is seen wearing both a Shrewsbury Town shirt (the airport scanner scene) and a West Ham cap. Conclusion: Lukewarm is full of crap. Or confused.

Posted in Aston Villa, Everton, Featured, Fulham, Top 10s & lists, West Ham Utd

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  1. Deckard says:

    Hahahaha Tom Hanks holds up scarf and thinks: “who are what the fuck is Aston Villa??”

    Btw Katy Perry is seriously FUGLY

  2. Dan M says:

    To be fair to Ms Perry, she HAS been seen at at least one game at The Boleyn. I know this as I saw her.

  3. Etta says:

    dude, you must be the only Fulham fan in the world to not know who Lily Allen’s dad is. Google it She’s been a Fulham fan practically since conception.

  4. Neil says:

    Rich when posted on a site with a URL ending in .tv as to indulge a self belief in importance. A few valid points, but not what I had hoped for from this ‘article.’

  5. TSS says:

    Perry is the standard ‘I support who my boyfriend supports’ kind of girl. Saves arguments; I know a married Liverpool and Everton fan who don’t talk for weeks on end after most matches between the teams!

  6. LittleLordFuantelroy says:

    i like west ham

  7. spectator says:

    tom cruise and will farrel don’t get a mention?

  8. David Macbeth says:

    “Btw Katy Perry is seriously FUGLY”

    You sir, are a buffoon!

  9. Deckard says:

    Hahahaha shut up you mug. And I guess you spontaneously cum in your pants upon sight of her. Wtf is hot or elegant about Katy Perry, nothing. Not even them 6 layers of mascara make her prettier than a donkey’s ass.

  10. David Macbeth says:

    “And I guess you spontaneously cum in your pants upon sight of her.”

    Every time, sometimes twice!

  11. fuzzy says:

    obamas part was funny.

  12. Me says:

    What about Leo Gregory for Tottenham? He’s a real fan.

  13. Tatum says:

    Ugh, celebrity shams make me sick. Geri Halliwell is the worst example I can think of, she’s a Chelsea “fan” apparently. Since Abramovich took over anyway. I agree that Katy Perry is FUGLY. Worse than that in fact, she looks like she enjoys farting.

  14. Deckard says:

    Politicians are the worst fans. See David Cameron pulling out his hair when England got fucked up by Germany. As if he cares, only when there’s a camera rolling anyway.

  15. bd says:

    lily allen really is a fulham fan.

  16. 1874fc says:

    so let me get this right,

    Villa have got the leader of the country, royalty, AND Prince William?

    how about shifting us a few quid, eh chaps?

    p.s. I think it was Prince William at Arsenal away in 1996 2-2 in the league cup

  17. Sid says:

    American Footabll(Gridiron) the most boring Sport ever!

  18. John says:

    Like it – very witty!

  19. Anonymous says:

    Actually I met Tom Hanks at a Villa game when they played Portland Timbers last summer in a friendly he attended the game.

  20. Crusader says:

    The Queen is a West Ham fan, started following them during the Blitz, so no surprise that her grandchildren followed her.

    Lily Allen is about as staunch a Fulham as you can get, generations of it.

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