15 Footballers With Impressively Monstrous Thighs (Photos)

Chris Wright

13th, January 2014

29 Comments

By Chris Wright

Make your own mind up as to which crowd we’re catering to with this one, but here’s Pies’ comprehensive run-down of the ten most monstrously-thighed fellows in the biz-uh-niss…

1. Clarence Seedorf

Oo-er missus, Seedorf has bulging thighs like a Danish Blue bullock

AC Milan vs Lazio Rome

2. Stuart Pearce

As his fearsome free-kicks duly attest, Psycho possessed thighs like wads of boiled ham and he wasn’t prudish about showing them off either…

Soccer - Nottingham Forest Pre-Season - Bordeaux, France

3. Cristiano Ronaldo

Hairless, veinous and with a top-spec satin finish to boot…

ronaldo-thigh

4. Roberto Carlos

We believe ‘bulbous’ is an adequate descriptive word for Bobby C’s nebulous quads…

roberto-carlos

5. Hulk

They’re pretty much just painting on Hulk’s shorts these days…

Soccer - UEFA Champions League - Group G - Austria Vienna v Zenit St Petersburg - Ernst Happel Stadium

6. Scott Parker

Proportionally speaking, Parker has the faint look of the ‘Oompa Loompa’ about him…

Soccer - Barclays Premier League - Fulham v West Bromwich Albion - Craven Cottage

7. Cyrille Regis

You simply had to have an impressive set of pins to carry off a pair of 1980s football shorts with such panache…

Cyrille Regis Coventry 1988

8. Sergio Aguero

He may be only ‘ickle, but Kun’s downstairs guns are mammoth in relative terms…

Soccer - FA Cup - Semi Final - Chelsea v Manchester City - Wembley Stadium

9. Adebayo Akinfenwa

Built like a proverbial brick-constructed excrement storage annexe…

Soccer - npower Football League Two - Gillingham v Rotherham United - KRBS Priestfield Stadium

10. Javier Zanetti

We suspect The Tractor’s powerful, piston-like thighs are more than a little responsible for his incredible longevity…

Soccer - UEFA Champions League - Group A - Tottenham Hotspur v Inter Milan - White Hart Lane

11. Gianfranco Zola

Perhaps a surprise entrant on the list considering Franco’s not tall enough to reach most lightswitches without standing on his tippy-toes, but the man had “thighs like ham hocks” as Pies fan @JamesCrouch10 so succinctly puts it on Twitter…

Soccer - FA Barclaycard Premiership - Bolton Wanderers v Chelsea

12. Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink

Another ex-Chelsea forward with brag-worthy girth…

FA Cup Chelsea v Peterborough

13. Marc Overmars

Face/hair of an estate agent, legs of a wildebeest…

Soccer - FA Carling Premiership - Everton v Arsenal

14. Gerd Muller

Disparagingly branded a “weightlifter” as a youngster by his first coach at Bayern Munich, Zlatko Cajkovski, due to his odd proportions, Muller put his rotund thighs to good use on his way to breaking just about every goal-scoring record he came up against…

Soccer - European Cup Final - Bayern Munich v Leeds United

15. Sol Campbell

Famously had to have his shorts tailor-made for him by Hilleberg throughout the majority of his career…

Soccer - FA Community Shield - Manchester United v Arsenal

Late additions…

Mark Hughes (suggested by @WhitbyRdSoldier)…

SOCCER

Paolo Maldini (suggested by Joe)…

Soccer - 1994 FIFA World Cup - Final - Brazil v Italy - Rose Bowl, Pasadena

Boom! Feel free to contribute any more names you deem worthy of a spot on our ‘Monstrous Thighs’ list and we’ll tack them on the end…