I think footballers are like footballs (stick with me on this): They used to be hard ‘n’ solid and made of thick leather. You wouldn’t mess with one. Today, however, they’re made of fancy plastic and fly about all over the place.
Yes, 21st-century footballers are a motley crew of lightweight divas and overhyped divers. And it appears that the more you pay them, the more like Mariah Carey they become. Click below for our 10 Biggest Divas in the Premiership (as opposed to Divers, you understand)…
10 Biggest Divas in the Premiership continued…
10 Joe Cole
There’s something about the ‘look-at-me’ way he dives and the studied Chelsea sweatband – it all makes me think that Joe Cole is stupendously vain. I could be wrong. Just a hunch. He’s become the English Arjen Robben, if you like.
9 Steed Malbranque
Ah, Steeeeeeeeeeeeeed! He was Fulham’s only decent player for so long that he started to believe his own hype and now he’s forced to train with Fulham’s youth team, ’cause he can’t secure a move to a ‘bigger’ club. Boo-hoo.
8 Robbie Savage
This former Man U midfielder with the glossy blonde hair is still bitter that he didn’t get David Beckham’s career. Savage’s preening appearance on Footballers’ Cribs on MTV only confirmed this in my mind.
7 Cristiano Ronaldo
The Michaelangelo’s David of modern football divas. He shoots, he scores, he step-overs, he dives, he cries, he pouts, he winks, he grins, he takes his shirt off a lot. What a guy!
6 Joey Barton
Forget that he once stubbed out a cigar in the eye of a junior Man City player. Last season, Barton’s agent convinced him that he was the saviour of English football – worse than that, Barton believed him.
5 Harry Kewell
Another player who couldn’t wait to sign up for Footballers’ Cribs. Hell, his missus (Sheree Murphy) presents it now! You get the feeling that Kewell loves the lifestyle just as much as the game which affords him that lifestyle.
4 Didier Drogba
For me, it’s all about the horrible little bootlace hairband Drogba wears – and the fact he adjusts it, oh, about 100 times during a game.
3 Sol Campbell
Sulzeer Jeremiah Campbell flounced out of Highbury after being (quite rightly) substituted by Arsene Wenger at half-time against West Ham last season. There’s not enough ‘me-time’ in the day for poor Sol.
2 William Gallas
You don’t f**k with Jose Mourinho. Unless your name is William Gallas, in which case you appear on primetime French TV and state that you’re unhappy at Chelsea and want to leave. Oooh, get her!
1 Ashley Cole
So we start with a Cole and finish with a Cole. Most Arsenal fans now refer to their first-choice left-back as A. C**t (you fill in the gaps), which says it all really. Another high-profile player who has taken a look inside his pram and decided that there are just too many toys in there.