Pies’ Six Proposed Alternatives To The Penalty Shootout

By Chris Wright

FIFA dumpling Sepp Blatter has hinted this morning that he and his minions are looking at alternative methods to decide games after the inhumane cruelty of penalty shootouts caused him to wake up screaming in a cold sweat, leaving him needing a few hours in his onyx meditation chamber to stop the palpitations.

Sepp told a media conference this morning:

“Football can be a tragedy when you go to penalty kicks. Football should not go to one to one, when it goes to penalty kicks football loses its essence.

“Perhaps the ‘Football Task Force 2014’ group (who recommend rule changes to FIFA) can show us a solution, perhaps not today but in the future.”

The head of this task force? Franz Beckenbauer, honorary president of Bayern Munich, who lost the Champions League on penalties last weekend. It’s just a coincidence we’re sure.

Anyway, it got our juices flowing and after we’d mopped them up, we began brainstorming. Beating Beckenbauer’s justice league to the punch, here are Pies’ six proposed alternative to the penalty shootout…

1. FIFA Ex-Co Fight to the Death: Each side gets to select one of FIFA’s executive commitee from a brochure as their representative in a fight to the death on the pitch. The floodlights are dimmed as both members are driven blindfolded onto the pitch, with the two cars taking their place in an unescapable ring of vehicles formed around the centre-spot. The doors are then unlocked remotely and the two fight to the death while crude weaponry (lead pipes, nailed planks, hammers) is thrown in from outside. Winner is the last man standing. Our money’s on Tokyo the Sexwhale.

2. Penalties remain, but Sepp has to take them all:


3. Dance Off:

4. Reality show: After 90 minutes, a player from each side is allowed to come forward, to perform an insipid version of Mariah Carey’s ‘Hero’ or some terrible crap from a Lloyd-Webber musical. A giant chair then swivels around in one of the executive boxes and we have Jessie J critiquing the vocal performances despite the obvious irony, before the phone lines are opened to the public. Best ‘all my immediate family are dead’ sob story wins – just like in real life! (Maybe a cooking element could also be included to snare that all-important 25-45 female demographic?)

5. Have a little pow-wow with Budweiser: Extra-time Multiball. Must. Happen…

6. Unmarked manilla envelopes: As is the case with standard FIFA protocol, both sides place a cheque for a specified amount inside a brown envelope in a blind auction at full-time, with the highest bidder taking the spoils – the ‘Qatar Method’ as it’s known in the trade. An added incentive being that FIFA would also be able to buddy up with Coca Cola (other multi-national soft drinks conglomerates are available) as their ‘official envelope opening partner’ and stage a stupidly decadent 30-minute ‘envelope opening ceremony’ with 1,000 dancing moose all wearing blue cellophane visors and silver romper suits. Win/win.

Right, what’s FIFA’s number again?

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  1. Chris Mc says:

    First you say 5, then 6. Oh the confusion!!!

  2. Ben says:

    Dance Off?

  3. Jock says:

    Brilliant. Extra time mull-tie bawll sounds grand. Or Decided on a drinking game? My personal favourite: SPL captains of the season 1996-1997.

  4. Joe says:

    Hahaha love no. 1! One addition: the teams should also be allowed to pick their fighter’s weapon. I’d go with Jack Warner and give the corrupt bastard one of those inflatable hammers, please.

  5. C says:

    1 will never happen. I doubt the execs will stop watching their mailboxes for the next paycheck.
    2-5 sounds plausible though.

  6. Scott says:

    Sounds suspiciously like Barcelona’s idea of possession being the tie-breaker is coming in!

  7. Al says:

    the solution is simple, game ends in a draw – John Terry decideds who wins

  8. :) says:

    no fair!! Ghana would win every dance-off!!

  9. Dan says:

    on a serious note, in hockey (the normal one, not the iced variety), they used to do penalties the same as footy, but now an attacker starts from the 22 yard line and has 8 seconds to beat the keeper. it’s far more exciting than in footy and it gives the keeper a better chance

  10. Tom says:

    Paintball tournament

  11. LJHarvz says:

    @Dan I remember seeing something similar in a NASL soccer-bowl shootout possibly in the 80s but they only had 5 seconds to score the penalty.

