Given the amount of cheating going on at the World Cup, FIFA should have scrapped the Fair Play award and instead handed out an Unfair Play award. That’s not going to happen â€“ hell, if Zidane can win player of the tournament, that’s definitely not going to happen â€“ so we’ve done it for you:
Who Ate All the Pies shamefully presents the Germany 2006 Unfair Play Awards, aka the Golden Elbowâ€¦
The World Cup’s Unfair Play Awards: 10 Players shortlisted for the Golden Elbow continuedâ€¦
In reverse orderâ€¦
10 Helder Postiga (Portugal)
Only used as a substitute, but lit up Germany with an impressive range of blatant dives in the penalty box. Great potential and a future Golden Elbow winner, surely.
9 Peter Crouch (England)
If you’re lacking in inches, why not clamber up your opponent’s dreads to gain the upper hand? Smart play, Crouchinho!
8 Fabio Grosso (Italy)
The lanky left-back stumbled bravely into Lucas Neill’s prostrate body. What’s a guy to do? Win the World Cup, that’s what.
7 Josip Simunic (Croatia)
FIFA congratulates Josep on being the first player in World Cup history to be shown three (count ’em) yellow cards. A stunning achievement and one that not even Pele, Cruyff or Maradona can equal. (Oh, and would young Graham see me after class to discuss extra maths lessonsâ€¦)
6 Thierry Henry (France)
When struck in the chest by a pube-headed Spaniard, best to fall down and clutch your face. Chest, face, it’s all the same these days. Thanks must go to Rivaldo for his sterling work in this field.
5 Marco Materazzi (Italy)
A mixed bag. Scored in the World Cup final, but will rightly be remembered for his diplomatic dialogue with that venerable French genius. Well, somebody has to stand up to these people.
4 Luis Figo (Portugal)
Q. When is a headbutt not a headbutt? A. When it’s carried out by The Great Figo, swarthy master of illusion.
3 Daniele De Rossi (Italy)
Used an elbow in self-defence against Brian McBride’s dangerously square head. FIFA applauds you Luca – you can have a winners’ medal too.
2 Cristiano Ronaldo (Portugal)
Winker. Clearly distraught not to win the Golden Elbow.
1 Zinedine Zidane (France)
Congratulations to Zizou (insert ZZ Top headline here)! He wins the Golden Ball and the inaugural Golden Elbow â€“ quite a feat. His mother and hard-working sister â€“ all of his family, in fact – must be very proud.