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10 Footballers That Just Look Far, Far Too Old

By Chris Wright

After being genuinely taken aback by some stunning ‘Pablo Zabaleta’s year of birth’-related trivia in the pub last night (more on that later), Pies have cobbled together a list of ten currently active footballers who just look far, far too old for dates on their birth certificates…

Jay Spearing, Liverpool (supposed ‘real’ age: 23)

Looks like a ‘lifer’ as they call them in the trade.

Arjen Robben, Bayern Munich (supposed ‘real’ age: 27)

With his hairline rapidly receding from the age of 20, Robben now does a fine impression of a 47-year old chartered surveyor and self-anointed dinner party wine expert: “The ’57 Chateau du Malt Vinaigre has subtle undertones of tarmac and Opal Fruits,” etc, etc.

Hendry Thomas, Wigan (supposed ‘real’ age: 26)

He’s seen things you people couldn’t imagine.

Kevin McNaughton, Cardiff City (supposed ‘real’ age: 29)

Sian Massey’s former touchline shovin’ buddy surrendered his barnet pigment years ago and, what with his relatively recent beard addition, the 29-year old McNaughton of today could quite easily pass for 45+ should he want/need to at any point.

Wayne Rooney, Man Utd (supposed ‘real’ age: 26)

Like a steaming joint of boiled ham with eyebrows.

Shane Duffy, Everton (supposed ‘real’ age: 20)

Looks like he’s being played by Daniel Day Lewis.

Jimmy Bullard, Ipswich (supposed ‘real’ age: 33)

Fair enough, Jimmy’s no spring chicken any more. That said, the fact remains that he’s looked like a melting waxwork of himself for at least a decade and the now-greying hair doesn’t exactly help matters. He looks like the ghost of an Elizabethan peasant woman.

Pablo Zabaleta, Man City (supposed ‘real’ age: 27)

As alluded to earlier, I’m now a full English tenner worse off because Man City’s very own ‘Boxer the Cart-Horse’ isn’t “at least 33″.

Steven Fletcher, Wolves (supposed ‘real’ age: 24)

24? Bollocks.

Charlie Adam, Liverpool (supposed ‘real’ age: 26)

The poor guy looks like he’s been bare-knuckle boxing in Glasgow warehouses every night of the week for 20 years, and brushing his teeth with supermarket Scotch every following morning.

Honorary mentions: Obafemi ‘Please Produce Your Birth Certificate’ Martins, Gabriel ‘Vintage Parsnip’ Obertan, Shaun ‘Joe Bugner’s Former Sparring Partner’ Derry, Yao ‘Ancient Medicine Man’ Gervinho, both Paul Robinsons, John ’32 Forever’ Terry, Jose ‘Hair? Yes, I Remember Hair’ Reina…

Also, we couldn’t let an article about old-looking footballers pass by without including a nod to this man…

Alan Cork, formerly of Sheffield United – seen here aged 19…ish.

Any old-looking buggers we’ve missed? Feel free to give us a nudge ‘downstairs’…

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By Chris on January 18th, 2012 in Featured, Funnies, Top 10s & lists. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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64 Responses to “10 Footballers That Just Look Far, Far Too Old”

  1. Jeppe says:

    Emerson of Juventus. Looks like he’s been mining coal for the last forty years http://tinyurl.com/8xpswh6

  2. Mick Corr says:

    Yakubu???

  3. Michael says:

    Scott Carson looked older at 20 than I do now at 28!

  4. Jon says:

    Jeremy Toulalan?

  5. sweek says:

    Jimmy Bullard is long gone at Fulham. :) Ipswich now.

  6. bluemoon70 says:

    I just knew Robben was like 34. Amazing. Great list!

  7. HJ says:

    Andy Warrington of Rotherham is 35 but looks at least 50.

  8. Goaltastic says:

    I refuse to believe that Chris Samba is a day under 40.

    • Chris says:

      @Goaltastic: I’d describe him as ‘weathered’.

      @Betty: I could be wrong, but I think his hair was going before that.

      @Dennis: 20? With hair like that?

  9. dennis says:

    We’ve got one in the Netherlands.
    Aleksandr Stankov from FC Oss.
    http://www.goal.com/en/people/macedonia/40826/aleksandar-stankov

  10. Archbishop Betty Snagcock says:

    remember chris robben had testicular cancer,i dunno if hair grows back that well after chemo, any medics out there?

  11. aley ssong says:

    mention: garry ‘bananas’ neville, sir alex ‘bushly’ fergie,robbie ‘savvy’ savege and seb ‘torid, squillaci looks like they saw the first ww

  12. Satyam says:

    How can you forget DROGBA?!

  13. juancullo says:

    Darron Gibson

  14. Jimbo says:

    How could you leave out Jeremy Toulalan? The original Silver Fox.

  15. Bof says:

    @Jon Yakubu does not only look old. He is old.

  16. Mark says:

    I think you’re confusing old with ugly.

