10 Football Managers It’s Impossible To Love

Chris Wright

2nd, February 2012


By Chris Wright

Given the furore at Leeds yesterday, we thought it would be fairly timely to put together Pies’ pick of the ten English-based football managers that, for one reason or another, are almost impossible to foster a begrudging respect for – let alone take to your heart…

This is, quite honestly, the most exciting photo of Bryan Robson I could find

10. Bryan Robson: Yes, Captain Monotone was a great player in his day. He got Boro promoted way back when and his Houdini act with West Brom on the final day of the 2004/05 season is a thing to be cherished but, still, a ‘Robson linked with _____ job’ headline is guaranteed to strike an all-encompassing sense of ‘meh’ into the heart of any discerning football fan. The names ‘Curbishley’, ‘O’Leary’ and ‘Ince’ also have noticeably similar effects.

The kind of face only a mother with severe glaucoma and two eye-patches could love

9. Steve Evans, Crawley Town: The scourge of the lower and non-leagues, chiefly due to his successful prosecution for ‘creative accounting’ while manager at Boston United, the fact that he’s employed at the helm of the richest club in the lower echelons of the English football pyramid, his endless barracking of officials and his incorrigible knack of being completely unable to accept defeat with any semblance of grace.

Kean, seen here being interviewed by a giant…again

8. Steve Kean, Blackburn: Bless him. All snivelly and small.

“Give us a smile Roy! Blimey, on second thoughts…”

7. Roy Keane: A walking, talking skulking morale vacuum that got incredibly lucky at Sunderland all those years ago and has been trading off that instant success (as far as his managerial career is concerned) ever since. His teams seem to implode as a result of having the lifeblood glared out of them all day every day. Can you just imagine how utterly joyless it must be to play under him?

“How’s your wife Roberto? Tell her that Phil says ‘Hi’ won’t you?”

6. Phil Brown: The kind of guy that should be head of a ISP call-centre somewhere. Well versed in obtuse, meaningless business jargon with creosote-coloured fake tan on the collar of all his pale pink short-sleeved shirts, several of his employees’ wives’ DNA smeared across the steering wheel of his second-hand silver BMW M3 and, crucially, oblivious to his own meagre worth.

Eck catches wind of one of Emile’s nervous farts

5. Alex McLeish, Aston Villa: There’s only so much enjoyment you can get out of a plate of slightly ‘off’ breaded ham, i.e, none. The appointment of Big Eck signals but one thing in a fan’s mind; the club’s football is about to become about as sexy as an Ann Widdecombe/Sir Patrick Moore/Sarah Jessica Parker ménage à trois.

Seconds later, the cake was gone – candles ‘n’ all

4. Sam Allardyce, West Ham: See No.6, but factor in an a spittle-flecked double chin and an omnipresent cloud of nauseating body odour.

Harry spends the day at his second home

3. Harry Redknapp, Tottenham: Sweet Jesus, where to start? Put it this way; if he gets the England job, I’m officially handing in my passport and going to live among the finches on the Galapagos Islands.

“Only number f**king two? You must be f**king JOKING referee!”

2. Neil Warnock: Has dedicated his entire career to rupturing the eardrums of fourth-officials, assistants, referees, opposition players and anyone within a five-metre radius with his immensely hypocritical and one-eyed yodelling. Recently his prickly post-match demeanour has taken on a strange ‘passive aggressive’ bent (calling the referees by their full name is particularly unsettling) which somehow makes him seem even more venomous than usual. The worst bit? He doesn’t care one jot what you think about him. Which makes him all the more infuriating.

Note to self: Piss off absolutely everybody, refuse to take the blame

1. Gary Megson, Sheffield Wednesday: Being a Forest fan and seeing the club tainted by his appointment a few years back may have biased this appraisal, but Megson is a quiet, squirming, blame-resistant slug of a manager, content to subscribe to baseless conspiracies and paranoid delusions rather than turn the fickle finger upon himself. What’s more, he ain’t half dismal in conversation. His voice sounds like a duck farting in thick fog. My brain aches.

Any suckers we’ve missed? You know the drill…

Posted in Featured, Opinion, Top 10s & lists

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  1. Gas Gas says:

    Paul Buckle, blamed Bristol Rovers bad performances on anything but his lack of tactical knowledge (which included the pitch not being wet enough if I recall correctly!?) & also had an awful relationship with the fans, one particular highlight being – “All Bristolians are c*nts” said in the dressing room after being booed off in a particularly bad performance against Port Vale (3-0 home defeat) earlier this season, this was not taken to kindly by Rovers physio Phil Kite, who had him by the scruff of the neck by all accounts…

    Not a very popular figure in the Blue half of Bristol

  2. mcfc says:

    Alan Pardew. Full of bullshit, to the brim.

  3. Lunga says:

    No Kenny Dalglish?

