By Chris Wright
FIFA dumpling Sepp Blatter has hinted this morning that he and his minions are looking at alternative methods to decide games after the inhumane cruelty of penalty shootouts caused him to wake up screaming in a cold sweat, leaving him needing a few hours in his onyx meditation chamber to stop the palpitations.
Sepp told a media conference this morning:
“Football can be a tragedy when you go to penalty kicks. Football should not go to one to one, when it goes to penalty kicks football loses its essence.
“Perhaps the ‘Football Task Force 2014’ group (who recommend rule changes to FIFA) can show us a solution, perhaps not today but in the future.”
The head of this task force? Franz Beckenbauer, honorary president of Bayern Munich, who lost the Champions League on penalties last weekend. It’s just a coincidence we’re sure.
Anyway, it got our juices flowing and after we’d mopped them up, we began brainstorming. Beating Beckenbauer’s justice league to the punch, here are Pies’ six proposed alternative to the penalty shootout…
1. FIFA Ex-Co Fight to the Death: Each side gets to select one of FIFA’s executive commitee from a brochure as their representative in a fight to the death on the pitch. The floodlights are dimmed as both members are