Top 20 most slappable Premiership players

Ollie Irish

14th, March 2007


Some players have faces that are crying out to be hit with a fierce jab-cross-uppercut combination, rather than the usual girly slaps dished out on the pitch. Here is our list of Premiership players who we’d like to slap down.

1 El-Hadji Diouf
Bolton’s spitting striker is truly the king of slappable (is that even a word?) Premiership players. And here he is picking up some sort of medal to celebrate the fact.


2 Lee Bowyer
Wouldn’t you love to rearrange that face? Oh, looks like God beat us to it.


3 Craig Bellamy

‘Craig, can I have a quick word…’ SLAP!


4 Arjen Robben

His face seems permanently twisted into an expression that can only be described as ‘Slap me hard’.


5 Ashley Cole

Show him the money, now. Lots of it. And he used to be such a nice boy. Shame.


6 Lucas Neill

West Ham’s saviour (no sniggering at the back).


7 Gary Neville

We had to make room for Chairman Nev. Maybe he just needs a hug?


8 Tim Cahill

If you like boxing so much, have a punch on us.


9/10 Rio Ferdinand/Anton Ferdinand

An appealing ‘two-prats-for-one’ mega deal.


11 Cristiano Ronaldo

As much as Pies admires young master Ronaldo, there are still times when he demands a gentle slap across his tanned cheeks.


12 Michael Brown

Feisty little man with a weaselly head.


13 Emmanuel Eboue

Where to begin? Such a dislikable player.


14 Robbie Keane

Your cheeky Irish charm and crap goal celebration isn’t fooling anyone.


15 Ricardo Carvalho

His head’s too small for his body. Hey, who said this was rational?


16 James Beattie

All talent and no application. Seems to care more about his hair than his career.


17 Frank Lampard

And you thought we’d forgotten him. Shame on you.


18 Jermaine Pennant

Perhaps a slap will wipe that cocky/gormless look off his face.


19 Jens Lehmann

In the interests of tabloid-style xenophobia, we are obliged to have one German on this list. Mad Jens fits the bill, perfectly.


20 Robbie Savage

One for our older readers. Savage would have been gutted not to make this list. You’re still a contender Robbie!

Pies is 100% certain that you’ll all have your own ideas about who we’ve missed off this list. So let’s hear ’em…

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  1. Jay says:

    Why is Cahill in there, for god sakes?

  2. Dan says:

    It’s a shame Rob Earnshaw isn’t playing in the Premiership, he’d have been up the top of my list along with Bellamy.
    But the Top 5 of the pies list is pretty much spot on.
    However, Drogba should surely have been on there for his diving antics

  3. OmegaSupremeho says:

    LMAO. Why is big Jens down there at 19 ? Imagine him berating you about elbowing him when all you’d done is made a fair challenge to the ball. As he comes within range Whallop! you slap him Tango style. Imagine the look on this face ;)

  4. Tich says:

    Savage last place? No way! he should be in the top 3! As should Lehman!

  5. Ollie, Pies Ed. says:

    Savage has mellowed in last few years – he’s not as annoying as he used to be (in my opinion, anyway)

  6. Robbo says:

    Where’s Joey Barton in your list?

  7. OleMann says:

    Lehmann & Savage for top five! And where is Riise?

  8. Lew says:

    Not sure about Cahill. Doesn’t wind me up at all. As a gooner I’m glad to see Eboue in the list. After a season of showing hard work and promise he managed to utterly ruin it this year with his diving, cheating and general shitbagness (now there’s a word!). Do a Drogba and sort your act out or just go away. And take a slap with you…..

  9. truth says:

    Just stopping by to say Happy Pi Day (3.14) to Who Ate All the Pies?

  10. truth says:

    And Limp without John Terry? They are a package irritation deal.

  11. joe says:

    even though hes not a player id include rafa benitez for his annoying face. not sure about lamps, but i can see why, sometimes he does look a little smug..
    also, no Van Persie and Febregas?! double backhand bitch slaps all round there me thinks!

  12. Timothy B. says:

    I can think of a few managers who deserve a spot on this list. Inter has to be the most slap-worthy team in the world, though, with Materazzi and Recoba’s cheeks just begging for a little punishment.

  13. patrick says:

    I was expecting to see Nigel Medi-ocre languishing near the bottom of the table

  14. Dom says:

    Benitez does have an annoying face but Warnock would love a slap.

