Now that the PFA have had their turn, Pies thought we’d have a stab at cobbling together an alternative Premier League Team of the Year for 2016/17, comprised of players who have impressed us for a variety of reasons over the course of this topsy-turvy campaign.
Let’s delve in, starting with our goalie of choice…
Mark Schwarzer, Leicester City
Without wishing to jinx it, Schwarzer is now within four games of winning back-to-back Premier League winner’s medals.
Not bad for a man who is older than most Galapagos tortoises.
Emmanuel Eboue, Sunderland
What a truly momentous return to the Premier League for the ex-Arsenal hero. Brought in as defensive cover by Sunderland in April and lasted a full 22 days at the club before being hit with a one-year ban from FIFA and having his contract mulched as a result.
Exactly the kind of buffoonery we’ve come to expect from Manu over the years.
Robert Huth, Leicester City
The man with a head like a concrete bread bin. Not only has Huth been an intrinsic part of Leicester’s formidable defensive unit, he’s also blossomed as an unlikely deadpan social media superstar.
Takes a mean free-kick too, while we’re on the subject.
Damien Delaney, Crystal Palace
In what is hotly-contested field, the Palace defender has taken the 2016/17 award for the worst tattoo in the Premier League with a piece we can only assume he did himself using a pack of three chisel-tipped marker pens and a mirror.
Sadly, Alberto Moreno’s inexplicably daft ‘chimp chewing a handgun‘ effort was submitted too late for inclusion in the ballot. There’s always next year, though.
Joleon Lescott, Aston Villa
What. A. Stinker. The living, breathing paragon of Villa’s half-arsed misery. Every single little thing the defender has both done and said this season has made everybody dislike him exponentially – up to and including vowing to stay on and fight for his future at the club.
It’s quite an impressive feat when you think about it.
Lucas Leiva, Liverpool
Liverpool’s midfield with Lucas > Liverpool’s midfield without Lucas. Fact.
Emre Can has blossomed into a bit of a belter too, but it’s less entertaining to watch him shoot.
Andrew Surman, Bournemouth
No poppy-feathers and horse-cock here. Surman is included because we happen to thing he’s been bloody brilliant this year.
Charles N’Zogbia, Aston Villa?
It looks almost certain that N’Zogbia is going to end the season with an immaculate, 100% pass-completion rate this season – absolutely unheard of in the modern game.
Granted, he’s only played a sum total of 41 minutes for Villa this campaign, but you really can’t argue with those stats.
James Milner, Liverpool
More Premier League assists in 2016 (11) than any other player. Stick that up your Mesut Ozil and smoke it.
Tokelo Rantie, Bournemouth
2016/17 will perhaps forever be known as the momentous year that Rantie established himself as the worst No.9 in Premier League history.
Having made zero starts and three substitute appearances (totalling 38 minutes) before Christmas, scoring precisely no goals from no shots on target, the South African striker was cut from The Cherries’ first-team squad in January. This despite Callum Wilson being ruled out for the entire season.
Lord knows he’s an honest grafter, but still… ouch.
Sergio Aguero, Man City
Despite having scored 100 Premier League goals (and counting) for City since he turned up in 2011, Aguero has never once found his way into a PFA Team of the Year.
For that reason alone, we’re throwing him a bone and including him in ours.
Welcome on board, Kun lad. Help yourself to a complimentary white wine spritzer and a lollipop from the basket.
Right, that’s Pies’ Alternative Team of the Year done and dusted. Agree/disagree? Want to take the opportunity to call us shit? Let it rip…