By Chris Wright
After being genuinely taken aback by some stunning ‘Pablo Zabaleta’s year of birth’-related trivia in the pub last night (more on that later), Pies have cobbled together a list of ten currently active footballers who just look far, far too old for dates on their birth certificates…
Jay Spearing, Liverpool (supposed ‘real’ age: 23)
Looks like a ‘lifer’ as they call them in the trade.
Arjen Robben, Bayern Munich (supposed ‘real’ age: 27)
With his hairline rapidly receding from the age of 20, Robben now does a fine impression of a 47-year old chartered surveyor and self-anointed dinner party wine expert: “The ’57 Chateau du Malt Vinaigre has subtle undertones of tarmac and Opal Fruits,” etc, etc.
Hendry Thomas, Wigan (supposed ‘real’ age: 26)
He’s seen things you people couldn’t imagine.
Kevin McNaughton, Cardiff City (supposed ‘real’ age: 29)
Sian Massey’s former touchline shovin’ buddy surrendered his barnet pigment years ago and, what with his relatively recent beard addition, the 29-year old McNaughton of today could quite easily pass for 45+ should he want/need to at any point.
Wayne Rooney, Man Utd (supposed ‘real’ age: 26)
Like a steaming joint of boiled ham with eyebrows.
Shane Duffy, Everton (supposed ‘real’ age: 20)
Looks like he’s being played by Daniel Day Lewis.
Jimmy Bullard, Ipswich (supposed ‘real’ age: 33)
Fair enough, Jimmy’s no spring chicken any more. That said, the fact remains that he’s looked like a melting waxwork of himself for at least a decade and the now-greying hair doesn’t exactly help matters. He looks like the ghost of an Elizabethan peasant woman.
Pablo Zabaleta, Man City (supposed ‘real’ age: 27)
As alluded to earlier, I’m now a full English tenner worse off because Man City’s very own ‘Boxer the Cart-Horse’ isn’t “at least 33”.
Steven Fletcher, Wolves (supposed ‘real’ age: 24)
Charlie Adam, Liverpool (supposed ‘real’ age: 26)
The poor guy looks like he’s been bare-knuckle boxing in Glasgow warehouses every night of the week for 20 years, and brushing his teeth with supermarket Scotch every following morning.
Honorary mentions: Obafemi ‘Please Produce Your Birth Certificate’ Martins, Gabriel ‘Vintage Parsnip’ Obertan, Shaun ‘Joe Bugner’s Former Sparring Partner’ Derry, Yao ‘Ancient Medicine Man’ Gervinho, both Paul Robinsons, John ’32 Forever’ Terry, Jose ‘Hair? Yes, I Remember Hair’ Reina…
Also, we couldn’t let an article about old-looking footballers pass by without including a nod to this man…
Alan Cork, formerly of Sheffield United – seen here aged 19…ish.
Any old-looking buggers we’ve missed? Feel free to give us a nudge ‘downstairs’…