  4. Cager says:

    Rafa the Blogger? Well, Owen Hargreaves landed a contract based on his self-promoting training videos, and poor Rafa still can’t manage (pun intended) the same with his tactical blogs. Poor thing

  5. italianbadboy says:

    Roberto Mancini: very overestimated and so snooty.

  6. RyanSSL says:

    No Mick Mccarthy or David O’Leary? I can’t stand either of those two.

  7. Conor says:

    It’s a bit unfair to say Roy Keane was ‘incredibly lucky’ at Sunderland. His first season was very impressive and his second wasn’t half bad either. It’s just his ego got in the way in the third season. I love him, but I can clearly see why he irks so many others.

  8. gamblino says:

    Paul Jewel! Chavtastic to the very core with the collar up under sweatshirt look. Makes him look like a Kestrel swilling Dole thief. Besides appearance though I just reckon he’s a despicable man!

  9. nicko says:

    Yeah Paul Jewel for me too… much more odious than any of the above. The man is scum.

  10. Caleb says:

    Great article! You should do a list of the most loveable/fashion-sensible/ugliest…etc.

  11. Sjakie Meulemans says:

    ‘His voice sounds like a duck farting in thick fog.’
    That, sir, is an instant classic.

    Great article by the way.

  12. Congo says:

    Martin Jol. After Allardyce ate the whole cake, Jol ate Allardyce.

  13. Luke Atkin says:

    Big Eck, plate of Breaded Ham, brings back great memories…

  14. Urraca says:

    Martin De Jol???

  15. Kendra says:

    I wasn’t hot on Megson when he first came to the Owls, but he’s done well enough that I sort of forget how much people hate him.

    Steve Evans has very pretty eyes.

  16. Joe says:

    how can you not like Martin Jol?? He’s friendly, he’s charismatic and he looks like Tony Soprano. As a Fulham fan, I’d go with Mark Hughes. The way he spent most of his season at the Cottage standing on the touchline rubbing his face in disbelief and shame at the fact that we’re not exactly Man U made me want to throw stuff at him. You could do (and have done) a whole lot worse than a regular top ten club based in West London, Sparky.

    How about likeable managers? I’d say:
    1. Martin O’Neill
    2. Roy Hodgson
    3. Martin Jol
    4. Gordon Strachan
    5. Kenny Dalglish (before Suarezgate anyway)
    6. Gareth Southgate
    7. Sir Alex, just for his glorious lack of self awareness
    8. Chris Hughton

  17. Nick says:

    Can I just list Forest managers please? It’s cathartic. Platt, Kinnear, Bassett, Big Ron and Megsonnnnnnnnn. Christ. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.

  18. Nick says:

    Oh God. McClaren. I’d blocked it out. I need a dark room.

  19. USA says:

    Harry Redknapp is loved by all, honest

  20. Del says:

    Prolly the most likable manager in the Prem League: Roberto Martinez. He’s so sincere in everything he says, doesn’t open his mouth otherwise. ^^

    As for impossible to love, I’m sorry to point people out but Steve Kean is annoying from the second he opens his mouth and Roy Hodgson, while being a good soul, is a like a grandad with zero charisma.

  21. unitedFixation says:

    @Chris … what you said about rafa was sarcastic, right ?? Genuinely nice chap !!!! WTF !!!

  22. Red19 says:

    O’leary & Chris Coleman, with their we lost our concentration for a second and they scored excuse,they never lost a game

  23. Arsenesbrasso says:

    Gary ‘you’re playing with the big boys now’ Hill. Woking Manager & ugly thug.

  24. gamblino says:

    Garry Hill looks proper BNP!

  25. Col says:

    Harry for England!

  26. Arsenesbrasso says:

    @ gamblino

    funny you say that…..


  27. Hirsty says:

    Megson might be a bit of a twat but at least he’s leading us up to the Championship!

  28. Andrew says:

    Harry Redknapp. He wheels and deals players and his own money

  29. Bobo says:

    Cannot believe Sven isnt in this. Linked with every job and extremely harsh on the eyes.. Also ‘king’ kenny who has showed hes the most daft, heartless man in football in the last few months

  30. leo says:

    tons of people love Redknapp. I bet I can find more people who hate Sir Alex Ferguson than people who hate Arry. I’ll start with myself, SAF’s arrogance is disgusting and no, sorry dude, Manyoo are not the biggest and greatest club in history nor the world.

  31. leo says:

    so Sam Allardyce is only on this because he’s ugly??? uhh okay…

  32. Anonymous says:

    Surely Lawrence Sanchez has to be in this list couldn’t pass his 11+ let alone his coaching badge

  33. Kipper says:

    Lawrie ” boot it ” Sanchez what a disaster throttled the life out of fulham

  34. Matthew says:

    Err, Ian Dowie anyone? I know I’m late to the party but this guy takes no accountability, little talent in spotting talent but happy to think he’s the cats arse.
    Pardew as well, any guesses which part of league one, sorry the championship I inhabit?

  35. Anonymous says:

    harry redknapp is the man how can he be 3??? im a chelsea supporter so not bias

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