By Chris Wright
Make your own mind up as to which crowd we’re catering to with this one, but here’s Pies’ comprehensive run-down of the ten most monstrously-thighed fellows in the biz-uh-niss…
1. Clarence Seedorf
Oo-er missus, Seedorf has bulging thighs like a Danish Blue bullock…
2. Stuart Pearce
As his fearsome free-kicks duly attest, Psycho possessed thighs like wads of boiled ham and he wasn’t prudish about showing them off either…
3. Cristiano Ronaldo
Hairless, veinous and with a top-spec satin finish to boot…
4. Roberto Carlos
We believe ‘bulbous’ is an adequate descriptive word for Bobby C’s nebulous quads…
5. Hulk
They’re pretty much just painting on Hulk’s shorts these days…
6. Scott Parker
Proportionally speaking, Parker has the faint look of the ‘Oompa Loompa’ about him…
7. Cyrille Regis
You simply had to have an impressive set of pins to carry off a pair of 1980s football shorts with such panache…
8. Sergio Aguero
He may be only ‘ickle, but Kun’s downstairs guns are mammoth in relative terms…
9. Adebayo Akinfenwa
Built like a proverbial brick-constructed excrement storage annexe…
10. Javier Zanetti
We suspect The Tractor’s powerful, piston-like thighs are more than a little responsible for his incredible longevity…
11. Gianfranco Zola
Perhaps a surprise entrant on the list considering Franco’s not tall enough to reach most lightswitches without standing on his tippy-toes, but the man had “thighs like ham hocks” as Pies fan @JamesCrouch10 so succinctly puts it on Twitter…
12. Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink
Another ex-Chelsea forward with brag-worthy girth…
13. Marc Overmars
Face/hair of an estate agent, legs of a wildebeest…
14. Gerd Muller
Disparagingly branded a “weightlifter” as a youngster by his first coach at Bayern Munich, Zlatko Cajkovski, due to his odd proportions, Muller put his rotund thighs to good use on his way to breaking just about every goal-scoring record he came up against…
15. Sol Campbell
Famously had to have his shorts tailor-made for him by Hilleberg throughout the majority of his career…
Late additions…
Mark Hughes (suggested by @WhitbyRdSoldier)…
Paolo Maldini (suggested by Joe)…
Boom! Feel free to contribute any more names you deem worthy of a spot on our ‘Monstrous Thighs’ list and we’ll tack them on the end…