Presenting Pies’ pick of the most boring, stultifyingly dreary players in the Barclays Premier League.
It’s all totally subjective and unnecessarily cruel for the most part, but what can we say? We’re in a bad mood.
In we delve…
Danny Drinkwater (Chelsea)
Chooses to prolong his self-inflicted purgatory at Stamford Bridge despite now having had plenty of opportunity to join West Ham as the prophecy demands. Very boring behaviour from a very boring individual.
One note, one tempo, one pass. Influence on games vastly overstated by disconnected tactics nerds. Talented and capable of much more but prefers to play safe at jogging pace in his cosy, complacent rut.
Connor Wickham (Crystal Palace)
How on earth could you possibly get excited about Connor Wickham? Only classed as a striker because he said he was once as a kid and nobody ever thought to double check.
Michael Keane (Everton)
Generic English centre-back of the most generic order. Heads things. Blocks things. Short-sleeved in all weather. Steams on cold days. Likes golf. Owns two CDs, both in the driver’s side door pocket of his car: Michael Jackson Hits and ‘All That You Can’t Leave Behind’ by U2.
Calum Chambers (???)
Like George McCartney before him, Chambers is one of those indistinct defenders who is hard to keep track of. Who does he play for? Arsenal? Fulham? West Ham? Is he actually just Carl Jenkinson by another name?
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