After enjoying yet another year of roaring success and indisputable accuracy with our bold and brassy predictions for 2014/15, the time has come once again for Pies to hit you with another hot, heavy blast of our clairvoyant prowess.
Without further ado, let’s delve in and get our hands mucky…
1. Chelsea will win the league. It might be a little closer than it was last season if Man City manage to get their collective arses in gear, but Jose Mourinho’s merry band of outlaws will labour their way to back-to-back titles because the upper echelon of the Premier League is, essentially, quite boring.
2. Top four will be, in order: Chelsea, Man City, Arsenal, Manchester United…again.
3. Top scorer will be: Sergio Aguero…again.
4. Raheem Sterling…will slot in very nicely and go from strength to strength at Man City, forming a cute little partnership with David Silva – much to the annoyance of everybody who wanted to see him crash, burn and sink without trace beneath the waves of hubris.
5. Harry Kane will end the season with 10 league goals max. Most of them penalties. It never usually takes longer than a season for opposing defenders to work out how to neuter simple point-and-shoot strikers. Of course, we’re not saying he’s finished entirely – but let’s face it, Harry’s probably had his day in the sun.
6. First managerial casualty: It’s worth having a shiny shilling on Roberto Martinez but we’ve got a funny feeling that Claudio Ranieri is going to walk after a few disastrous months at Leicester.
7. Crystal Palace will do very nicely. On the back of some thoroughly impressive summer strengthening, we reckon Palace are potentially looking at back-to-back record Premier League finishes after finishing in the giddy heights of mid-table last season.
8. Most impressive debut season at a new club: James Milner should find himself at home in the middle of Liverpool’s meat-and-potatoes midfield but we think Villa may have just bagged themselves a gem in the shape of Rudy Gestede. He’s not pretty for the most part, but he’s bloody effective.
9. Biggest transfer flop: Lots of money has been spectacularly wasted over the summer so this is a tough one to call.
Robbie Brady (Norwich City) at a frankly baffling £7million seems like a shoe-in but we’ve got a funny feeling Bastian Schweinsteiger is going to fall apart early on and end his first season at Manchester United as a bit of a punchline. There’s a good reason Bayern were so willing to let him move on.
10. The Unholy Relegation Triumvirate: Hardly the most imaginative prediction, but we’re ear-marking Norwich, Watford and Bournemouth to all return from whence they came after seeing off some stiff competition from Leicester.
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So, there you go my good people. Feel free to rate ‘em and slate ‘em as you see fit.
Also, let’s here your fearless predictions for 2015/16 too…