Some players have faces that are crying out to be hit with a fierce jab-cross-uppercut combination, rather than the usual girly slaps dished out on the pitch. Here is our list of Premiership players who we’d like to slap down.
1 El-Hadji Diouf
Bolton’s spitting striker is truly the king of slappable (is that even a word?) Premiership players. And here he is picking up some sort of medal to celebrate the fact.
2 Lee Bowyer
Wouldn’t you love to rearrange that face? Oh, looks like God beat us to it.
3 Craig Bellamy
‘Craig, can I have a quick wordâ€¦’ SLAP!
4 Arjen Robben
His face seems permanently twisted into an expression that can only be described as ‘Slap me hard’.
5 Ashley Cole
Show him the money, now. Lots of it. And he used to be such a nice boy. Shame.
6 Lucas Neill
West Ham’s saviour (no sniggering at the back).
7 Gary Neville
We had to make room for Chairman Nev. Maybe he just needs a hug?
8 Tim Cahill
If you like boxing so much, have a punch on us.
9/10 Rio Ferdinand/Anton Ferdinand
An appealing ‘two-prats-for-one’ mega deal.
11 Cristiano Ronaldo
As much as Pies admires young master Ronaldo, there are still times when he demands a gentle slap across his tanned cheeks.
12 Michael Brown
Feisty little man with a weaselly head.
13 Emmanuel Eboue
Where to begin? Such a dislikable player.
14 Robbie Keane
Your cheeky Irish charm and crap goal celebration isn’t fooling anyone.
15 Ricardo Carvalho
His head’s too small for his body. Hey, who said this was rational?
16 James Beattie
All talent and no application. Seems to care more about his hair than his career.
17 Frank Lampard
And you thought we’d forgotten him. Shame on you.
18 Jermaine Pennant
Perhaps a slap will wipe that cocky/gormless look off his face.
19 Jens Lehmann
In the interests of tabloid-style xenophobia, we are obliged to have one German on this list. Mad Jens fits the bill, perfectly.
20 Robbie Savage
One for our older readers. Savage would have been gutted not to make this list. You’re still a contender Robbie!
Pies is 100% certain that you’ll all have your own ideas about who we’ve missed off this list. So let’s hear ’emâ€¦