  12. Joe says:

    The dribble shoot penalty with a time limit gets my vote. Used to play that when I was younger after seeing it done in America

  13. Irshaad says:

    Oh Chris Number One is Truely a Work of Art and The Football Gods above will be Pleased with the Sacrifice of Blood spilled on the Pitch and They will Truely Bless Us with more Brilliant Footballers like Messi, Ronaldo, Zidane and I can List Plenty More Amazing Players… But enough with Gladiator Dreams… I say Penalities should Stay but Players should be Blind Folded just to make things More Interesting but as it is right now We still See the Likes of Sergio Ramos Skying a Penalty High into the Stands… And as for a Dance Off I am still Haunted by the way Zenden had Danced with Gyan in the Premier League

  14. Irshaad says:

    They could settle the Game by having a Rock Paper Scissors Eliminator… All Eleven Players form Each Team Drawn Up to do Battle and The Team with The Most Wins will Ofcourse Win The Match… Imagine Winning The World Cup in this way and the Decider was Paper Covers Rock… The Heartbreak!!!

  15. CFO says:

    How about a combination. A FIFA executive dance off to the death. Blatter and Platini forced to MC Hammer it up indefinitely with the loser being the first one to keel over and die of exhaustion. Could pelt them with balls whilst they are at it.

    Alternatively both teams be forced to engage in a game of redarse, again to the death.

  16. Glenn McConnell says:

    In all seriousness, my vote for a penalty shoot-out alternative:

    Go back to Golden Goal, but starting from the 90th minute each side loses a player of their own choice every 10 minutes. The increased space will mean there’s a lot more chance of seeing a goal earlier as by the time the clock ticks over to 120 minutes it’ll be 7 v 7. Any players who are tired won’t be forced into 2 hours of football when their legs are on the verge of falling off and will create an interesting tactical battle the more time goes on by managers playing withdrawals off against each other. It’ll also severely hamper a team who had a man sent off.

  17. gilbert says:

    so the plural of moose is moose? i did not know that.

  18. Toz says:


    Yerp, just like Canada goose. You don’t pluralize it.

  19. Bobs says:

    In Extra-Time there are no goalkeepers. No one is allowed to handle the ball in the box.

  20. Abel says:

    It’s a tragedy when ur team loses!!! I am a Chelsea fan, so fuck off Blatter & Franz u dirty dopers! We have already lost a CL final in PKs so we know what TRAGEDY feels like, suck it up u bald-headed bastards, bet ur money was on Bayern thats why ur so upset… CHELSEA NO ONE CAN STOP US NOW!!!

  21. Harry says:

    Can’t help but think would blatter had suggested an alternative if bayern munich won that penalty shoot out. Just a thought

  22. D Paul says:

    As an Irish-American, the name of Sepp Blatter is one that is on the welcome mat to HELL. When the French cheated the Irish with the infamous hand ball of Thierry Henry, his only response was to “stick his head in the sand”. In the EURO 2012 competition (starting June 8), the voice of justice will reign if the French win their group and the Irish come in second in theirs. They will then meet and the winner will get to staple the head of Sepp Blatter to the Tower of London.

  23. Eric says:

    This is the same person who keeps saying referee mistakes are part of the game and refuse to even look into video technologies?!

  24. Andy Carroll's Ponytail says:

    @Glenn: Yes, that sounds fun and fair.

    Maybe it needn’t be a golden goal situation because i just think that encourages negative “one mistake and we may lose the title” kind of mentality.

    Just 30 mins of extra time with 1 player taken off every 10mins (leaving 8 players on each side so they can still afford 1 red card if it’s a “take one for the team” necessary) then a dribbling shoot-out with 10 seconds to score. Nice.

  25. Terry Shedingham says:

    Crossbar Challenge

  26. Terry Shedingham says:


    I’m pretty sure the plural of ‘Canada goose’ is ‘Canada geese’

  27. Jamie says:

    I can imagine what Beckenbauer will come up with. If it’s a draw after extra time, the Germans win, regardless of the participants.

  28. Venny says:

    I completely agree with number 3, this game could use more choreographed dance routines.

  29. KKK says:

    The supporters take the penalties in the shootout.


  30. Guff says:

    @Dan No it is not more exciting. Keep it as it is. There are no faults with a penalty shootout except the linesmen not doing their job properly a lot of the time.

  31. PumaYaYa says:



  32. human.gps17 says:

    team with the better WAGS wins… end of story

  33. mohammad jordan says:

    I read a great study/proposition once that showed PKs are favorable to the team that takes them first so instead of going AB,AB,AB…etc it could go AB,BA,AB,BA..etc similarly to a tennis match.

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