By Chris Wright
Referee Martin Wekesa Wamalwa is in the process of suing the Kenyan football federation (the FKF) after having his plums nearly twisted off by a manager during an altercation during a match he was officiating back in September 2012.
The local derby between Admiral and Sparki Youth had to be abandoned with just two minutes left to play when Sparki coach Daudi Kajembe grabbed Wamalwa by the nards and squeezed, leaving the poor referee sprawling in agony on the floor before he was taken to hospital with chronic testicular torsion – three words that should never, ever be that close to each other.
Wamalwa later recounted the ordeal to a local news station:
“That was the most gruesome moment of my life, I can never explain the pain but I am lucky to be alive.
“On that day I remember I fainted after the guy attacked me squeezing me dangerously in my sensitive parts. I remember waking up three hours later while in hospital and it has been a long time to recovery.
“I was affected mentally and physically as well since I became a subject of ridicule in town.”
According to the statement made on Wamalwa’s behalf by his lawyer, the former referee has “suffered permanent incapacity and can no longer enjoy his conjugal rights as required by following extensive damage to his sexual organs,” which, in Layman’s Terms, means his wanger won’t wang anymore.
Understandably, Wamalwa is now seeking compensation for his injuries and had filed a lawsuit against the FKF for 20 million Kenyan Shillings – which works out at about $240,000 (£156,000) – which is presumably the monetary equivalent of the amount of nookie he’s missed since the assault.
If the presiding judge is a man then we’re fairly confident he’ll get his money.