  17. ELDV says:

    Not forgetting the ‘Penna Bianca’ (White Feather), Fabrizio Ravanelli, here signing for Boro aged 27: http://www.mfc.co.uk/javaImages/9b/f8/0,,1~9500827,00.jpg

  18. Davy says:

    Diego Forlan…He looks like the upside down old woman/or horse mind fuck thing

  19. Archbishop Betty Snagcock says:

    hendry thomas is unbelievable

  20. anonymoose says:

    I thought Obertan would be a dead cert.

    • Chris says:

      @Anonymoose: He was considered, but how can you properly determine the age of something that doesn’t actually look human?

  21. Mr. Sparkle says:

    They’re all secretarial Nigerian…anyway you ought to do a list of their alter-egos, those who look too young…

  22. Manolo Garnix says:

    Cambiasso was the first player that I thought of.

  23. @Chris
    Chop the neck and count the rings?

  24. dan says:

    mario balotelli ???

  25. Paul Kirkland says:

    Giggsy anyone? 38 now but looks old enough to be my great grandfather when he grows facial hair

  26. Paul says:

    There was no point in having a top 10 with Hendry Thomas on the list. He must have done something horrendous in a former life to look like that at his age. Although i heard playing for Wigan can have that affect on a man, i believe it’s called the Graham Kavanagh effect

  27. nigel says:

    definatly david wheater too

  28. Foran44 says:

    Gilberto?…the man looked like he was there before Highbury

  29. Adrien says:

    If any of you have the WC 2010 Panini album, check out the North Korean team. From memory, their keeper looks about 45.

  30. shay says:

    I personally think Rooney looks like a fresh,young boiled ham.

  31. Raul says:

    How about Darron Gibson, 24 years old but looks more like 38

  32. Mahmoud Abouward says:

    Iniesta!

  33. Professor Erno Breastpinchd says:

    Antonio Cassano’s face is at least twice as old as his birth certificate. Looks like he took a Napalm hit in ‘Nam.

  34. Jonjo Shelvey and Federico Macheda both look far more mature than the 19-20 (I can’t quite recall) years they have on them.

  35. PS Wayne Rooney and Alex McLeish – related?

  36. Chase says:

    Steve McNulty of Fleetwood Town!!!

  37. df says:

    holy crap!
    shane duffy and hendry thomas are the oldest looking people on earth foshizzle

  38. matt edmond says:

    what about jonjo shelvey?

  39. ulric ramsey says:

    @Satyam what do you mean Drogba? Drogba’s 33… he looks 33

  40. turd says:

    Charlie Adam looks absolutely repulsive.

  41. Andy says:

    I actually had no idea Robben was 27 (could have sworn he was at least 32!). on the opposite side of the spectrum i’m consistently having to inform colleagues that shaun wright-phillips is in fact 30.

  42. Alex says:

    Robbie Keane! Looked 35 when he was 20; 45 when he was 30 etc!

  43. Jaytholomew says:

    This page definitely reminded me of this: http://youtu.be/0FDJ8ZTUQHs.

    Danny Meeks(Ice Skater). Briliant.

  44. Ramil says:

    Daniel Phillskirk from Chelsea Reserves.

  45. Jburnett says:

    jeremy toulalan!! only 28.

  46. Biiip says:

    Is it fathomable to leave out Lee Bowyer, looks like a great great grand dad to me!

  47. Agustin says:

    Hernan Crespo looks 50.

  48. DIamanti says:

    Dean Ashton has to be in here!! He looked about 43 when he was playing

  49. twiggy says:

    Lombardo at sampadoria looked 60.

  50. Larry says:

    Kasey Keller looked 40 when he was at Millwall and that was almost 20 years ago. Brad Friedel has looked old since forever as well. Guess our American keepers age fast!

  51. MJ says:

    prove me wrong, but cork became a sheffield player in 1992, so he must at least be 33 in this picture?!

  52. Thomas says:

    I know its a bit late but following the euro’s andre pirlo, also “no spring chicken” but looks in his 50s, 40s at earliest, why do they age so early? Think of kenny dalgish, other than a bit of grey in his hair he doesnt look any older than when he stopped playing. Its like they hit peak aging at an earlier age then just dont change for 30 or 40 years

  53. [...] was Pablo Zabaleta’s 28th birthday yesterday (we know, we know…) and to celebrate his missus bought him a cake – not just any cake mind you, oh no [...]

  54. Jay says:

    You guys are confusing balding with looking aged.

  55. JC says:

    Alan Cork was at Sheffield United between the ages of 33 and 35 just before he retired, not 19 like your ridiculous comment says. He grew the beard for United’s 92-93 FA Cup run and refused to shave until it ended.

  56. Anonymous says:

    iniesta

  57. DK says:

    Hendry Thomas wins hands down: My a Dad didn’t look that old when he red at 82 five years ago (the missus said!!)
    Thanks guys… Haven’t laughed so hard since 2003!

  58. Maik says:

    Andrea Pirlo looks to be in his mid 40′s at the very least.

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