  15. Da says:

    cant see why robbie keanes on the list..perhaps its only cos it was felt an irishman must be on the list…
    i wouldve liked to see henry on the list….after his celbration against wigan he seemed liek such a bitch!!
    as a liverpool fan im glad to see bellamy there and pennant….
    good post! =D

  16. Jay says:

    Hmmm… Sol Campbell perhaps? And Freddie ‘Even more Effeminate than Beckham’ Ljungberg & Leroy’ Gangster’ Lita would also warrant an honourable mention.

  17. How about Ben “Flying Elbow” Thatcher?
    Looking outside the EPL, Materazzi would be number one on my list.

  18. Sheps says:

    paddy “pikie” kenny definitely needs a bloody good thump

  19. pokerelg says:

    the worst list ever!

  20. Steve says:

    Good list. Would’ve replaced Carvalho/Beattie with Richardson/Drogba

  21. Ollie, Pies Ed. says:

    Thanks pokereig! we love constructive criticism!

  22. Ashley says:

    I actually can’t believe Henry’s not on this list, that’s like having a list of over-rated deflection merchants and not including Fat Frank. Henry is the definition of a player who needs a good slap round the face, and the presence of players such as Ronaldo on this list suggests that an individual’s ability should not preclude them from a good slapping.

  23. Tommy says:

    hmm, i think we could add berbetov, he is incredibly skillful and i like him a lot but he does tend to whine and blame everything on his team mates but i guess his recent class makes up for it. and this list cant be serious without fabregas.

  24. Ollie, Pies Ed. says:

    Henry was certainly in the mix, as was Fabregas. Personally, Henry doesn’t bug me that much.

  25. Dom says:

    There’s not allowed to be another Dom, this is just plain confusing.
    Barton doesn’t need a slap, just get him an ASBO or something.

  26. Ollie, Pies Ed. says:

    Dom, you are the original and still the best!

  27. bryn says:

    where are drogba barton and anelka? adebayor should be in for that stupid dance. lee hendrie is a little shit, and so is glen johnson.
    good to see El-Spit Diouf is top of the list.

  28. joe says:

    Henry SURELY has to be on the list, as does Drogba. Not sure why Neill and Cahill are on here. Fabregas should be in as well. And Vidic for fuck sake, the man’s face practically screams “I’m a giant center back but I’ll go down easier than Alberto Gilardino in the Celtic penalty area.”
    BTW why does Frank Lampard make every single derogatory list on this site? He’s the most bland, vanilla player who happens to have netted some 20 goals so far this year yet he’s on every list for being overated and a prick. Explain?!?!

  29. Geoff says:

    I think the entire West Ham defence deserve to be slapped into shape, as well as Marline (Harewood). I see that you’ve already got Anton ‘I’m not actually that good’ Ferdinand, and Lucas ’70 grand, you’re having a laugh’ Neill, so fair play there. Good to see Bowyer in there too. Why is Rooney not in there?

  30. Canuck says:

    Thierry Henry, belongs for sure,
    a smug little prick if ever there was one.

  31. Al says:

    Drogba, Scholes (just wanna slap him and see if candy comes out don’t ya? at least ginger bread) Tevez, such and ugly bastard, CROUCH of course, and cheeky little Joey Barton could be slapped….you know where…flashing scouser.

  32. Mike says:

    What about a nice slap to knock the thumb out of Garcia’s mouth when he does that rather Saffredi- like goal celebration.

  33. Footie Fool says:

    I’d nominate Robbie’s partner in crime at Blackburn Tugay.

  34. Jezza says:

    So we can nominate players who are likely to slap back (Barton, Eboue, Mad Jens et al)? Defeats the point of such a list, really.
    Anyway, once again you’ve contrived to overlook Mido – just because he doesn’t get any games, it doesn’t mean he’s not eminently twattable:
    Oh, and is this a good time to crowbar in the definitive Robbie Savage moment?

  35. Jay says:

    Pretty much all of the Newcastle squad as well, and especially Emre, little racist twat.

  36. Anonymous says:

    how could you not have darren fletcher in there, he can’t play football and has a head like skelator and he has the nerve to earn in a week what would take me two years

  37. jane says:

    Cristiano Ronaldo isn’t slappable he’s shagable. whay a stunner.. truly the best player in the world of football.. and the sexiest… people are just jealous…. Ronaldooo wowow !!!!

  38. gaz says:

    any1 french or plays for arsenal or both especially pires

  39. Anonymous says:

    wheres van persie>?